What do you get when you mix jailbird cabaret with speed dating with mothballs? The Real Housewives of New York, of course, which is still hitting it out of the park every week this season. I don’t know whether it was Luann de Lesseps singing in her classic Tony Bennet baritone in front of a penthouse piano, Sonja Morgan touting her cabarlesque (no spellcheck can help us here, folks) skills to actual, legitimate Broadway heavyweights, or Ramona Singer attempting to robotically flirt with/stalk men in scarves. But there was a Hangover meets Laurel & Hardy vibe to this week’s episode, which is a welcome gift after last week’s dry spell on Bravo.
Okay, let’s do this. We start with Ben Rimalower and Billy Stritch walking Luann through her talking-while-singing-while-snapping version of “Money Can’t Buy You Class.” Luann is taking her upcoming cabaret show #CountessAndFriends very seriously – so seriously, in fact, that she’s bringing Sonja in on the act. Because when you think, “I need this act to be classed up a little bit” you naturally think of the woman who lounges in her own filthy bed surrounded by plastic tarps as she sniffs yesterday’s underwear. Enter: Lady Morgan.
When Sonja arrives, she immediately starts bragging about her lengthy experience in improv and stripping, or um, “caberlesque.” Ben and Billy are delighted by Sonja’s quirkiness, but Luann just hopes her friend doesn’t strip on stage. Ah, but don’t we already know she will? So yeah, Luann can only hope Sonja wears underwear. “I can only hope this show will be a snatch-free zone,” she says.
Over at Carole Radziwill’s apartment, Tinsley Mortimer stops by to admire the two dozen tulips Adam sent her. Carole loves the attention, but claims she doesn’t want to get back with the man she wouldn’t let live with her, call her his girlfriend or have shared custody of pets with. So basically, Adam is allegedly stalking Carole so he can NOT be in a relationship with her again? “I’m very busy being busy,” says Carole, who literally does nothing all day every day.
Tinsley is planning on moving to a larger penthouse suite in her hotel so that Scott can stay with her when he’s in town. Carole encourages Tinsley to keep it “frisky, but cute,” which is basically the same advice cat photographers give their clients. As they giggle, Carole gets another flower delivery. This time it’s red roses from Rori Sassoon, relationship expert and CEO of the elite matchmaking service Platinum Poire, who wants national TV exposure the RHONY ladies to join her in a speed dating event. Almost everyone is single(ish), so why not!
At Bethenny Frankel’s pad, Sonja stops by and is accosted immediately with a gift of red Skinnygirl jeans. She’s told that these “are one notch bigger” than samples sizes, so she’s in luck! And insulted! But free is free, and Lady Morgan does not turn up her nose at anything that costs zero American dollars.
Sonja also does not turn her nose up at dating anyone and anything that moves, but Bethenny wants her to clean up her online dating profile. So far, the profile reads like a Mad Libs of Sonja’s fever dreams 2005-present. “Film producer, toaster oven chef, Nigerian football team owner, procurer of brown ice!” Like Ragu, it’s all in there. Bethenny cracks up reading it, then gives Sonja a slap on her bared ass for good measure. BAD GIRL! Now go write a non-Ambien inspired profile! Sonja knows she’s a hot mess, we know she’s a hot mess. And I simultaneously want her to never change and change all at the same time. I JUST CAN’T QUIT THIS CRAZY BROAD!
Dorinda Medley is out looking at gowns with Luann at Jovani. Lu needs at least ten costume changes for the show, and Dorinda says her “connections” to Jovani come in handy for the occasion. After Luann tries on a series of jazz-club-fabulous gowns, she tells Dorinda her court case is canceled to further review the evidence. She claims she never had criminal intent, and took the initiative to go to rehab, so she (and her very good lawyer) are hoping the charges are reduced from felony to misdemeanor. Ah, privilege! How handy you are.
Speaking of extreme privilege, let’s get a little more extreme over at Tinsley’s! It’s moving day, which means it’s time for Tins to throw her designer shoes in boxes and haul her sweaters out of the oven. While Tinsley’s friend watches her manhandle $2k footwear as if it were sacks of day-old bagels, he has to turn his head away in horror. But we all witness Tinsley bringing her dog – IN ITS STROLLER – into her new ah-maaaaaaazing penthouse. No word on who’s footing this bill, but until further notice, let’s go ahead and cut to a Coupon Cabin commercial, shall we? Ahem.
After Luann’s AA meeting, she meets Carole out for coffee to talk about what she’s learning in recovers. “You’re supposed to stay away from people, places, and things,” says Lu. “And I guess, drugs?” Mmmmmkay. Well Luann, keep coming back! She admits she has a lot to learn, but for now, she’s not labeling herself. And she thinks being sober is exhausting. I mean, she’s actually up and moving during many of the daylight hours now! It’s just too much. At least Carole likes the new Luann, even if Luann doesn’t yet.
Ramona is working out with her trainer and talking about her love life. Short story: It’s still a closed book. Ramona thinks she’s a world class flirter, but no one “special” is in her life right now. Ramona wants someone “as smart or smarter” than her, which narrows the field down to roughly 50% of the population, i.e., ALL MEN ON EARTH.
The next day, Dorinda and Luann take a walk and discuss good, clean fun like AA and church. Luann says the hardest part of staying sober so far has been going to restaurants. Dorinda can sympathize, except that her house is her bar, and she’ll happily take all of Luann’s extra booze if she’s looking to throw it away! Dorinda and Luann head into Dorinda’s church to light a candle in commemoration of Luann hitting 30 days sober, which is very sweet and something Lu seems to genuinely appreciate. Aww. I HEART THIS. <3
Cut to speed dating! As Carole mills around the room half-explaining what the hell is going on, Ramona stomps in ready to get a “head jump” or a “jump head” on the competition. Her romance game includes asking gentlemen, “What nationality are you?” while Sonja works the other end of the bar asking her paramours, “Do I smell like mothballs? Are you sure? Because this is an old outfit!” OH MY GOD THESE TWO NUTBAGS ARE EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW. I am deceased. Do we even need to see anything more? Okay, yes. Yes, we do.
Bethenny enters the clusterf**k, hoping to score too. She loves Dennis, but she’s open to dating because apparently, Dennis isn’t “able to be a partner” right now. Hmm. When Bethenny sees the red-scarfed gentlemen that Ramona was practically peeing all over flirting with earlier (Brian), she recognizes him from a party in Miami where they originally met. OH, they briefly dated afterward too, it seems. They had one lunch together, says Bethenny, and sort of lost touch since then.
As speed dating commences, Ramona scores a one on one with Brian, who she’s obviously interested in. Tinsley and Dorinda are impressed at the level of googly-eye-action Ramona can muster in a mere three-minute flirting session. Meanwhile, cringes ripple around the room as the ladies awkwardly interact with totally petrified men from wall to wall. Luann tries not to roll her eyes at the peasants approaching her while Sonja just pets everyone and Bethenny makes blow job jokes. Essentially, this speed dating situation is boiling down each Housewife to her purest form of neuroses, and it’s bizarrely entertaining.
As the rounds continue, Bethenny and Brian find themselves on a couch together, where Brian admits that the only reason he came to this event was because Bethenny would likely be there. He wants him some Skinnygirl! While Bethenny is flattered, she admits Brian isn’t really her type. Instead of rejecting him outright, she just chats pleasantly with him and secretly revels in the fact that Ramona crazy eyes are going to google themselves right out of her head when she finds this information out.
But Ramona knows nothing right now; in fact, she’s busy demanding a drink “for the red scarf guy” from the bartender to notice what Brian’s been up to. When she delivers the drink to her #1 prospect, she leans in and tries to flirtatiously whisper-bark, “Since you were KOIND enough to bring ME a drink, I thought I’d bring YOU a drink.” Everyone is horrified-slash-amused, except poor Brian, who’s forced to clink glasses with Ramona while he wonders if he’s just been roofied.
Bethenny’s final interview is the MVP spot of the episode, as she apes Ramona playing the flirty Bringer Of Drinks To Men In Red Scarves with aplomb. Back at speed dating, Carole is sulky because Red Scarf Dude was actually meant for HER tonight, but Ramona and Bethenny were all over him like thirsty chicks at the Regency on Tom! Ah well, no one met their match. But, were you not entertained? I was.
And Tinsley raises everyone’s spirits when she tells the group that they’re going to travel to Colombia to stay in her girlfriend’s palatial estate. “That’s the house? HOLY SH*T!” screams Ramona when she sees the photo. Obviously, she doesn’t know that she’ll end up in a wheelchair there, they’ll almost all die on a boat, and everyone will fight like junkyard dogs the whole time. But we sure do! Oh Colombia, here go hell come.
TELL US: DOES RAMONA HAVE GAME? IS CAROLE REALLY BEING PURSUED BY ADAM AGAIN? WHAT DO YOU THINK OF LUANN’S CABARET SHOW? COLOMBIA…WHAT’S THE WORST THAT CAN HAPPEN? (HA!)
Photo Credit: Bravo
