At long last this season of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills has come to an end. After how stagnant the last few seasons have been change finally happened when Lisa Vanderpump left the show. Love LVP, or hate her, and she’s certainly manipulative, but are Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave and Dorit Kemsley really victims? Big. Fat. Unaccountable. NO.
That was truly one of the most boring season finales I’ve ever witnessed, and I realized I don’t actually like any of these women. I also wonder what they’re going to do next season when scapegoats LVP and Camille Grammer don’t come back. We all know the producers are going to demand and insist that the women turn on one of their bosom buddies. Good thing all their bosoms are fake!
My theory is that Denise Richards will elevate herself into the New Brandi Glanville. Nu-Ville? Like Nu Villean. And we all know Kyle Richards is going to be upping her anxiety meds due to panic attacks that Lisa Rinna will try to wrench the crown off her helicopter hair whip in a coup to be the queen bee of RHOBH. Kyle is allergic to bees, you guys!
Lipsa knows how to make good TV – something Kyle, with her canceled sitcoms, clearly does not. The only way Kyle could carry a season of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills is if Kim Richards returns and brings Kathy ‘Scorched Earth’ Hilton with her. Otherwise it will be Kyle trying to hang back, while surreptitiously hanging her friends out to dry. Basically playing manipulator in LVP’s stead, except Kyle’s life, personality and surroundings aren’t glamorous and exciting enough.
The only thing interesting about Erika Jayne is why she has created a facade to hide her real personality. And I fully predict that Teddi will become Denise’s target next season. Dorit, meanwhile, will be scrambling. Dorit is in the weakest position because she needs this job more than anyone else, but she also desperately needs to keep her truth hidden.
The other option is a cast change. For instance an enemy of Kyle’s and a friend of Lipsa’s. This constant fake ‘I love you so much. We’re best friends. Please don’t talk about my financial messes on TV’ routine is cutting off their already diminished noses to spite their frozen faces.
But therein lies the problem with RHOBH: no one is true to themselves, and that is why they cling, desperately, to lazy and lame placebo stories. Real Housewives Of New York would have dueling financial messes revealed, and everyone would be fighting openly about who is more broke and delusional. Erika, Teddi, and Dorit wouldn’t last half a day with Ramona Singer or Bethenny Frankel. Bethenny would pick Teddi’s bones, then send a photo of her skeleton to the accountability groups. Now that is some TV I want to see. Make it happen Bravo. Otherwise, in the immortal words of Camille Donatacci Grammer Meyer, “Shut it down.”
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Well I guess I better recap this officially, huh. The finale opens with the most interesting thing about Kyle’s life: her relationship with KimKillah Rambles Richards. The Twisted Sisters Richards dynamic has fueled this show before it was taken over by a blizzard of half-assed text messages about a dog no one really loved, and back then the show was good. First Kim and Kyle talk about how Kim is a new grandmother even though I’m pretty sure Kim’s daughter had a baby 65 million hears ago when stuffed bunnies named Kingsley ruled the earth and savaged social climbing C-List actresses.
Then Kyle boasts about The Agency. She’s throwing a party to celebrate their 25th office location. Basically these are like Circle K for real estate?
Now Kyle’s daughter Alexia is also working there. I mean why get skills when you can get nepotism?! After 3 months of living at home and working for daddy, Alexia has discovered work ethic, you guys. More like Kyle is waking her up every day by bringing breakfast in bed, laying out her clothes (which are probably lefter over from AleneTooBad’s closing fire sale), driving Alexia to the office, proofreading her emails, calling her clients, and organizing her contracts…
I guess, at least Kyle’s girls not trying to be super models!
Kim will not be attending The Agency opening. Kim claims it’s to avoid another run-in with Lipsa, because despite their reconciliation at Farrahween Kim isn’t ready to fully forgive. We all know the real reason is that Kathy Hilton will stop paying Kim’s bills for being disloyal! Aaah…don’t ever change, ladies!
Over at Dorit’s she and PeeKay, who have no actual jobs to speak of, are now playing clowns riding a toddler bicycle through their living room. Dorit is even comically dressed in heels with attached tube socks and Jaggy’s size 4T sweatshirt. Seriously between Kingsley, Lucy Why Is This Apple Juice Not Hard Cider?, and Puppygate hasn’t this show had enough dogs? But no, apparently not, we have to also see PeeKay.
The topic here is obviously Camille’s brazenness in exposing Dorit and PeeKay as the fraudsters they are! “Camille questioning where my money comes from? Did she forget where her money comes from,” Dorit accuses. Um, THE SAME PLACE Dorit’s non-money came from! Rich men. But in Camille’s case, Kelsey is actually rich! Plus it’s not Camille’s fault he’s a philandering asshole who publicly humiliated her. In the immortal words of Ivana Trump, “Don’t get mad, get everything!” Also that’s about the stupidest comment you can make on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills! Seriously, as if 3/4 of the women in Beverly Hills didn’t just marry money. Yes, of course Erika Jayne’s income is paying for the PJs from Pasadena, right!
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Also, you’re such a fuckin’ liar, Dorit. Beverly Beach is not doing wonderfully. Dorit can pretend all she wants that this lawsuit is terrorizing the ‘baby’ she poured her heart and soul (and Triple DDD’s) into, but this would never have happened if Dorit had only gotten a brain paid her bills!
PK won’t be attending the Agency party because he won’t be able to fit his fat head in an Agency hat he has to hang out with his 18-year-old daughter Atlanta. Huh? We all know PK’s just afraid Camille will confront him with proof about his lawsuits. So PK sends Dorit off alone with the instructions to just ignore Camille, but it’s as impossible to ignore Housewives you hate as it is to ignore unpaid bills! Ultimately Dorit tags along with Denise and Aaron. And in the car ride rambles about selling her house to move someplace with a backyard. Except Dorit doesn’t own her house. And she’s broke, so maybe the condo unit will have a shared playground?
Dorit is legit more full of shit than someone doing a Teddi Mellencamp detox. Also lurking in the backseat promising to protect Dorit from Evil Camille, Aaron looks like a Lifetime Movie serial killer creeper.
The hilarious thing is that Denise is actually going through a tragedy, and literally living out hotels because Malibu is so toxic after the fire, yet Dorit just keeps whining about Camille exposing her selfish, arrogant, irresponsible ways. Which is the same issue Dorit has with LVP! Dorit has switched from bitching about being the victim of puppygate to bitching about Camille. Dorit and PK are essentially the Teresa and Joe Giudice of RHOBH. Can the feds deport you for a bad accent alone?
Kyle’s basic, generic party is attended by basically the Bravo peeps and a few hangers-on. Isn’t it risky throwing a party celebrating Mauricio’s financial success considering that Camille is on the guest list? Apparently not.
Teddi’s hair is like 80’s newscaster from the midwest. It literally moves in one sprayed clump. Lipsa shows up in a Dolly Parton collection wig she bought from the coupons of the LA Times while Erika is wearing a pink bobbed wig, which is very Tammy Faye Baker. Clearly her makeup inspiration.
As soon as Camille walks in, friends/umbrella handlers in tow, she beelines for Kyle to announce that she’s disgusted by everyone ganging up on her when she just lost her assistant and her mansion. Kyle wanted to know how Camille was doing, well the answer was “Not well, bitch!”
Kyle pretends she feels sorry for Camille, so Teddi starts jumping in. In response, Camille puts her hand up and says, “Shut it down.” THANK YOU. Enough of Teddi taking accountability for everyone but herself. Newsflash – no one in this group is paying for her textestes advice. Not even John Blizzard. Teddi doesn’t like being told teh truth so she storms into the hallway where she finds Erika and Lipsa hovering near some sad little bar.
The genesis of this party is Camille wandering around trying to leave and finding herself re-provoked and then dismissing these women as if they’re Kimber trying to pack Camille’s suitcase. Enemy number 1 is Teddi who is rejected time and time again.Meanwhile Denise just keeps trying to simulatenaously clean up the messes while inflaming them. She’s basically throwing gasoline on everything in Kyle’s closet.
Denise is also dressed like a hooker, according to Lipsa. Well, a Pretty Woman hooker, but none of the hookers Denise has actually met. I thought it seemed accurate? But I’ve never met any hookers only high-end escorts (it was for a story I was working on and it was fascinating!)
Camille tells Kyle she felt ganged up on and targeted for “not jumping on the Lisa Vanderpump hate train.” Now Camille realizes what it’s like to have Kyle as a friend… she will never have your back in your time of need! Never, not ever. Kyle thought Camille was remorseful after the other night ad doesn’t understand where this is coming from, but Camille claims she went home and ruminated, started channeling her inner Brett Kavanaugh, and decided she was going to stand up for marginalized entitled wealthy people everywhere. When a person loses their mansion to natural disaster the thing to do is not blame the establishment, but demand endless sympathy for having to wear a used designer coat.
After being told by Camille to “shut it down” Teddi starts tattling to Lisa and Erika, and making everything about how Teddi feels and what Teddi wants and what Teddi needs. I cannot believe there is a person on this show more needy and exhausting than Kyle!! Teddi basically needs to move into Kyle’s house and let Kyle smother her after Portia writes her tell-all exposing Kyle for teh psycho she is. Teddi decides she’s going to be the bigger person by not addressing Camille’s shitty behavior… Um, what about her OWN. Like attacking her grieving friend because she wants to be accepted by the geriatric Heathers.
When Lipsa asks Camille if they can talk, Camille simply says “No,” then calls Lipsa a mean girl for turning her wedding into an opportunity to bash her over being nice about LVP. YES! Seriously, though, Lipsa needs to stop self-appointing herself as the moral authority. As KimKillah just reminded us Lipsa’s past BEHAVIORS have been pretty abominable! This episode was brought to us by the word “Behaviors” and the letter “I,” by the way. Lipsa feels that when her father died she never played victim, nor did anyone cut her any slack – in fact they accused her of being a pill popper. Therefore LVP and Camille don’t deserve soft treatment either. Empathy is dead!
Eventually, Denise finds Camille in the bathroom to suggest that she apologize to Dorit. Camille agrees. Camille remains at the party and gets stuck listening to Kyle make a speech thanking herself for all Mauricio’s success with The Agency. (Kyle did not thank Kathy and Rick Hilton for the leg up, btw #KathyForRHOBH2020)
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Afterwards, Camille corners Dorit, who is “shaking,” to offer her an apology. Dorit doesn’t buy it – and she’ll buy almost anything, but to avoid more potential embarrassment, Dorit accepts. Which is when Teddi moves in. Teddi calls Camille condescending which Teddi doesn’t like and it’s Teddi’s world and we’re all just living in it, with her texting cheesy accountability memes at 6:45 am on a Saturday. Work hard, play hard, ride in an Endless Summer RV with attached viagra dispenser, and get a bankrupted bikini named after you! Camille’s patience has run as emptieth as Dorit’s bank account, however, and she basically tells Teddi to go away if she doesn’t like her.
Now it’s finally time for Denise to do something Housewifey for the first time ever when she and Camille get into their much-anticipated verbal scuffle, which is over all horrible things: Teddi! It’s Camille against the world and she is #MentioningItAll when she accuses Teddi of snubbing Mason at the airport in Hawaii, which Denise does not believe. After being married to Charlie Sheen, Denise can handle drama, but Camille was married to Kelsey so… toe for toe. I get where Denise was coming from. Was Camille being petty and obnoxious? Yes. Was it Denise’s place to defend everyone but Camille, while trying to goad Camille into an argument? Nope. No one tells Denise to back off though!
On her way out the door, Camille runs into Lipsa and Dorit. These two are as authentic as an AmEx Hot Pink as they keep insisting they’re there for Camille if she ever needs to to talk. Re: open up about all her dirty secrets they can later use against her! Camille is too smart for their pernicious ways and tells Dorit, “I already have a psychiatrist, thanks.” In the car ride home Camille complains to David, who was basically trying not to laugh which makes me think the entire thing was fake.
Still, at the horrendous party, Kyle whips out rose they brought from Provence to share a little of their trip with Denise. It was probably boxed Franzia Kyle poured into glass bottles. Of course, Kyle brags about it being “my wine” and then pretends to be sad Camille isn’t there. Things don’t end there though (sadly!).
Fast-forward to “6 months later” everyone is STILL talking about LVP. Time stands still in Beverly Hills! On the heels of LVP opening up Vanderpump Cocktail Garden in Cesar’s Palace the women gather at Kyle’s house for lunch. To trash LVP they all have to act like BFFs, even though they haven’t seen each other since The Agency party. Immediately Dorit mentions the bar opening, which The Traitor Camille, attended and LVP’s need to be treated like a queen. Et Tu Dorit, right. Love the Julius Cesar irony!
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Then Lipsa and Kyle both recount their random run-ins with LVP. Lipsa’s happened a parking garage. LVP had wet nails but couldn’t find her wallet to pay for parking, yet still refused Lipsa’s blood money. “It’s 2019 get gel nails,” scoffs Erika.
The season closes with LVP puttering around with her dogs (not those bitches!) and Kyle fake crying about seeing LVP in Neimans. Kyle feels relieved to no longer be friends with LVP who never really love her enough. Teddi proclaims that everyone in their group has apologized except for one person. Um, herself? In fact Teddi’s one regret of the season is “going along with LVP’s scheme,” which is considered taking accountability in Teddi-land. Finally, everyone toasts to everlasting friendships so long as they have LVP to trash talk, even though they claim to be so tired of her!
The last supper, er, lunch, I suppose…
TELL US – WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE SEASON FINALE? ARE YOU DISAPPOINTED LVP DIDN’T SHOW UP?
[Photo Credits: bravo]
