Does the Vanderpump Rules’ Scandoval have you in a chokehold? As much as I would like to try and pretend that it’s too much, I’m invested. Like how everyone compares not being able to turn away from a car crash or a train wreck. Scandoval is more like watching lightning bolt necklaces strike. But I’m standing outside, Benjamin Franklin-style, with a key and kite in one hand and a Pumptini in the other.
Naturally, fans are doing rewatches. I don’t know if we are all looking for easter eggs that Tom Sandoval was the worst (even though I accidentally found them in this episode). Some of us just miss the old days when this level of toxicity amongst a friend group was sort of tolerated for the sake of entertainment.
So, today I bring to you a Pump Rules classic episode from Season 4, where the gang heads to Hawaii to celebrate, what else? BIRTHDAYS. Only this time it wasn’t Stassi Schroeder’s. So there’s still drama to be had, but at least Stassi isn’t shouting that it’s her birthday and threatening to murder people.
The Gang’s All Not Here
It’s Jason Cauchi Jax Taylor and Sandoval’s birthday and the cast is in sunny Hawaii. But Sandoval has had it up to his overly-processed tips with ex-girlfriend, Kristen “Suck A D–k, Diana” Doute. As a show of support, Stassi stays behind with Kristen, her infamous backhand to Kristen’s face all but forgotten. Except for flashbacks of the incident, which the producers share gratuitously.
Lala Kent has entered the building. Or shall I say the hostess desk at SUR. So has James Kennedy, who is busing tables and waiting for his big break behind another table – the turn table. He’s a long way from being the “white Kanye [West]” but eventually, he will at least get himself into a broom closet turned DJ booth to drop some beats. Just not this season.
Both Lala and James have this flirtation going on. And by flirtation I mean Lala mauling James on the flight to Hawaii but drawing the line at joining the mile-high club. Oh, Lala, I could never stand you, but I at least enjoyed watching you toy with James, the newest Peter Pan on the block.
Jaxin’ Ain’t Easy
The VPR ladies, ever the tight-knit click, have fully accepted fan girl and recent Kentucky transplant, Brittany Cartwright. She has arrived fresh from her farm to be Jax’s live-in girlfriend, therefore, posing no threat to Katie Maloney, Scheana Shay or Ariana Madix. Brittany has her old boobs, a golly-gosh attitude and has yet to claw her way to being a SURver. So for now, she’s settled for Hooters, which she proudly served back in Kentucky. Can we fire off a 21 chicken wing salute for this clueless queen?
Unfortunately for Brittany, she has yet to learn that Jax enjoys lying. Like, reeeeeallllly enjoys it. Almost like it’s his thing. So after Brittany has caught wind that Jax has been flirting with Lala, Jax has plenty of time to think up a lie while Brittany ponders how she’s going to talk to Lala. He’s always one step ahead. This isn’t exactly hard given that Brittany is more naive than fans who thought Jax actually got a job as a social media manager for a hockey team in Florida. If that happens to be you, I have a bar to sell you in Weho.
But Jax is banking on the notion that Lala won’t reveal his mistruths. And he would be mistaken. While Lala initially doesn’t expose him when Brittany confronts her on a Sandoval-sponsored hike, she will get him later.
Nips Ahoy!
Speaking of the Sandoval hike, Lala is about to further alienate herself from the ladies of SUR when she decides to go topless while swimming in a water hole during their hike. A fact that really bites her in the nipple ass later. I personally don’t think it’s a big deal that Lala went topless in front of the guys. What I do think is that Lala enjoys being provocative and riling up the other girls. Wasn’t that why she was brought on the show? I’m going to guess it wasn’t for her yachting experience.
When Lala gets chided for having her boobs out and about, she informs everyone that she lives a very “European lifestyle.” I’ve never been to her home state of Utah but I’m sure it’s the Saint Tropez of the western United States.
While Katie takes issue with Lala being partially unclothed before a newly engaged man (Tom Schwartz), Jax is busy opining about how to get away with gawking. According to him, men have perfected the art of looking without being caught by their significant others. “That’s why sunglasses were invented,” he smirks in his confessional. Well, at least we now know why he stole a pair in next week’s episode. Tell me Jax, does the Sunglass Hut post bail?
Blue Skies…And Balls
Maybe one of the reasons Katie is so annoyed with Lala’s flashing is because her newly engaged man is upset they have yet to consummate their engagement. And is therefore pestering her nonstop. Huge turn-on, ammirite?
In lieu of not getting lei’d in Hawaii, Schwartz has taken to entertaining himself. No, not like that. While Katie sleeps peacefully thinking that her boobs are the only ones Schwartz has seen on this trip, he’s taking naked pics of himself on their hotel balcony. He eagerly shows her a picture of his stark white butt on display, just like that infamous Justin Beiber photo. Katie tries to hide her disgust. Same girl! Not only did Schwartz take the picture, but he posted it to Instagram. Which is the ultimate cringe for a person who is so good at supplying us with endless cringe.
But Schwartz has a guilty conscience too. Because….sigh…he saw Lala’s boobs. Christ on a cracker, again??? Raise your hand if you don’t give a flying pineapple about Lala’s boobs at this point. Schwartz tells Katie about what happened at the waterfall, clearly anticipating that Katie will find out and be mad because he had working eyes that day. Schwartz is playing chess, not checkers on this one. Tequila Katie isn’t exactly activated, but best believe she’s going to put Lala on blast about it later. Because Schwartz can literally show his whole ass to people on social media, but Lala’s fun bags can’t even feel the Hawaiian breeze. I mean, that’s obviously what she was doing – just airing the girls out.
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If Flat Irons Could Talk
Lala isn’t the only one airing things out on this trip. Scheana has some dirty laundry for us! Sandoval has discovered that the now former Mrs. Shay was texting Ariana’s mom about how much he sucks. And then he proceeds to show us just how much he sucks by trying to dazzle Ariana with his flat iron. You’re not reading that wrong, you guys. Here is the actual dialogue that I painstakingly transcribed and would humbly like submit to the History of Dumbest Quotes Ever Museum:
Sandoval, holding up his prized hair tool: “It gets up to 220 degrees Celsius, has a kill switch, sleep mode, and gets up to 190 in less than 10 seconds.“
Ariana, not even glancing up: “Cool story, bro.“
And scene! Listen, I am not going to kick Ariana while she is down. But maaaan, it is hard to watch this absolute dork get horny over something you can purchase from Sally Beauty Supply. This flat iron is getting more play than Schwartz at this point.
Flat iron aside, Sandoval is mad about Scheana’s interference in his relationship. And so is Ariana. I mean, I get it. No one wants their bestie texting their mom about how much of a dud their boyfriend is. But at this point, we need a moment of silence to mourn one of the earliest red flags that Ariana ignored.
Say what you want about Scheana, but she really tried to help her friend see the light. She told Mother Ariana that Sandoval was all about himself. And that he acts like he is better than everyone else, leading me to believe he also told Scheana about his flat iron.
But Scheana had Sandoval’s number from the start, so to speak. And it was 220 degrees Celsius. Is Scheana an oracle? Does her new tooth (RIP extracted gray tooth) give her special powers to see the future like Allison DuBois’ e-cigarette? We may never know. If that is the case, I would like to think that Scheana would go forth to use those powers for good. Like warning Lala that a Range Rover won’t be worth it in the end.
The Lyin’ King
After another long day of pretending to like each other, the gang goes out to a Tiki bar. Things quickly turn tense when Jax gets annoyed that James and Lala are making out in front of his face. Brittany is the epitome of “ignorance is bliss” as she sits beside him.
Unable to contain his annoyance at not being able to cheat on his girlfriend when he had the chance, Jax starts with James. The two circle each other metaphorically. In his confessional, Jax proclaims himself to be an alpha and the guffaw I let out was loud enough to wake up my dog. An alpha? On Lisa Vanderpump’s green earth? If we were talking about alphas in nature and I was a lioness and had to pick a mate, I would rather Mufasa myself into a stampede of wildebeests, as witnessed in the Rob Minkoff co-directed classic, The Lion King.
Being the alpha that he is, Jax can’t help but be alpha-level stupid and starts boasting about how invested he is in Brittany. Complete with saying how trustworthy he is. Lala can take no more and has to pull Brittany to the side and explain to her what it means to be born yesterday.
Lala details Jax’s indecent proposal and all Brittany can say is that she’s confused. Babe, that’s not confusion. It’s called denial and it’s not just a river in Egypt. Jax stands by, eager to discredit Lala with his web of lies. Spoiler alert – Brittany buys it. But we fans know better and lest we forgot, here come the producers to show us a flashback. Complete with subtitles of Jax telling Lala he wants to bang her. Oh, and telling her that he’s not really with Brittany. Oh, and that Brittany isn’t moving to L.A. So many lies, and so much footage.
When Brittany takes the side of the alpha male that’s gaslighting the eff out of her castmate, Lala is done. She knows that Brittany is a lost cause. All for a man whose life ambition a few seasons ago was to have his own line of chunky sweaters. Alpha Cardigans & Co., anyone?
But once Brittany knew she could hang up her Hooters tank top by hitching her wagon to a reality tv villain that her mom wants to bone, she couldn’t turn back. It might not be what dreams are made of, but Brittany is the type of gal who looks at a turd like Jax through rose-colored stolen sunglasses.
Hey, it could be worse. She could have ended up with Sandoval.
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[Photo Credit: Tommy Garcia/Bravo]
