Last night Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills reached a new low. That low, no surprise, was Brandi GlanvilleāsĀ mouth ā a tunnel of obscenities with no light at the end.Ā
BoozdiĀ is hostingĀ a housewarming party for her latest rental. Lucky Kyle Richards lives 5 minutes away, which means Kyle is listingĀ her house on the MLS ā gotta keep up with the Fosters!Ā
So Brandiās house, letās be honest: girl had it staged for the sake of this party.Ā You know her real furniture consists of futons, plastic stacking chairs, a beerpong table, a keg-o-rator with Red Solo Cup dispenser, and jungle juice on tap. On Brandiās NetflixĀ Animal House, followed by Thelma & Louise are her most viewed selections. Outside thereās a sign that reads, āWhen youāre here, youāre home!ā
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Kyle clatters around her dressing room,Ā discussingĀ her personal problems with Portia, aged 5 (seems fitting, right?!). Which Lisa should KyleĀ suck up to more: VP or Lips? Will Rambles ever get her act together? Is Mauricio going to stop putting turkey sandwiches in the dryer thinking itās Tupperware? Even Portia looks bored ā whichĀ explains howĀ Kyle ended up wearing a dress that looks like swimming pool liner/figure skating costume (did you see the illusion netting?!).Ā
BrandiĀ wandersĀ around in various states of duress and undress ā Ā just like every other time Brandi encounters a party. Her plan is to get naked wasted so if anything goes wrong she doesnātĀ remember ā ālike blackout sex!ā Which explains why sheās wearing a dress with no top.Ā Her name was Boozdi, she was a showgirl, whiskeyĀ in her hair, nipple flashing everywhereā¦ Yolanda Foster follows BrandiĀ around the party with double-stick tape, tsk, tsking: āBut Braaaaandi, your boobies they are ā how you say? ā showing with your father present.ā
Lisa Vanderpump showed-up unexpectedly soĀ Brandi promptly forgot every single other person at the party and followed Lisa around like a low-rent Giggy. āYou love me,ā she kept saying, trying to make Lisa say it back; trying to put words in Lisaās mouth when she should have just put a drink in Lisaās hand. āShe loves me,ā Brandi informedĀ Leeza GibbonsĀ (huh? Random!). Lisa responded, āNo she doesnāt.ā Brandi ā channel the swans, be a swan! Keep your furry diaper bottom at a distance soĀ Lisa will chase you ā donāt be a lapdog; Lisa has a zillion of them in all colors and sparkles and she neednāt add to the collection!Ā
BrandiĀ is confused why Lisa came. Sheās only been begging Lisa, so be happy she graced youĀ with her presence! But then BrandiĀ wouldnāt be able to complain that Lisa snubs herā¦ Lisa admits sheās being the bigger person, to prove she isnāt dragging out the negativity. And being the bigger person ā with calculations (and wine!) ā is how you checkmate a bitch!
Kyle and Yolanda sit on the sidelines, Kyle with a scrunch-face, annoyed that Lisa wasnāt stupid enough to make herself look petty by not coming.Ā
Brandi parades Lisa all around the party, breathlessly introducing Lisa to her parents all the while Lisa was bemusedly side-eying Brandiās boobs popping out of her dress. Lisa joked with Brandiās parents, who were all too ready to take Lisaās side as Brandiās sweet mama explained Brandi has always been mean with a mouth. Lisa joked that she blames the parents and Brandiās mom looked crestfallen. I know Lisa was joking, but it was a joke that hit too close to home and I really feel bad for Brandiās parents. They seem nice, sweet, normal, and confused about how they got swept up in a daughter whoĀ talks about being dickmatized on TV whileĀ her boobs fallĀ out.Ā
Oh yes, AdrienneĀ arrived.Ā Brandi coveted Adrienneās boytoy, whom I will here-by rename Oedipal Complex (WHAT IS HIS DEAL?! DOES HE HATE HIS MOTHER THAT MUCH?!). Of the many things I cannot comprehend about Adrienne, her hair is high-ranking on the list. Itās the same cheap synthetic polyester of a 1980ās Barbie Doll.Ā
Rambles RichardsĀ gaveĀ a long speech about beingĀ proud of Brandi. Kyle chimed in because: canāt let Kim hog all the cameratime. In the background Ken looks like heād like to drown himself in the pool.Ā
Personally, I think Brandi and Kim should just face their inevitable destiny and move-in together like some sort of Golden GirlsĀ odd couple (Thank You For NOT Being A Friend!). They could putterĀ around one of Kathy Hiltonās old homes, which she usesĀ for storing the holiday decorations and Parisā old pets; Kim making chicken salad and doing impressions, cleaning up after Brandiās parties, and Brandi dragging home young hotties and telling crass jokes. Every night Brandi will crack open a bottle of chard and Kim will hit the NA stuff and theyāll swapĀ stories from the good old days, when Kim played frisbeeĀ with Tippi Hedrenās lions and Brandiās face didnāt resemble a plastic mold from Madame Tussauds. Kingsley will be in the backyard zoo.Ā
After that party ended Lisa Rinna did the Ice Bucket Challenge on Access Hollywood and explained theĀ importance of staying young in Hollywood (vaginal rejuvenation time?!). Eileen DavidsonĀ complained aboutĀ convincing herself she likesĀ working-out when sheād rather eat donuts. SometimesĀ sheĀ even eats donuts atĀ SoulCycle! Eileen and Lipsa are really candid about what it takes to have longevity in Hollywood ā looking young, staying present, being professional, and not letting your personal life take the spotlight.Ā
Of course, then they signed up for RHOBH and all that went out the window.Ā
LVPĀ has a charity teaĀ at PUMP to procure donated dresses for girls in foster care. Itās the first time the ladies have seen PUMP.Ā YoFrigidaire is miffed she wasnāt invited to the opening. She reminds Lisa of thisĀ as she walks through the front gate. Is this gonna be her schtick this season ā constantly admonishingĀ Lisa on how she slighted her and hurt her feelings? Look Yo ā take your issuesĀ to Starbucks.
YoFridgidaire spent all last season calling Lisa a āHollywood friendā, so sheĀ canāt have hurt feelings when LVPāsĀ acting the part. Maybe thatās the problem: Hollywood friends at least invite you to their fabulous events and Lisa isnāt even doing that for Yo, whom Lisa knows is just rambling around SourPuss Manor inspecting the toilets and perusing private jet redecorating websites while she triesĀ to drown out the constant flow of elevator music emitting from Davidās office āĀ who knows who or what he is singing with!Ā Ā
The other girls arrive, oohing and aahing overĀ PUMP, which is spectacular.Ā Brandi isĀ afraid to walk in, the smell of class and sophistication repulses her, like a vampire confronted with sunlight.Ā Lisa bustles up to the gate, wrenchesĀ the donated dresses from her hands, and demands the PUMP server take them to incinerator ā who knows where theyāve come from (Forever 21) or what theyāve been doing (Forever 21).Ā
The tension between Brandi and Lisa could be cut with a teaspoon. Brandi spots the sangria cart and makes a beeline. Then rips a twigĀ from one of Lisaās 100-year-old imported olive trees and extendsĀ anĀ olive branch in what she thought was a witty move. Lisa rebuffs her, so Brandi rips an entire branch off and waves it in Lisaās face. Lisa is aghast. Eileenās mouth is agape. Kyle is stupefied.Ā
āPut it back,āĀ Lisa demands. āTurn back time and take it all away. You, this, me being forced to interact with you ā this whole charade of a friendship. Just stoppit! I donāt want it.ā Brandi giggles awkwardly.Ā That tree is probably worth more than Brandiās rental! Time for LVP to issue Boozdi a Cease & Desist Sucking Up letter, withĀ an eloquently-worded bill enclosed.Ā
Later Yolanda volunteers right on the spot to take the Ice Bucket Challenge because her friend has ALS.Ā Lisa dumps a bucket of ice over Yoās head and her makeup remains perfectly in-tact. Revenge is forcing your classy friend into an impromptu wet t-shirt contest!Ā
Then Brandi invites Lisa to lunch. Lisa says maybe. So Boozdi offers to eat Lisaās p-ssy. Yes, she saidĀ to Lisa, āDo you want me to eat your p-ssy.ā Lisa doesnāt even let Ken get near that! Lisa recovered well and promptly told the other girls what Brandi said. Collective shock reverberated through the table. āWhat means cunnilingusā a suddenly foreignĀ Yolanda wonders, āIs it a vegetable?ā Well, it is something you eat ā maybe Yo should ask David for a definition!Ā
EileenĀ changes the subject. I mean how do you go from ladies lunch to ladies who munch? Just no? Ugh, Brandiā¦ just so many noās I donāt have the words! Eileen realizesĀ something really dark and soap operatic is going on between Lisa and Brandi, something she wants no part of. She only wants to play with crazy as a character on Days.Ā
Afterwards, sans LVP, the girls sit down together to discuss all the ways sheĀ has wronged them, because Lipsa and Eileen are confused by the origins of the species known as Housewives drama. Itās not too different from evolution girls! Lisa, the alpha, continued to grow upright, walking on the highest heels, to the most beautiful flowers and wine, landing her own show, and the other girls got the recessive storylines: outdated hair flips, desperate attention seeking, chicken salad for beginners, boozing and bruising, and David.
Brandiās issueĀ isĀ Lisa beingĀ ābest friendsā with her husbandās mistress. I love how Brandi is exonerating herself from ever doing anything wrong ā itās all Lisaās fault. Same story, different season. Scheana works for Lisa and is friends with Pandora.Ā Brandi is mad that Lisa wouldnāt fire Scheana and demand Pandy stop being her friend, which she believes isĀ Lisa choosing Scheana over her. Similar to when Adrienne got mad that Lisa wouldnātĀ force Pandy to have a party at The Palms. This is supposed to be real life not schadenfreude.Ā
Brandi says they all love Lisa, they just have issues with her. Then she changes it ā theyāve all been fāked by Lisa, and now they want their apologies. Everyone grimaces. Eileen sighs, this is gonna be a long season and sheās already made up her mind to stick by LVP.Ā
TELL US ā DOES BRANDI NEED TO C&D WITH THE SUCKING UP? IS THIS THE GROSSEST EPISODE OF RHOBH TO DATE?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]