Last night on Real Housewives Of Orange County the ladies played Bravo’s most popular game: She/said-She/Said. The winner was Meghan Edmonds, who claimed the ‘Pot Stirrer Meet Kettle’ award. Because honestly, accusing someone else of being a pot stirrer in defense of Tamra Judge is absolutely ludicrous beyond belief!
As is always the case on vacations Tamra and Vicki Gunvalson can’t keep it in their pants… their bodily functions that is. After a night of binge drinking Tamra, Vicki, and Shannon Beador are in no condition to go on an underwater excursion. As Tamra termed it she can’t stop s#*!ing herself. Can we get Tamra and Vicki some sort of potty training refresher course? Meanwhile not even the nebulizer can clear out Shannon’s brain.
Heather Dubrow, wearing DENIM CUTOFFS (it was like an alien sighting — but she looked great), barges in to try to rally them, but even her assurances that she had Depends and wipes in her Birkin couldn’t get Vicki and Shannon to come along. Tamra dragged herself aboard the bus and worked diligently not to poop her 1992 Hair Band video vixen hot pink one-piece during the boat trip.
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Matters were made even worse when Tamra was forced to have an awkward conversation with ME-ME-MEghan about her obsession with step-momming. Meghan really does need to go back to work – she’s so bored she’s stealing other people’s children. Tamra explains the ladies feel Meghan needs to understand her role vs. Jim’s ex wives roles. They also think it’s super weird that Heather is friends with both ex-Wife no 2 (Allison) and Meghan (future ex-wife no. 3).
Meghan complains that it’s none of the ladies business and she is clearly far superior to Allison who is a “very unhappy woman.” Meghan and Allison have no relationship. VEEEERRRRRY Interesting. Is bashing your stepchildren’s mother on national TV part of this whole “hashtag cool stepmom” thing ? #WeSeeYouMeghanKingEdmonds.
While all this was happening Heather was managing to make a wetsuit and a monstrously humongous sea hat from the Steve Zisou Archives look like it was part of a Chanel runway show. Naturally Heather popped some champagne and sipped it from a straw while marveling at the stingray’s invisible pores and luscious skin quality. It would make a marvelous pair of shoes. That color – so chic. Heather gets Uncle Karl of the Chanel Karls on her special underwater sea-phone (which doubles as both a hyberbaric anti-carbonation resistant flask and a compact) to see if Chanel can arrange Stingray leather pants. Everything’s better down where it’s wetter under the sea!
Meanwhile back at the resort, Vicki and Shannon are like f–k this nebulizer shit let’s have a little hair of the dog cocktail to cure the hangover. Because Vicki doesn’t usually drink like that… and Woo Hoo isn’t really her religion! Nothing sobers a lady up like discussing her husband’s infidelity while her hangover bloat rolls over her swimsuit bottom, but Shannon is all about letting everrrrrrrything hang out!
Vicki has known all along about David’s affair and was a major source of comfort and support to Shannon. David was cheating all last season with a woman they knew. And the worst of the worst of the worst: during the affair the mistress formed a close friendship with Shannon to extract information about her marriage! Double-Betrayal!! If I were Shannon I would be more than happy to join the ranks of that 70% Orange County divorce rate.
However, I am happy to learn that Vicki kept her confidences to Shannon and never revealed to the other women what she knew. Nice to see some real friendships on so called Real Housewives! Shannon is grateful – especially that Tamra was never told, especially after last year when Tamra twisted information around, fed it to Heather as her one meal of the week, and then dined out on the morsels of that destruction all season. Tamra gets high off the misfortunes of others much like Ursula the Seawitch from Little Mermaid. That’s what friends are for! One thing about Shannon – she’s always seen Tamra for who (and what) she really is!
That night the ladies all go out to dinner and for some odd reason they decide to play a game of she-said/she-said telephone. Also Lizzie Rovsek was wearing like a dress made from an afghan over pants and it had a weird ruched belt.
ME-ME-MEghan is obsessed with knowing if the ladies talked about her while they were taking shots. Didn’t we already cover this on the boat? Apparently ME-ME-MEghan needs more reassurance that she’s the center of attention because Dad Jeans Jim doesn’t love her soul enough and lumps her in with the rest of the velociraptors shrieking in his ear. Now IIIIIIIIIIII would have just said, “Look – I was so drunk I pissed in a swimming pool on national TV. After ruining a pair of Louboutin wedges, so obviously I don’t remember what was said. Let’s forget about about it.” But no, this is RHOC and these women have nothing in common except hating each other, or rather how much they hate Meghan, something Meghan weirdly seems to relish in.
Of course no one wants to talk about Meghan and her married white step-femaling, but Meghan continues to whine that she has a right to banish Jim’s second ex-wife to an underwater prison wearing that helmet hat the mafia uses to kill people while they blissfully pet stingrays. After all, Meghan she has been married to Jim for 16 seconds and virtually raised those kids! No one is arguing that stepparents aren’t parents, or can’t love their stepchildren, but in the case of Jim and his exes, the moms are still very involved in their children’s lives and it’s pretty shitty to continually talk about how their existence invalidates the love ME-ME-MEghan has for HER stepchildren.
It all got so Tamtwisted I wanted to chug fireballs and jump in a pool with the pissy pants sisters. Heather starts harping on Shannon because she allegedly called Heather a “horrible person” because she hangs out with both Meghan and Jim’s other ex-wife. Apparently people just can’t quit Jim!
Buuuuuttttt… that information came from Tamra, and should be taken with several grains of salt. Tamra backpedals and starts whining then rushes to the bathroom with Vicki. When you’re learning to use the toilet you have to go every time you feel a little clue! What they’re actually doing in the bathroom is talking about how Heather is melodramatic and Tamra’s words were misconstrued. Heather chases them to the bathroom.
Aside: Tamra’s jumpsuit was pulled up to right under her boobs and it reminded of “It’s Pat!” from SNL. HAHA!
This the cycle of the Tamnado: Over and over again Tamra stirs crap up, then cries and whines when she gets caught. How about Tamra own some of her SHIT? Lord know she’s full of enough of it that it sometimes leaks out! What Shannon actually said, as was heavily played back, was that Heather’s ex-wives/wives friendships breaks girl code. Tamra and Vicki said they don’t understand how Heather can let Meghan talk shit about Jim’s ex-wife Allison, who is Heather’s close friend. Alas, Heather just thinks about her Bravo paycheck tallying up any time any of them speak and how if she then randomly throws out a comment about Hermes or marble staircases she gets a tax write-off.
While Heather, Tamra and Vicki are in the bathroom arguing over who is shittier and who is pissier and trying to loosely define honesty so it conveniently fits into their own convoluted mores of friendship, Shannon complains that everyone on RHOC is a “pot-stirrer” but the person stirring the biggest pot with the biggest spoon is Tamra. It was a fairly innocent comment – especially coming from someone who had just gotten burned by the machinations of Tamra’s witches brew.
Previously there had been some discussion about laying everything out on the table, and Meghan believed by Shannon calling Tamra a “pot-stirrer” she was was violating some sort of TamraCode in which Tamra never has to be truthful or loyal but everyone else does. Meghan was offended because Tamra is her good friend. Meghan is fucking crazy. Pardon my French – I learned it in Mo’orea while vacation with the mo’orons of RHOC.
Then the girls grabbed cocktails and hopped into golf carts to play a game of golf cart bumper cars ON A PIER. Vicki is driving Lizzie and Shannon; Tamra drives Heather and Meghan. Thankfully nary a drink was spilled, but loose lips certainly sank ships. Meghan immediately informs Tamra that Shannon called her a pot-stirrer. Tamra runs Vicki off the road and stomps over to Shannon to confront her about talking behind her back. At this point I’m all Jesus take the wheel — and run over ME-ME-MEghan.
An argument erupts back at the hotel room where Shannon astutely points out that EVERYONE in this group is a pot- stirrer… even Meghan. Meghan responds by randomly telling Shannon to walk away because “that’s what you’ve done to me before” as if they’ve had this long and meaningful relationship instead of meeting weeks before as co-workers.
Meghan is the dumbest creature – I shan’t dare call her human – to grace the annals of RHOC. And really what is Meghan’s deal with hating Shannon? It’s bizarre. Also, how ironic is it that Meghan is constantly berating Shannon over her “judgey eyes” when all Meghan does is whine at Shannon and judge her or make accusations about her behavior while demanding that she behave a certain way. It’s too bad Meghan doesn’t “step-parent” Hayley half as effectively. Also, Meghan has the maturity of a 12 year old and the fact that she is in charge of raising any one’s child is frightening.
Heather and Vicki wisely escort Shannon from the room with Tamra running along behind them. Poor Lizzie gets stuck with Meghan, whom no one wants. Including Jim. Shannon needs to just stop even bothering with Meghan – she is pathetic and obviously has a plan.
Meghan whines to Lizzie that she did nothing wrong and she “loves” Tamra so she had to tell her that Shannon was talking about her. Lizzie tries to explain concepts such as “tact,” “context,” “time and place,” and “generalizations.” But Meghan is just like but Tamra is my Big Sister – she is taking me to Disneyland and we’re gonna have breakfast with the princesses.
The next day the ladies leave Mo’orea. Heather helps Tamra packs and discovers she’s “reading” Bible for Dummies, which all things considering is appropriate. Heather doesn’t laugh in Tamra’s face however, which is impressive restraint. Tamra is still confused about what went on between Shannon and Meghan but she’s relieved that it got so twisted and ridiculous no one remembers it’s was her fault and the blame should be directed thusly. “I’m staying out of it,” announces Tamra, comparing the situation to a game of Telephone. How has Bravo not made a Housewives board game version of Telephone?
In the ferryport the ladies have beers and participate in the sporting event of lecturing each other about how each person sucks. Thankfully stepmom-gate continued to rear it’s ugly hairbanded head.
Meghan reveals that Hayley kept skipping school, so they bought her a car, and a cell phone and let her switch to online school, and basically Meghan does all her homework, which is a beast of burden she chose to impress Jim. Vicki informs Meghan that this will do Hayley no favors. Meghan, shockingly, astutely, points out that since Vicki doesn’t consider her a mother, why is she giving her advice on raising a stepdaughter? It all stemmed from Vicki announcing that she was buying Briana a new car for her birthday to try and win her approval of Brooks, or something. When will Vicki learn you can’t buy people’s love… or you end up with a Brooks.
Meghan undoes all her brief smarts by comparing Vicki’s gesture to how she and Jim bought Hayley a car. She fails to realize that Briana actually earned her reward with hard work. Basically Meghan needs Step-Momming For Dummies. With ClifNotes.
The ladies all have a final beach dinner, but Meghan thought it was a costume party with the theme of wear your best impression of a Brett Michael’s bandana. Either that or Meghan was desperately trying to keep what few brain cells she possesses from leaking out of her ears.
Over dinner Meghan apologized to Shannon. She explains she did it because she’s the bigger person. That is true – she is bigger than Shannon. Meghan Szzzmart!
Then Vicki issues a life lesson about the importance of love and friendship and thanks everyone for supporting her relationship with Brooks. HUH? Someone needs to borrow Meghan’s headband – their brain is leaking like it’s their bladder! Or possibly Vicki has been sniffing too many phony Hallmark affirmations and she’s also really feeling the regret of ditching Donn for a hefty alimony payment and Brooks.
TELL US – WHO IS THE BIGGEST POT STIRRER?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
