Reporting from Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills there’s really nothing to report here people! The women survived Berlin, no pandas were injured as a result of this filming, they returned to LA: gyrated, cried over houses and bikinis and puppies, then left us to go hide until the finale. You know – it was that calm before the storm finale episode and it made my heart sad because that means the end is near for this season of RHOBH. Also this trip to Berlin was brought to us by Aperol Spritz, which I am now going to be drinking liberally because it apparently erases cellulite, droopy brows, bad manners, and the need to cause drama over nothing!
Kyle Richards and Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave are sitting in a the lobby of Berlin’s finest luxury hotel just waiting, and waiting, and waiting for the appearance of their idol, pop star Erika Jayne. Teddi jitters her knee and double-checks that her autograph book is by her side; Kyle, anxious she’s not cool enough, hikes up her over-the-knee boots a little higher and decides she better paint her nails. I’m impressed with her on-the-fly mani skills though!
Is Erika never coming down? Nope – she’s not! And everybody just puts Teddi in the corner and leaves her there with a drink apparently. At least this time she has a friend in the unclaimed friend department.
Kyle and Teddi ditch Erika and head to the Berlin Zoo on their own because they’re getting a tour of the panda exhibit, and who is gonna miss pandas waiting on Erika Jayne’s glam?! Seen that a million times before, after all, but pandas are the real-deal rarity. Just as they’ve lost all hope Erika appears at the gates of the zoo, looking perfect, but claiming she has a terrible cold. No one really cares because PANDAS. Black, white, and untouchable all over so the women take photos through a glass window and wish they could smuggle one home in their purse (would it fit in a Birkin?), but nobody wants an international incident with China, now do they…?
Meanwhile Lisa Rinna gets massages and pedicures with Dorit Kemsley. All is well over there; no drama, no shade, no scuffles. Who are these women?!
Lisa Vanderpump left Berlin early and is back in LA to receive the Compassion Award from the LA Awareness Film Festival. From her dog rescue, she is petting puppies, covered in poo, and thinking she won’t have the ability to get through the awards ceremony without crying. Well she didn’t win a compassion award for nothing?! If you’ve four legs, a furry tail, and no compunction about getting poop on Chanel then she’s your gal. But seriously – does Lisa’s rescue only do puppies where are the old, ill, and infirm large dogs that are always at my local shelters?
For their last night in Berlin Erika has planned some sort of top-secret evening of the arts. Festivities begin on a boat, which naturally means a costume party. Teddi had no idea about such things, cause she doesn’t like shopping or any Real Housewife-ism in general, and asks Kyle to do her makeup. If you are turning to Kyle for fashion advice you really, really are in a bad way and therefore need an intervention. Hence why Teddi shows up to dinner wearing a sequined tunic when everyone else looks like a high-class hooker from a fantasy cult porn. Except Kyle who looks like the brothel madame from a Liza Minelli review.
Everyone is waiting in the lobby, wearing their lingerie as if they ran out during a fire drill and could only get half-dressed, and once again there is no Erika in sight. Even though they’re gonna literally miss the boat. Maybe that’s a sign? And once again no one can contact Erika so they ditch her, and right as they’ve given up hope of ever seeing her again, someone spots a bright red human condom in the distance. It’s just Erika, who was late because she was squeezing into latex which required baby powder, two gays on nipple straightness duty, and some oil. Um that sounds extremely unhygienic, but I guess the latex is a good barrier against germs. Which is probably why germaphobe Lipsa is willing to caress it. She probably also rubbed it down with Lysol gel.
According to Erika this is how one MUST dress in Berlin. Except none of the Berliners look like freak shows at the American Horror Story circus and they can all walk without squeaking like a puppy toy. Watch out or LVP might snatch you up and feed you to the baby wolves at her dog rescue!
Dorit is literally dressed like an Erika Jayne fangirl and their outfits, coincidentally, match. So Erika thinks – we all know – Dorit has been spying on her and bribing someone in Erika’s glam squad to leak vital information. So is Dorit Erika Jayne’s doppelgänger now? Well, how fun of Erika to be one with her people! Not to be outdone, Lipsa is wearing a blazer as a dress, topped by a pleather trench coat. She reveals that she has nothing on underneath but lingerie by whipping open the blazer and showing off the HarryHamlin zones. Lipsa really ought consider bringing her hustle to bachelor parties. She could leap out of a cake with that act! A new chapter for Rinnavation?
But, alas, there was NO drama on this boat. Lipsa decides it’s because LVP wasn’t among them.
The drama comes after the boat, because Erika likes to keep everyone on their generic Barbie Doll toes. She totters them down a dark alley, over cobblestones and pot holes, through a metal door cut into the side of a warehouse. The women realize their immediate gut reaction to never trust this half-woman/half-fembot was right as they fear for their lives and realize latex is an excellent barrier shield against any physical evidence of their demise, but then SURPRISE! They’re inside a top-secret fancy restaurant being led to a table by a man with Lloyd Christmas hair. Not exactly reassuring, but at least there is Aperol Spritz, and wine.
There is also unresolved issues over “pretend amnesia.” I mean really, wasn’t Erika just complaining about people ruining classy dinners with dirty drama? But alas, when the beet salad matches her outfit she takes that as a sign. Teddi is right there to remind Erika that immediately after she said “pretend amnesia” she apologized. She also pointed out that Erika’s reaction to her comment was way worse. I’m glad Teddi asserted herself to let Erika know hurt her feelings and was inappropriate.
Then, of course Dorit, a dog with a bone named Drama, has to involve herself by telling Erika that Teddi is afraid of her. This is music to Erika’s ears and she immediately softens her stance towards Teddi, because Erika confuses aggression for strength and compassion for politeness (or whatever that quote is), and likes being top dog. Especially without LVP for direct competition.
Teddi is unnerved by Erika, though, and why wouldn’t she? The woman is so against interaction with others she puts a latex top and 6 layers of makeup between herself and humanity! However, all’s well that ends well, and Erika actually apologizes for snapping at Teddi, so they leave as ‘friends-ish.’ Yay.
Back in LA Teddi ponders getting a horse before deciding that since accountability isn’t really a job, unless you’re a Real Housewife, and then it’s a full-time job, she should just let Edwin go ahead and get a Lambo instead.
Kyle leaves her mostfavoritehouseever for the last time to move into a new house that is her favoritehouseeverthistime, but not exactly good luck… Yes, I’m aware that Faye Resnick broke her moratorium to never re-appear on this show, but let’s not discuss that save to say Faye’s face was a normal-ish color and her outfit was cute, but what the hell was that bundle of pink fabric she saved to hang in Portia’s new room? It looked like deflated balloons leftover from a Golden Girl’s party.
Erika goes to NYC to perform in some Halloween event where she gyrates in a thong and pontificates at length about the power of art and how much she gives to us little peon people. Thank you Celine Dion for your wise and studied stance on being an entertainer. I never knew that dropping it like it’s hot meant so much to the masses. Just so you know, “It ain’t glamorous, man!” Also smoke machines 4 eva.
Dorit plans her Beverly Beach fashion show which involves a lot of squealing and complaining about how exhausted she is from working hard while directing her “team” on what work to get done. PK is right there by her side, every step of the way, always supportive. Cause what else has he to do?! #HousewifeInTraining
Then Kyle visits Lisa to check in on her compassion meter. Even though Kyle and Dorit had a chat in Berlin, and Kyle said she wanted to move past any issues so as not to ruin their friendship, and even though Kyle told both Dorit and Lisa she didn’t want to cause any problems between them, she was hiding her true feelings under a kaftan. In reality Kyle is pissed that Dorit is trying to not only cause problems between herself and LVP, trying to blame her for pantygate (YES WE ARE HERE AGAIN), and cause problems with Erika. And that is not kosher for Kyle, nor her kaftans, so she’s back to complaining to LVP about Dorit. *SIGH*
Lisa strongly encourages her to let it go, but Kyle cannot. She cannot. She cannot. She cannot. Actually she WILL not – there’s a distinction. So I’m really glad we’ve come full-circle in a ‘Doritoriffic makes no sense, are we even riding the same crazy train?’ way and are back to discussing Erika’s underwear. Somehow I think Erika likes it that way since she’s always reminding us that she wears it as outerwear – excuse me: performance wear. For the people. Who spend their hard-earned money to see her and deserve every little last piece of her. It’s called professionalism.
Also didn’t Kyle promise she was over it and agree with Dorit to just focus on their friendship without letting pettiness come between them?! Huh? Huh?
Kyle, a little panda once told me: what happens in Berlin while wearing latex, should stay in Berlin smothered in latex. Can Camille Grammer go out and buy another ballgag cause I think Kyle needs one too!
TELL US – SHOULD KYLE LET GO OF THE DRAMA WITH DORIT? WHO HAD THE BEST HOOKER COSTUME?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
