Mother Debbie was in NYC filming 90 Day Live this weekend. The care and feeding of Colt was left to Larissa. As it turns out, things did not go well (more on that news later in the 90 Day Fiance recap). Meanwhile on last night’s 90 Day Fiance, we were presented with information about Colt’s bedroom behavior that we can never un-hear, and visions of the hellscape of Eric’s apartment that we can never un-see. So, let’s do a wellness check. My fellow viewers, are you still with us? Are you okay?
I personally also need Asuelu to blink twice if he needs help. Because this dude is surrounded by enemies, yo! This week, Kalani tells us that Asuelu is “trying to do the dad thing,” which he also demonstrates by taking baby Oliver to the park. Kalani is naturally nervous to see Asuelu interact with the baby. This is especially true he tries to push him in a swing that’s too big for him. She’s not used to sharing parenting duties – or the compromises that come with them.
We learn that Kalani plans to take Asuelu and Oliver to Kalani’s family’s second home in Utah, where they’ll apparently live rent-free until they can get on their feet. Kalani quit her job and spent all of her money on the K1 Visa process, and Asuelu can’t legally work yet. So…good plan? Now it’s becoming clear why the family is losing their minds over this situation.
Kalani’s parents will be staying with them in Utah for the first two weeks, and her brother will live permanently with them. HUH? Methinks Kalani is in constant need of an official “handler” and Brother Kalani is next in line for the role. Asuelu just hopes Kalani can keep her hands off of him during her parents’ visit. Allegedly, she can’t get enough of Asuelu’s hot bod. “Because I’m sexy moves!” he says. Ahem, as witnessed at the airport.
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Before they leave for Utah, Kalani invites Sister Kolini over in one final attempt to make peace. Over a plate of charcuterie and red wine – which Asuelu NO LIKEY – Kolini straight up asks if he cheated on Kalani? Asuelu explains that he saw other women when Kalani went back to the States the first time because they weren’t committed. In fact, Kalani even told him “I don’t like brown men, only white men.” WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. HELL.
But when Kalani returned to Samoa (with news of her pregnancy?), they decided to commit, and Asuelu swears he’s been faithful ever since. Kolini decides to believe him, warning Asuelu that he’s on probation with the family and better not step out of line. Um, excuse us? Where is the outrage for Kalani acting like a world class asshole to Asuelu about not liking “brown people”???? I CANNOT WITH THIS FAMILY. #FreeAsuelu
Sigh. These two sweet kids are like lost (pregnant) puppies, and I don’t know whether to give them a hug or punish them for peeing on the carpet. Sure, they’ve made mistakes. But they’re just so earnest! Anyway, it’s time for Olga to head to the hospital. She’s having contractions and is officially in labor. Steven is still not allowed in the birthing room – or any room – with her, which raises his anxiety to about 1,000.
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After Olga tells him he must go home and return the next morning to ask for written permission from a hospital director, Steven reluctantly agrees. He also points out that the hospital is scary as f**k, a sentiment with which I fully concur. These night time shots of the atmosphere say less “Welcome, new mothers and sick persons in need to medical attention!” than “Welcome to American Horror Story: Asylum!”
The next morning, Steven navigates the 6-hour red tape required to allow him in the room, and is relieved to learn that Olga hasn’t given birth to their son yet. Then – more unexpected news! The doctor says Olga won’t be able to deliver her large baby naturally, needing a C-section instead. She and Steven seem too stunned to fully process what’s happening as she’s wheeled into the OR, and Steven is left behind once again. Will he be allowed in there? Previews suggest he might be, but we’ll have to wait to see.
Top news item: It’s cold in PA, and Jay successfully purchased a coat. Truly, Ashley and Jay seem to be thrilled living together, and she even throws him a sweet surprise party to welcome him to the U.S. Only one hitch: it’s hosted by Ashley’s friend, Natalie, who hates Jay with every fiber of her being. So, let’s twerk!
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At the party, Jay thanks everyone for showing him mad love, but is quickly deflated when Natalie pulls him out on the back porch for a verbal ass whooping. He asks her why she told Ashley he cheated on her in Jamaica? Natalie intimates that she “knows the truth!” and will not be letting it go. Jay never come right out and denies cheating (and neither does Ashley, which is veeeeerrrrrry interesting), but he does maintain that his relationship is FINE now, so leave it alone.
The next morning, Ashley and Jay talk about the problem of Natalie. She’s not going to let this cheating thing go, even if they have. So a decision must be made. And just a few days later, we learn that is has – in the form of Ashley cutting Natalie right out of her wedding and her life! OMG. Later on at a bridal shop with her remaining bridesmaids, Ashley cooley remarks that they won’t be needing that 5th bridesmaid dress after all. Natalie is dead to her!
The other bridesmaids, who incidentally, have been waiting patiently on deck throughout Ashley’s multiple engagements and wedding plans over the years, cower in fear of their own necks being slashed soon. They’re all, YEAH, WE SUPPORT YOU AND JAY 100%!!!! as they sip their champagne with shaking hands. Dude…Ashley don’t play. And I kind of love her for it.
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Since Fernanda has been stuck in a dirty ranch with no friends for a week, Jonathan decides to reward his bride to be with a quick trip to Myrtle Beach. Fernanda is thrilled, even if the beach doesn’t compare to what she has back home, and is excited to go clubbing with Jonathan later that night. Jonathan doesn’t even care that it takes Fernanda 17 hours to get ready, he’s so enamored with a woman of her caliber being draped on his arm in front of Myrtle Beach’s finest.
At the club, all does not go well. Since she can’t legally drink in the States, Fernanda has to sip Sprite while Jonathan gets increasingly sh*tfaced and sloppy. But it’s when she heads to the bathroom that all hell breaks loose. Here’s the short version of events: A blonde chick dances up on drunk Jonathan, who tries to tell her “I can’t dance with you, I’m engaged,” but blonde chick doesn’t understand. When Fernanda sees blondie grinding away on her man, she goes NUTS – something Jonathan claims Fernanda does regularly at clubs when she’s jealous.
Fernanda storms out, screams at Jonathan to give her the keys, then runs off while he drunkenly (and unsuccessfully) calls after her. COME BACK, FER! Cue Abba…Can you hear the douche, Fernanda?
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At the car, Jonathan tries to explain himself – he wasn’t trying to hit on that crazy woman! But Fernanda is incensed, wondering why she’s even in America. Does he want to marry her? Is he really committed? She’s alone here and feeling insecure. I mean, her first week in the U.S. has been laced with crusty thongs and sweaty women grinding on her man, so….I get it. Now all Jonathan can do is hope to calm her down before they’re arrested for public disturbance in this parking lot. *cue the police sirens*
Alright, we have to address this. The off-camera real time drama that’s going on with Colt and Larissa right now supersedes anything on the show. To recap: Larissa posted videos on Instagram this weekend of a trashed house (shelves overturned, flowers on the floor) and claimed Colt did it in a fit of rage. Then she claimed Colt disabled her phone and she was frightened. Police were called to the house, initially handcuffing Colt, then arresting only Larissa on domestic violence charges.
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Later on, Colt posted on IG that Larissa suffers from “severe anxiety and depression” and was essentially freaking out over nothing – although she’d claimed she was upset because many women were messaging Colt and he loved the attention. Larissa also alleged that Colt tried to keep her “hidden,” even intimating that they pretended to be fighting because it “got him more attention from women.” In the end, Colt explained that when a domestic disturbance call is made in Nevada, someone must be arrested, and that person ended up being Larissa. But it’s unclear what THE ACTUAL STORY is here. Suffice to say, it’s a sh*tshow of epic proportions. (Meanwhile, Mother Debbie was/is is NYC for her 90 Day Live appearance, posting messages on social media asking people to “leave them alone” and back off. HOLY SH*TBALLS!!!)
Okay, now on to the show…
While Colt is at work, Debbie and Larissa venture out in the unairconditioned car to go couch shopping. Only one hitch: Larissa isn’t allowed to make any decisions without Colt. And – prepare thyselves: Colt and Mother Colt SHARE A BANK ACCOUNT AND A CREDIT CARD. Thus, we learn how deep the dysfunction of this Norman Bates scenario goes. Colt and his mom “have had their thing going for quite some time” and don’t plan on changing it on account of a small nuisance like a WIFE coming into the picture. Naturally, Larissa is disturbed.
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When they pick Colt up from work, Debbie rats Larissa out immediately. She wanted to buy a couch without you! she tattles. Colt flatly responds that MOTHER is right, and Larissa essentially needs to obey their every command. Larissa, who doesn’t even warrant $20 flowers at the airport, is obviously annoyed, but also outgunned. She snarks that, FINE, she’ll obey the rules. What other choice does she have with this power couple? You know, there’s a lot of #TeamColt peeps out there, and I get it, but for me it comes down to a lack of respect for your new life partner. Colt needs to man up and talk about finances with Larissa, not preach his rules (with mom as his sidekick) at her. He’s a perpetual man-child, and both mommy and Colt like it that way. GROSS.
But grosser still? The conversation Colt and Larissa have with Colt’s cousin and wife at their house later. Indeed, we heard things we can never unhear, people. We conjured up images that need to be forever bleached from our brains. Yes, it happened: Larissa commented on Colt-tee’s “high sex drive.” <dry heave> <gag> <rocks in corner> <sucks thumb> I WILL NEVER RECOVER FROM THIS MOMENT.
Also, Cousin Colt thinks Colt is royally screwed with this chick because, in his estimation, she’s just a gold digger. He pulls no punches in asking Larissa the uncomfortable questions that all 90DF side characters ask, but in the end, Colt just shrugs his concerns off. He plans to keep this woman around, if only to torture her a bit more before resuming his primary relationship with MOTHER. For her part, Larissa thinks Cousin Colt is a rude P.O.S. – and she’s not wrong about that.
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Oh god, the depressing sh*tshow of Eric’s mid-life crisis continues! After Eric forces Leida’s family to spend the night at the rented “cabin” in PA (where everyone sees evidence of just how disturbed Alessandro is by Eric’s presence), he drives the whole crew across the damn country on the saddest expedition ever known to man. As they drive, Leida hears her family commenting on Eric. “They say you look older than your age,” she laughs at him. To this I say, THANK YOU FAMILY LEIDA. We are in full agreement on this matter.
Once in Baraboo, Eric tells us he’s rented an apartment for Leida’s family: 1) because there is no room for them at his hideous pigsty, and 2) because he wants to keep them away from said pigsty AT ALL COSTS. Before taking Leida over to view the brutal nightmare that awaits her, Eric’s family (including his ex-wife) are awkwardly assembled at the rented apartment to welcome Leida’s family to the country. Oh lordt! The scene is just as painful as the following screen grab reveals…
Leida’s father and sister, Reina, ask if Eric plans to support Leida’s quest to practice medicine in the U.S. Um…sure he does! Right after he successfully masters the basics of life like brushing his own damn hair, using a broom, and laundering his clothes – all feats which seem to have eluded him heretofore. Hmm. At least we’re getting a sense of Leida’s master plan though, right? She just needs U.S. residence to become a doctor. She says it’s a profession that doesn’t pay much in Indonesia but will guarantee her a comfortable life here.
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Here’s something else that doesn’t guarantee her a comfortable life: DWELLING IN ERIC’S STANK ASS HOVEL. She learns this immediately upon being whisked away to the apartment, which is completely trashed and likely smells like a foot. Loser that he is, Eric blames the entire scene on his daughter. But the catastrophe within is only part of it. We ALL know Eric lives like this all day, every day, and Leida will quickly come to find out that living without butlers/maids/chauffeurs is the least of her friggin’ worries now. Basically, she just needs to avoid head lice and chiggers.
To fully understand this gruesome scene, let’s review the procession of reveals, as experienced in the actual horror movie. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Eric’s apartment, a nightmare in five frames:
Leida cries on the porch after the tour, straight up telling Eric that her family is going to pulll a Not Without My Daughter move and haul her ass back to Indonesia if they witness this place. Eric brushes Leida’s concerns off, shrugging and telling her she’s just “making a mountain out of a molehill.” Given what a colossal pain in the rear this woman is, the panic in Leida’s eyes is somewhat satisfying, but DAYUM! No one deserves this fate.
Writer’s Note: Check out my podcast Pink Shade With Erin Martin for more Reality TV talk (Housewives, 90 Day Fiance, Exclusive Interviews & more!). Available on Acast, Stitcher, & iTunes! Visit pinkshadewitherinmartin.com for all links.
TELL US: WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL IS GOING ON WITH LARISSA & COLT? WILL LEIDA’S FAMILY TAKE HER BACK TO INDONESIA? CAN KALANI’S FAMILY EVER ACCEPT ASUELU?
[Photo Credit: TLC]
