Last night on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills we were treated to a feast of crazy. Newbie Yolanda Foster tells us her biggest problem in life is having too many lemons about her house (she has an orchard of lemon trees), and after last night's dinner party I think that very well may be the case. Sometimes friendships go sour, and sometimes sour grapes ruin a friendship before it even begins.
Things begin with Kim Richards getting her youngest daughter Kimberly ready for prom. Kim is breathless with anxiety and is taking out her stress by molesting a vat of chicken salad for 100 while Kimberly gets her hair done. Kim comes out with this bowl that weighs as much as she does and sets it down in the middle of some banquet feast saying she just wants everything to be perfect.
It was literally the chicken salad that ate Kim Richards and she was running her fingers through it, caressing it, just praying on this chicken mess that everything would go perfectly.
Kimberly's boyfriend shows up and he's 20 to her 16. What?! Maybe they should stay home and eat chicken salad. How exactly did this man meet this teenager and who exactly is condoning this? Well, besides Bravo and Kim, obviously. I'll try not to judge… I have to say I cannot get over how gorgeous Kimberly is and how much she looks like a young Kim.
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Over at Splits Richards' house one of her daughters is learning to drive. Kyle hauls her out to the front, shoves her in the drivers seat of a Porsche and instructs her to parallel park. So how many of y'all learned to parallel park on a Porsche? #RichPeopleProblems. I fail to see the logic in that – I mean maybe it was the smallest car they own, but learning to drive on a roadster makes for anxiety.
Kyle tells her daughter the story of her own first misguided driving attempts when she stole Kim's Ferrari and crashed it because a bee flew in the window and she freaked out. This is supposed to remind Richards Daughter I Can't Identify Since They All Look Like Kyle Klones to pay attention. I bet Kyle was really fixing her hair and lied about the bee.
Then Lisa Vanderfabulous arrives. She's dressed to the nines; all sparkles and glory radiating off her rhinestones and pink fairy dust sprinkling as she walks. She strolls into Kyle's humble abode where Kyle is in sweats and offering her dog treats as a snack. Lisa politely declines and then as Kyle is making tea, Lisa scoots gingerly to the edge of the sofa and picks a piece of lint off a pillow.
Kyle comes back and the reason for this peace tea becomes apparent when Kyle instantly mentions Adrienne Maloof. Lisa rolls her eyes and logically explains that if Adrienne thinks she is so horrible a person that she would intentionally sabotage her business and then sell stories about her to tabloids, why on earth does Adrienne WANT to be her friend?
Lisa is too smart for this lot – and she knows Adrienne is using this feud to generate a storyline cause otherwise she's b-to-the-oring minus her crazy-ass hair and clothes. Adrienne has less personality than that tree trunk she had inelegantly delivered to Vila Blanca.
Kyle is stupefied. Clearly reason alludes her. She offers Lisa another dog treat, but Lisa must whiz off. Kyle sits there thinking for a long time. See, reason is something that never occurred to her. That's why she's been able to remain friends with Taylor Armstrong.
Yolanda is throwing a dinner party at her 60,000 square foot house. She hopes she can find her husband in time for the event. Really, if your house is that big do you need to workout or can you just meander around looking at all the stuff you forgot you had in bedroom number 34?
Anyway, all zillion rooms are spotless and Yolanda has some sort of glass, walk-in, color coordinated fridge for all her fruit and veggies. Where does she keep the embarrassing stuff like cookie dough and boxed wine? She probably has a secret hidden fridge in kitchen number 6.
Yolanda wanders around blithely telling us about the view and how she designed the house herself and how this dinner party will be informal and let the girls get to know her. Spare yourself Yolanda – you don't want to get to know them! Yolanda has hired a familiar RHOBH face for the occasion, Camille Grammer's dinner party from hell butler/chef from season one. I'm sure you remember him as the man who served Alison du Bois and Loony Lips cocktails bigger than their heads and let them get wildly out of control while Camille smirked, and smirked, and smirked.
Anyway, he's back – and hopefully he's not a bad omen or anything! Yolanda has apparently been hiring him for eons and likes his coconut shrimp (seriously – can a dish be anymore uninspired than coconut shrimp?).
On the day of the Foster Fete, Kim is riding in the ice limo with a silent and sour-faced Adrienne and an loquacious and bitchy Paul Nassif. Adrienne and Paul have never met Yolanda courtesy of Lisa's Villa Blanca snub. This make Paul mad. Paul no like snub. Paul want respect. Paul feels Lisa owes Adrienne an apology for being mean to their dog and slandering her shoe business.
Kim is like, 'So, um… Yolanda and Kyle have the same birthday! They're like the same sign! We're getting our charts done. Also, I made chicken salad. Want some? I only touched it for 45 minutes as a stress reliever. It's in my purse – HERE!'
Listen, I get it that Paul wants to be liked by everyone and felt left out of Lisa's little party, but you reap what you sow. Adrienne got on TV and made serious accusations against Lisa that she won't apologize for – and she harassed Lisa over Pandora's bachelorette party, so yeah, I think that's worse than jokingly calling their stupid dog they bought for reality TV attention "crackpot."
Mauricio is escorting Kyle and her Big Brothers/Big Sisters mentee Taylor to the party. Kyle jokes that Taylor is Mauricio's second wife. Kyle – I would NOT be joking about that. You know Taylor has already planned to off you so she can move in on Mauricio, luckily he recognizes that she's completely insane and keeps a safe distance and only says nice things about her after he found the hidden bugs she planted in their house to spy on them.
Yolanda has decided to invite some of David's young, single male musician friends, including world-famous trumpeter Chris Botti, to give the party more variety. Yolanda didn't realize that at least one of the single ladies in attendance is under the care of Dr. Sophy, doctor to the celebrity insane, and probably shouldn't be allowed near any men of advanced means. Rookie mistake, Yo, rookie mistake.
Both Lisa and Adrienne will be attending this party and the two have not met face-to-face since last season's reunion. Lisa is friends with Yolanda and has been a frequent guest at her home. No one else has ever been graced with an invite. #BeverlyHillsPeckingOrder
Most of the girls are in jeans, which I thought was really cool. Lisa, on the other hand, is wearing a cocktail dress with iron shoulder pads. I'll take it symbolically to be a suit of armor in case anyone gets out of line. Ken is representing in pink. Giggy (thankfully) stayed home. I'm sure Yolanda hates dog hair, but just in case has a fleet of robotic Dysons that deploy on command.
Everyone is bowled over by the simple elegance and beautiful views of Yolanda's fortress on the cliffs of Malibu. Kyle can't get over the fridge. And Taylor has bitten off a serious chunk of the bitter pill. She was swallowing jelly beans by the pound as soon as she walked through the door. This is what Taylor imagined her life would be like when she said she worked hard for this zipcode. It's not a cute look for her and she better be careful or her face might freeze that way!
Taylor exuberantly tells us she knows David since he used to be married to one of her best friends, Linda Thompson. This fact is swiftly disproved when David introduces himself to Taylor and has absolutely NO idea who she is. It was a reality TV gold moment.
As Paul and Adrienne arrive, Lisa quickly exits the group to avoid saying hello and acts as if the Maloof-Nassifs do not exist in her radar of awesomeness of pale pink. Seriously Lisa was like, 'Adrienne who?' as if they were ghosts. The Ghosts of Beverly Hills past, that is!
Paul is floored. Kyle tries to smooth the situation over because she doesn't want drama. After all, Yolanda and David might unload this behemoth someday and she wants to make a good impression for Mauricio's business!
Yolanda ushers everyone to dinner and has unfortunately for Chris Botti's sake placed him next to Taylor. And equally unfortunate is that Adrienne and Lisa are directly across from each other. Yolanda was unaware that the two are on the outs. The food is seriously scrumptious looking. And David is charming, telling the story how he met Yolanda through her ex-husband Mohamed after seeing her photo at Mohamed's house (the two were already divorced). It was love at first site. He seemed genuine and sweet.
Yolanda really is impeccable and her taste exquisite. Unfortunately it did not rub off on all her guests. After hitting the wine stash a little too prolifically, Taylor starts having a designer imposters meltdown and proceeds to regale Chris Botti with the tale of her "arch-nemesis" Brandi Glanville and how she has slept with all 15,000 men in Beverly Hills. It's as if this is the plot of some high-class superskank porno, "Brandi Beds The BH." I can seriously hear the liner tag now: "It's the most famous zip code in the world, and home to some of the most wealthy and fabulous men. And Brandi wants to devour them all!"
Anyway, No one defends Brandi. I guess some people couldn't hear, and some people like Adrienne do not like Brandi much so why bother. The comeuppance was that Taylor embarrassed herself.
Yes, Taylor. This is exactly how to attract a man. Slur gossip at him while you practically fall in his lap, polluting the environment with your alcohol-soaked breath. Chris, to his credit, did not really engage and laughed it off. Yolanda is unimpressed. Big time. I really wish she would have trekked down there and asked Taylor to take a timeout for being rude and having poor manners.
Following the drama, David makes a detour to the Grammy Award laden piano where he plays his favorite song that he's ever written. Coincidentally it was Kim and Kyles' mom's favorite song. The sisters are excited and emotional and David laughs about his popularity with the over 60 crowd.
I was all prepared to think David was a pompous ass, but he's really fun and goofy. Yolanda ushers the guests to the piano where they all gather for a little concert. Splits cannot keep her hands off the Grammy awards. David jokes that they're party favors and everyone gets one.
Splits and Taylor launch into their own rendition of "Amazing Grace" and while it sounded like dying cats at least Kyle didn't call herself a wench like SOME Housewives (ahem… Melissa Gorga).
David realizes no one should have to be auditorily assaulted in the presence of musicians, so he tells the ladies it's quiet time and to leave the singing to the professionals. Taylor is not liking this. Apparently this is Taylor-Time and if girlfriend wants to do a little drunken karaoke, so be it and she'll get up there and whoop it up if she wants to. She starts complaining – loudly – that David is uptight, rude, and this is boring.
"Good GRIEF!" Taylor whines loudly in the middle of a rendition of "Amazing Grace." Seriously she was reminiscent of Verruca Salt, minus the wealthy parents and desire for chocolate. 'I want to sing, David, and I want to sing NOW!!!!!!!'
I think this Wonka quote is even perfectly placed, "We are the music makers…and we are the dreamers of dreams…," he tells Verruca on the heels of one of her meltdowns, right before she is shoved down the trash chute.
When Chris Botti starts playing "Danny Boy" on the trumpet, Taylor turns on the fake waterworks and warbles about how it's too depressing since it's a funeral song and how she just can't handle it. On and on. Just let the people sing, Taylor. Paul interjects to request some happy music. My Little Pony theme song, perhaps?
Yolanda has had enough of the wine and the whine and it's time for these girls to be shipped out from whence they came. Some people apparently aren't impressed by award-winning musicians; they're only impressed by the sound of their own voices. Yolanda launches the girls into a chorus line of "The Saints Go Marching In" and she marches the whole lot of them out into the driveway. "Call me," she mouths to Lisa as her heart fills with dread at what she's gotten herself into.
And that is how Loony Lips ruined another party.
Things end with Adrienne and Lisa finally having a sit-down. After the producers forced her to go meet with Adrienne, Lisa yanked on another one of her blouses (seriously did she raid Dolly Parton's closet? Krystle Carrington's?) for the ocassion. Seriously I must know – where does Lisa get her blouses made? Elvis Impersonators R Us?
Ken wants to come along for moral support. Lisa would rather have Giggy, but she's grateful for the offer and stalks off. Lisa arrives and stares at Adrienne expectantly, like, 'So – where's my apology?' and that's where things end. Two ladies in hella-tacky blouses facing off over yesterdays' news and how exactly the tabloids procured it.
And really, Adrienne just apologize because you are in the wrong here and it's time to swallow your pride and move on.
[Photo Credit: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – WAS TAYLOR OUT OF LINE AT THE FOSTER'S? IS PAUL BEING PETTY OR DOES HE HAVE A RIGHT TO BE ANGRY AT LISA? DID ANYONE EAT KIM'S CHICKEN SALAD?
