Are you guys ready to saddle up and take a ride on the hot mess express? Good because that is what you can expect from the Vanderpump Rules Season 7 reunion. The cast of your guiltiest pleasure had major ups and downs during the season. The ups consisted of Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright getting engaged. The downs were watching Lala Kent suffering over the loss of her father and anything to do with Katie Maloney the constant ganging up on James Kennedy.
We saw Scheana Marie “single” for the first time ever, but somehow she managed to obsess over someone anyway. James’ girlfriend Raquel Leviss was an unnecessary target of the Witches of WeHo, mainly because she is pretty and thin… The poor thing didn’t really do anything to anyone. Kristen Doute was, god I don’t even know. Kristen, what in the fresh hell do you do every single day? Anystupidtshirtline, the reunion is going to treat us with three separate shows to wrap up Season 7.
If you haven’t seen the Season 7 trailer, head on over to Us Weekly and check it out. A lot happened during filming and it doesn’t look like any topic is avoided. Except for the one thing I would really like to see, which was Lala and Randall Emmett falling victim to the now infamous Fofty Cent.
At the reunion, we’ll see Stassi Schroeder, and her boobs. Katie and whatever unfortunate frock she puts on. Brittany, who apparently killed a disco ball for her dress (#restinpowerdiscoball), and of course Ariana Madix (crickets). Raquel makes an appearance in what I’m assuming is couture. But, it looks like some kind of alien space fairy situation.
One of the main things discussed was the untimely deaths of three cast members’ relatives. Jax now identifies as a “changed man” after he lost his dad.He is on a path to greatness in his father’s memory. He really gets into it with James. At one point, he leaves his seat to confront James in what looks like a potential physical altercation. Thank goodness pillar of strength, Andy Cohen, puts himself smack dab in the middle so Jax couldn’t turn James into a bloody spot on the wall.
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“You want to talk about my dad?” Jax yells at James in the clip. “You and your stupid f–king girlfriend are useless!” This from the guy who is getting ready to be married in a “Kentucky castle”. I actually like Jax but there would be no clear winner if Brittany and Raquel battled over brain cells. I mean, Jax could screw a girl in a Macy’s storefront window and Brittany would stay with him because, television.
We also hear from Lisa Vanderpump on her brother’s passing, which makes her emotional. “I have feelings too, and I didn’t do well this year,” she says through tears. She then takes a moment to leave the set.
We are gifted with an angry Brittany during the trailer – not trailer park, reunion trailer. She lashes out at Tom Sandoval who apparently makes a comment about Jax’s mother not being invited to the beer cheese wedding. Brittany and her eyebrows screamed, “Tom, you’re his best man, stop!” She barely got that mad when she found out her beloved cheated on her with a thirsty waitress.
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At one point, the Kentucky native yells again, but it’s unclear who she is angry with: “I don’t care! I don’t care! She’s talking about my family! At least I’m not a s–t person like you are.” Bless your heart, Brittany. She’s the only person who can turn “care” into a two-syllable word.
Lala is seen pulling up to the taping in an incredibly expensive luxury sports car that I’m sure she paid for herself. She continues to yell at Raquel because her storyline was about as interesting as the floor my feet are resting on right now. But now that she’s sober, I feel confident we won’t see her flying off the handle or putting her finger in anyone’s face.
Oh look, I’m wrong… Raquel admits she feels no support from Lala, who responded with, “Just because you have a vagina doesn’t mean I’m going to support you.” QUIET EVERYONE, A FEMINIST IS SPEAKING.
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Looks like Tom 1 and the she beast Katie get into it as well. Tom will go down in history as the only person alive to ever speak the truth to Katie. Tom Schwartz can’t do it because he is a victim of Stockholm syndrome. In true Schwartzy fashion, he is defending Katie because he literally has to to survive. Tom 1 states facts with, “You area f-ing hypocrite,” to Katie. It is safe to assume this is when the topic of James’ firing from SUR comes up. Both Katie and Lala find it easier to cocoon themselves under the guise of the #metoo movement or women’s rights when their knowledge on either subject probably comes from what they read on magazine covers at the grocery store.
Speaking of Katie, she once again tries to confront Kristen on her relationship with Brian Carter. Hang on a second, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Sorry, y’all know how I get sometimes. Katie giving anyone advice on a romantic relationship is beyond hilarious. Apparently, this causes some tension between the three witches.
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Before the kids get on set, Stassi is pulling from a bottle of the whine, omg sorry, the wine she launched with Kristen and Katie. The only thing they do sober is sleep. Her boyfriend Beau Clark shows up and can hopefully avoid crying during his segment. I like Beau though, he might be checking himself into a mental institution after knowing these people.
Beau mentioned after he began dating Stassi, he watched the pilot episode of Vanderpump Rules. Jax asks, “That didn’t scare you?” Beau suddenly looks like he’s leaving a movie theater after a gruesome horror movie and replies, “F-ck yeah it did.”
Ugh, looks like we are treated to Scheana’s sex life stories again. I will get up and arm myself with some anti-nausea medication prior to watching it on television for the 938th time. Between Scheana and Lala, they could form a dumb twat club an educational service on what not to discuss in public. We get it, you both have sex. You both have massive amounts of Botox as well.
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It appears we have an epic show coming our way. Nothing like reliving bad memories and horrible mistakes! This is why we watch, Vanderpump Rules, after all. I’ll be tuning in next Tuesday night and I hope you will too.
TELL US- ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO THE THREE-PART REUNION? WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON THE TRAILER?
[Photo Credit: Tommy Garcia/Bravo]
