There are so many things you don’t want to learn from a Real Housewife. The list honestly is endless, however, I never thought I’d have to add “blow job tips” to that already overwhelming list. Apparently I do, and it falls right under “money management” and above “drinking habits.” As always: Thanks Lisa Rinna! So that’s just a preview of last night’s raunchy, ribald, and Do-RITNOWSHUTYOURMOUTH’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills.
And just when I was starting to like Dorit Kemsley… it turns out SHE’S the bad guy!
While most of these women are stuck in California with construction, heat waves, and the crushing woes of work, Lipsa and Erika Girardi are headed to Japan where apparently The Daughters Rinna are big-time celebrities. I’m pretty sure Lipsa hired paparazzi and a roving pack of obsessed fans to follow Delilah and Amelia around, but there was a huge crowd to greet them at the airport and an impromptu red carpet, as Lipsa stood idly by babysitting 300 pieces of luggage and being ignored.
While pondering her sad state of affairs Lipsa turned to her pimpmomager goddess for direction and asked “WWKJD?” KJ being Kris Jenner, who is now Lipsa’s omnipresent guide to the greater good of steering children to stardom at any cost. Considering that Lipsa’s sex book “Rinnovation” is providing so many vital sex tips to her progeny it seems like she’s well on her way… Kris Jenner would probably also start hawking WWKJD bracelets. Really fancy diamond and platinum ones. With inspirational messages on the underside like a fortune cookie of her wisdom.
I interrupt this recap with a warning: I’m gonna be mentioning Lipsa’s sex book like every other sentence because I cannot get over its existence. If anyone has read/seen this, please contact me, because we need to talk. I just can’t stomach buying a copy – cause no, I’d rather waste my money on Depends – but I MAY see if there’s a copy at my library in the trash.
Guess what – ain’t nobody got interest in Erika Jayne in Tokyo either, cause Toky-no, you’re not famous, Erika! She made the best of it with aplomb, though, to really show-out with her glam squad. Ugh – I’m tired of ‘Erika Jayne Empire’ – it’s like a less excited version of Drag Race and I just don’t buy it. Why does some random woman with a half-baked music career need so much attention? Can’t she leave the house without a production?
In Cali, Lisa Vanderpump hosts lunch for Dorit, Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave, and Kyle Richards. Just like everyone else who dares cross the swan-covered bridge to Villa Rosa, Teddi is in awe and transported to the world of LOZ where munchkin ponies and mini Poms in mini costumes roam freely, basking in the splendor of their secret paradise. Teddi calls it a “zoo castle” which is pretty much right. Teddi also jokes that she’s jealous, LVP suggests she move in and take her turn sleeping with Ken. Teddi may not be about being LVP’s sister wife, but she’s the only one!
You know, I like Teddi so far. She’s funny and wry, and I like that both she and Edwin are incredibly normal but fun. How much do we want to bet that by the end of the season I’ll be singing a different AutoTune?
Lunch is some sort of weird mash-mash of testiness between Kyle and LVP about the bounds of friendship, and who can’t take jabs. Was Kyle trying to give Teddi an advance warning that there are no friends Pom-Pom Palace; only useful clods and used exes?
Of course Dorit also kept complaining about Lipsa – ostensibly to also warn Teddi. Again. Teddi is starting to wonder who the real Dr. Jekyl and Mrs. Hyde is, because one minute Dorit is fun and easy-going; the next she’s a one-woman Lisa Rinna hating show. Poor Teddi, once again, she’s trapped in the middle of elderly problems, and left trying to botox her way out.
Luckily she’s tough! Like Teddi and Edwin spend their Saturday running up the side of a mountain in blinding heat – Edwin while pushing a DOUBLE STROLLER! This is their version of “fun.” I have a feeling if Dorit knew this, she’d immediately abandon the friendship because Dorit can’t even stand to be mildly uncomfortable for 15 seconds.
For instance, LVP has just been tapped to be editor-in-chief of Beverly Hills Lifestyles Magazine, since she is living that fabulous lifestyle $25,000 editrix glasses at a time, and decides to do a photospread featuring a new jewelry line she c0-designed with the magazine’s fashion editor. Since Dorit’s boobs are what passes for “beautiful décolletage” in Beverly Hills, Lisa asks if Dorit would model. Initially it was supposed to just be her hands and body-parts, but at the last minute the concept changed include Dorit’s face in the photos.
Dorit was furious that she didn’t have time to book HER hair and makeup people, and had to use the magazine’s. She whines and complains incessantly that she doesn’t look right, and blames Lisa for not allowing her to “be prepared.” Because of this, on principal, Dorit hates every photo. Lisa doesn’t understand because Cate Blanchett was fine with this same makeup team when she shot for the magazine! Yeah, Dorit – shut it. Plus it’s about the jewelry; not you!
Lipsa is still playing Mrs. Mom in Japan as the girls do a store appearance, disappear into the night for sushi, then reappear the next day to shoot Vogue Taiwan. Lisa, presciently, admits that’s she’s very aware her daughters’ careers were launched on name recognition and an ‘of the moment’ fascination with the “children of famous people” – a road paved by the Kardashians and Hadids. Lisa insists her girls got in the door with the name “Hamlin,” but will have to hustle, hustle, hustle like the Rinnas they are in spirit. Also – how much does Delilah look like a young Lisa?! They could be twins.
Lisa naturally worries that she’s raised savvy, self-confident girls who know when to get out of a bad situation and will trust their instincts, especially around men. She does not worry whether or not she taught them how to give head – she knows she did that because as Delilah oh-so charmingly reveals over dinner she has read her mother’s sex tip book. OK first of all there really is nothing Lisa Rinna won’t do for money – especially anything that’s about too much lip; and secondly, no wonder Harry Hamlin has turned to pies for solace. OMG – I am scarred for life after Lipsa’s story hour.
In addition to that craziness Erika dresses up like an anime geisha in some sort of cartoon sexbot costume to visit a real geisha restaurant for traditional Japanese lunch. She wears these over-the-knee f–k me boots, and then immediately has to remove them inside the restaurant. Also lunch is just as gross and creepy as hearing Lipsa give blow job instructions – it’s all baby fish fried whole, octopus balls, and many other things found in the Little Mermaid’s kingdom, but it gives Lipsa and Erika time to talk, and they have a nice friendship. Which I enjoy.
Apparently Lipsa has had revelations: One being that you shouldn’t write sex tip books as a parent, and the other being acceptance that Dorit will never apologize for calling her a schizophrenic Xanax addict, and she has to move on. They had their talk, Lipsa’s made her peace, and this new NICE Lisa Rinna is done with it.
Back in Beverly Hills Dorit has not reached that same ascension of acceptance. Instead she’s reached a higher plane through tequila.
Despite the fact that her house is undergoing renovations and has only half a floor with a toilet in the living room, which means the guests have to use the “not cute” bathroom, Kyle is still throwing a dinner party! Then whining that her OCD can’t handle it. Um, if you had OCD you wouldn’t have gone on vaycay with your house in tatters then come home to have a party with your mom’s urn mixed in with the cocktail pitchers.
The icing on the collapsing cake: while Kyle’s in her closet the power goes out! Like minutes before people are supposed to arrive. And, of course, the first person to arrive is Dorit who strolls through the door with a litany of complaints and then, when she realizes there’s no light or air condition, decides her doppelgänger must come out to survive this party. UGH Dorit is awful.
I was thinking the power outage was kind of fun. First of all no one would be able to see the chaos of Kyle’s un-done home, and secondly it’s a make the best of it 0ff-kilter situation that evokes casual chaos where people let their guards down and stop the pretenses. Everyone but Dorit was embracing it and seemed in a good spirits. I felt the party had a relaxed, unexpectedly fun vibe with lots of jokes which weren’t mean-spirited. Like someone asking if Mauricio paid the electric bill. Or LVP randomly bringing a candle as a hostess gift (maybe SHE caused the power outage on purpose since she’s to blame for everything that goes wrong on RHOBH!?)
Teddi and Edwin barely even knew anyone, and Edwin hadn’t even met Kyle or Mauricio, yet they were rolling with it and having fun. But not Dorit. Nope. Not Dorit. No wonder she has nannies because this girl cannot cope with anything beyond her control and parenthood is just that. Like just when you think you know what they’re doing; they’re reading your sex book!
But Dorit was dressed like a Poison groupie with her Brett Michaels Do-Rag so apparently she decided to party like a rockstar too! After way too many tequila shots and glasses of wine, she went on a tear of nonsense and for some odd reason Camille Grammer bore the brunt of it. Well, hey, at least Camille was finally forced to open her mouth on one of these episodes!
Poor Camille – she brought her boyfriend David and was introducing him to the group for the first time. And he seems lovely. All was going well until a drunken Dorit roared that they might have another baby and Camille should be the “godfather” Camille pointed out that she doesn’t have a penis and balls, but Dorit decided to remedy that by creating a strap-on called “The Camille”. Actually I’d call it the gRAM-‘er and shove it into Dorit’s tequila-infested mouth. She needed to make like Lisa Rinna and shut it, but instead she must’ve read Lipsa’s book for some sex tips and her mouth runneth over just like her cups.
As if that wasn’t bad enough for some unintelligible reason in the middle of dinner Dorit screamed “Camille is a stupid c-u-n-t.” And that was it. Mauricio even told her to hush. How mortifying! With that, Camille’s patience ran out, and her pernicious side, long lay buried in a diamond coffin inside her soul, was about to awaken. This beast has no such qualms about ripping open a person’s social insecurities (or was it inadequacies?), and while Dorit was reading Rinnovation, Camille is thumbing through her trusty copy of ‘The Art Of War.’ Oh I relish the return of Season 1 Camille, Viking of Malibu Tennis Courts!
Very interested to see how this shakes out…
TELL US – DID DORIT GO TOO FAR OR IS CAMILLE OVER-SENSITIVE? HAVE YOU READ ‘RINNOVATION’?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
