Lord this season of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills is making me reach for the CBD oil faster than Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave can turn on a friend and spin on a bike!
It all ends badly, but we start out lovely by watching Denise Richards and Aaron Phypers open their wedding presents. I wished we could’ve seen them unwrap the tequila from Dorit Kemsley, but alas Dorit probably ‘conveniently forgot’ the wedding gift, just like she conveniently forgets to tell her so-called close friend that she gave her dog away to a woman she kinda knows, or doesn’t know, or is an associate of PK’s or is you know, a shelter named A Very Lovely Random Woman.
Then it’s off to spin lies and talk about … TABLOIDS. Yes, we have a new layer to the never-ending Lucy drama. Now all anyone can talk about is how Dorit’s reputation is destroyed and we know it is Lisa Vanderpump who planted the story because of all Vanderpump buzz words like “creatures” and “nipped.” Psst: Dorit – isn’t it convenient that you’re soooo upset about this dog story in the press, but not the tales of your unpaid bills???? Wasn’t that on Page Six at the same exact time??? Is it worse to have PETA on your case or the SEC?
Dorit is no innocent victim. She’s the Teresa Giudice of the West Coast!
Without any evidence or investigation, Teddi and Dorit are convinced LVP is behind the story. Maybe Teddi is confusing the towel on her head for a turban which gives her psychic powers to see into LVP’s brain?
Despite all the tension with LVP, months ago Teddi agreed to do a charity spin class to raise money for Vanderpump Dogs. Being accountable and all she’s honoring her commitment, so all the other women also show up. Even Erika Girardi (wearing full face makeup). But guess who doesn’t show up? LVP! Not even, John Blizzard who is now afraid to associate with Teddi!
Teddi decides the Johns didn’t show up because, “[LVP] lying to my face is one thing; her forcing her staff to do so is another.” Which pretty much confirms there was a planned confrontation at the spin class that never got to happen!
What’s really spinning is not exercise bikes, but gossip. Lisa Rinna predictably strikes first by immediately mentioning the article with a, “We know who leaked that!” I thought Lipsa was SOOO tired of hearing about this dog situation and would be happy never to mention it again? Dorit is barely able to hold herself together as she weeps for her lost friendship, yet she still manages SPINNING FOR PUPPIES. Only because Dorit thinks this proves she’s not a dog abandon-er!
Denise has no idea she’s only allowed to discuss the dog, so she goes ahead and complains that spinning sucks. “I do pilates, but that’s very different than getting on a goddamn bicycle.” Shouldn’t riding Aaron like 16 times a day have prepared her?
After they all work themselves into a lather for charity Teddi makes a speech congratulating herself for showing up to the event.
Suddenly they’re all in heels for a post-spin lunch. Every time Dorit wears a Beverly Beach hat, a pair of implants deflates with disappointment that she didn’t pay for their supportive bikini top. Instead, she took the money and literally ran across the pool deck from creditors! How gauche.
Lunch is spent nitpicking and dissecting every word of a trashy article as if they are college professors assessing a dissertation. Doctorate of Denial? Lipsa, a 30+ year hustler of the industry who never tires of telling us how to resuscitate a career, actually tells us she was taught by LVP how to leak a story on your behalf and who to call. They go way over the top with their examples of how manipulative LVP is, as if they believe doubling down will convince everyone.
Kyle Richards first brings up Vanderpump Dogs and throws LVP under the bus by mentioning that she scheduled another Vanderpump Dogs event at the same time – which she had the audacity to invite Kyle to, but none of the other ladies! That’s Kyle’s way of saying ‘See, I win the friend award, even though I don’t want the prize.’
And yes, that was devious as hell of LVP, and bad form! Worse form than a Miniature Horse terrorizing a Pomeranian around the dinner table while you’re trying to entertain the ex-wife of a former A-list celebrity. We all knew LVP wasn’t getting on a bike. Especially one that wasn’t white, with a pink satin seat and suede handlebars, covered in roses and rhinestones, but to be a no-call/no-show at an event to raise money for your organization, then host a competing event which you don’t invite the women to? That’s what really got Dorit spun-up over lunch, btw, because suddenly Kyle is winning the friend-off!
The funniest thing is when highfalutin’ Dorit becomes incensed at Kyle’s suggestion that she call LVP to ask about the article. In a very put on accent Dorit declares that she REfuses to contact her “sabotager,” and Erika interjects that the correct word is “saboteur.” Dorit, without missing a beat, just starts crying about how she is the victim and won’t be bullied when she’s done nothing wrong! Of course, all the women present agree this is the case.
Erika calls Lisa’s behavior “indefensible.” Indefensible like dropping your ‘beloved’ family pet off at a shelter, lying about it, then becoming extremely agitated when anyone DARES question you? Or like stealing from your business partners?
LVP is not innocent. She has done shady shit. Season after season I’ve said she should admit her ulterior motives, apologize, and move on. Owning anything – something – goes a long way in fending off the wolves. HOWEVER, all of these women (except Denise so far) are also shady! And basing their wrath and animosity towards Lisa on an assumption. Teddi’s “proof” is some text messages from a 22-year-old employee, who never actually implicated Lisa or Ken Todd. Furthermore, Teddi is OBSCURING the fact that her brother, Hud, worked at TomTom and is currently dating an employee of Vanderpump Pets named Hannah.
EVERYONE is lying here. Dorit is lying about, well, everything – there was no nice woman, there was no Dorit just being Dorit, not realizing the ramifications of her actions. She is not a victim! Teddi is lying about what she knew, who she knew it from, and what her end game is. She either doesn’t want to admit she was manipulated by a VPD staff member or doesn’t realize she’s being manipulated by Kyle’s thirst trap of a clutch bag. Kyle is lying about being LVP’s friend and having sincere intentions. LVP is lying by pretending she didn’t want the Lucy story out there and acting completely surprised when Sessa whipped out Lucy while Teddi and Kyle were at Vanderpump Dogs.
Lipsa and Erika want drama for the show and a chance to topple the indomitable LVP (just as Kyle does) so they can all start squabbling for the crown. They don’t give one whit about Dorit or Teddi, who are entirely disposable. Teddi is a pawn of everyone, from the dog employees to her so-called friends. Like Ken later says, it is a gang up.
Denise doesn’t appear to be lying because her head is so far up Aaron’s love currents she thinks Lucy is an iguana Lipsa took yoga with.
So it is Denise, the Wizard of Odd, who tells Dorit that if she has so many great things in her life, why is she so wrapped up in this dog drama? Because um, Dorit, doesn’t have so many great things in her life! Dorit responds by amping up the accent about how she was ONNNNLY thinking of her CHILLLLDREN. “This article has exposed me and my family,” she bemoans in a scratchy fake cry voice, ‘forgetting’ that her financial transgressions are public knowledge
For counterbalance, the amazing shady editors show us snippet of stories that have been out about Denise. Like Charlie calling her an “evil terrorist”, etc.
I personally believe it was PK/Dorit who leaked the story, trying to distract from their financial messes. Or production. The true “sabotager” of your life, Dorit, is your shopping addiction and image obsession.
LVP missed spinning for a good reason: to witness Resolution 401 being passed, and of course, they have a congressman with an amazing anti-aging routine representing them. Only in BH! But no good deed goes unpunished because the other women spent the remainder of lunch badgering Kyle into admitting that possibly, there is a likely possibility that yes, LVP could be perhaps responsible, I mean it wouldn’t insanely out of the question… “Kyle struggles with doing the right thing and doing what Lisa Vanderpump wants her to do,” opines Lipsa, who notes they have a “weird relationship.” Well, I’ll agree with Lipsa there!
Meanwhile back at Vanderpump Pets, The Johns need Dorinda Medley‘s CLIP, because they are messier than a used puppy pad. Especially when John Sessa complains that the women didn’t come to the center following spinning.
Next Kyle pays a visit to her friend Sharon, who happens to live in Teddi’s neighborhood. Ostensibly Kyle is there because Sharon is a jeweler and Kyle wants her mom’s cocktail rings recreated, but guess what… almost immediately they start talking about THE DOG DRAMA. The latest being that Lisa was on TMZ defending about Dorit.
Kyle and Teddi think LVP was using this to exonerate herself from the first tabloid leak because she hasn’t said one word to Dorit since the Radar story leaked. “To think of what Dorit’s going through, and the repercussions…” worries Kyle. I guess she forgot LVP recently lost her brother?
Teddi is so stressed out by the depths of LVP’s deceit she’s up all night with anxiety. Time for another hike with your Roving Enabler Therapist!
Over at Lipsa’s, Harry Hamlin finally returns. He’s been living in the middle of nowhere, with no cell service, eating regurgitated beans. Obviously, the first thing on Lipsa’s lips – other than Denise’s wedding is – DOG DRAMA. Harry suggests that someone is using the dog drama as propaganda to drive a wedge in the group. A person, like, say KYLE, who continuously mentions DogGate at every opportunity? Or “Lisa VanderTRUMP,” Lipsa claps.
Finally, Kyle is manipulated by Teddi and the others into confronting LVP, so she drives to Villa Rosa even though the Security Swans scare the satan into her.
Kyle knows she’s walking into a friendship death. Kyle knows, we know, the swans know … The dogs were howling and the horses were spooked sensing her arrival. And if LVP had a cat (does she?) it’s hair would be standing on end. But one person who seemingly suspects nothing is LVP. None of these animalistic senses seem to be rubbing off on her despite the incessant exposure to more primal creatures!
I cannot with Kyle’s Where In the World is Carmen San Diego hat, and the clashing pink purse… By the time she reaches Lisa’s house Kyle has worked her way into a tizzy. Kyle doesn’t want to believe Lisa would leak stories about her friends, but she’s confident she did, and is now hoping Lisa will admit it. Lisa seems genuinely angry, and Kyle seems genuinely shocked that it’s gotten to this point. Over a dog. And Dorit.
The problem is that LVP has been accused of manipulating for so long, and has forced her hand along the edges of situations for so long, that it’s almost impossible to believe she isn’t somehow involved. Lisa feels that swearing on Giggy’s life should be enough for Kyle to believe her innocence, over the pack mentality of the other women, who actually believe Lisa sold the story to Radar, then went to TMZ to refute the story to make herself look innocent.
Has Radar Online raked in the advertising dollars from RHOBH exposure!? I hope they’re sending Dorit and PK LVP the cast a big, old fat thank you note!
Finally, Lisa just throws Kyle out, “I think I’ve taken enough crap from Kyle Richards,” she snaps, walking away as Kyle accuses Lisa of caring more about her image than her friendships. But that is the problem with EVERYONE on this show. That is literally WHY they’re mad at LVP – because image is more important than the shitty thing she did to a person who’s supposed to be her good friend!
Kyle refuses to leave so Ken shuffles in, holding a dog which he’s probably prepared to throw onto Kyle, like a Pokemon. It will then morph into a Wolf with superpowers and start shooting hot pink attack diamonds out of its eyes which blind the intended victim with a thousand rays of radioactive sparkle. That’s what I would do anyway if I were a Vanderpump with the powers to manipulate any and all things with the flick of my manicured hand.
Ken is livid and certainly went too far with his Lala Kent finger by pointing and screaming in Kyle’s face. Although I am all for a man defending his wife! Feminism be damned, that is hottt! (Even from a 70-year-old), and Ken’s point was salient: Kyle is NOT Lisa’s friend. Kyle is always looking for a reason to call Lisa out or find something Lisa is doing wrong.
Kyle won’t budge on her point, so Ken terminates their friendship and also kicks her out, but she still won’t go! Finally, LVP comes to collect Ken, and they leave Kyle standing in the kitchen before she finally shuffles across the bridge praying the attack swans are just too disgusted to care.
I would feel a teensy bit bad for Kyle, and I might believe she went there in good faith if she hadn’t been the one bringing up the dog story every. single. second… Like a walking tabloid!
Ken bellowing “GOOOOODYBEEEEE Kyle” should become the anthem of Las Angeles County!
TELL US – WERE LISA AND KEN TOO HARSH TOWARDS KYLE? DID LISA LEAK THE TABLOID STORY? WHO DO YOU THINK DID?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
