Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey was all about the careful, delicate process of making amends which is almost as painstaking and precarious as writing the perfect cookbook. Melissa changes strategies regarding the infamous feud, Kathy gets the Caroline-treatment, Teresa decides she is going to learn how to write, Jacqueline deals with bratty friends and bratty daughters, and Caroline is forced to mediate some Gorga-drama.
Things start off with a flabbergasted Kathy telling husband Rich about the events at the Posche Trashion Show. Kathy, worried that she may be blackballed from The Brownstone after angering The Caroline, needs to make amends and explain she wasn’t trying to pull a Gorga and cause a big scene in public. After all, she couldn’t help it because she was talking to Teresa and it’s in Teresa’s genes to flip out in public and cause a HUGE scene. Kathy is also surprised that her attempt to have an adult conversation with Teresa didn’t go well. Wait – hasn’t Kathy known Teresa her entire life? How is this shocking to her?
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In the big city where people don’t live in fortresses made entirely of marble and gaucheness, Teresa is meeting with book editors to take pictures for her newest cookbook Fabulicious!. She came up with the name because all her girls say “fabulous!” and everything in the book is delicious and Fabulous! + Delicious = FABULICIOUS! Duh! Describing her recipes as upholding the tradition of simplicity in Italian cooking by using few “ingrediences” everybody already knows, like coomin or cummin (not be confused by what it takes to make baby Giudices!) or Q-min or whatever that stuff is. The look on that poor chef’s face.
In the middle of the food photoshoot (another photoshoot!) suddenly the sound of the incredible hulk growling is heard in the background oh, actually – it’s Tre talking to Jr. Mafia Joe on her bedazzled phone. He’s calling to report that he ran into Non-Juicy Joe at the gym. Did they hug each other and profess their undying love? Oh of course not, Joe hates Joe hates Joe. Upset about the non-encounter, Teresa is convinced that deep down in his cold, steel-coated heart Non-Juicy still loves her.
At the Gorga house Melissa lets us know that Non-Juicy gets mad at her if they don’t have daily sexual encounters (YUCK!), but she is just soooo exhausted from being a supermodel in the Posche Trashion Show she couldn’t put out. Since he has been deprived for a day or two her husband is sulking around complaining about the poison (i.e. man juice) that is wracking through his body slowing killing him because his wife can’t wake up to mate with him on demand. Um… I’m pretty sure that in a court of law this is considered sex slavery. Of course, the perfect place to have this conversation is in front of their THREE children. Classy. Desperately trying to shake him off her tail, Melissa tells Joe how at the Trashion Show poor, poor pitiful Melissa was neglected and ignored because Teresa won’t talk to them. Joe goes from hot and bothered to hotheaded and doesn’t want to deal with his sister anymore.
Down a dark and winding road in the middle of a rainstorm Jacqueline is visiting her tarot card reader. God I love Reality TV psychics – can they get their own show? The psychic lets Jac know that Ashley suffers from a form of constant PMS known as her unfortunate personality. She also lets Jacqueline know that Teresa is surrounded by daggers coming at her from all angles, daggers like: The IRS, the mortgage company, collection agencies, Melissa Gorga, The New Jersey Police Department, Danielle Staub. Apparently it is Jacqueline’s duty to learn self-defense and help her friend fend off these enemies. Now this I need to see – WWH: World Wrestling Housewives.
Far away in a distant land approximately 30 minutes from their mother known as Hoboken, NJ The Manzo boys are moving out. FINALLY. No more ham game! Caroline, carrying nothing but a Kleenex box to wipe up the constant flood of her tears cannot help with the move so she just supervises. So what did those upstanding young men get as a housewarming present from their Auntie Jacqueline? A stripper pole! Also, moving in with Albie and Chris is Greg, who is their “Mister” or Male Sister (Lauren with a beard) and his little dog Deloris. How many bedrooms does this place have? After an entire day of Caroline weeping about her favorite children leaving her, Lauren has had it and point blank lets her mom know she feels under-appreciated and sick of this crap. So nanny, nanny boo-boo Lauren is just going to marry Vito and leave home too.
Jacqueline’s parents are visiting and everyone is fed up with Ashley. Jac’s father encourages her to tell Ashley her story about her divorce from Ashley’s dad and the hard road Jacqueline had as a young, single mother. Jacqueline entirely blames herself for things not working out between her and Ashley’s father and for Ashley’s behavior in general. Jacqueline’s dad believes supporting Ashley will be worth it someday. Yeah, just keep giving her everything she wants – how about a marble mansion of her own? Or better yet what about a penthouse in UES so she doesn’t have to commute for the 3 days a week she actually shows up to intern.
Arriving at The Matriarch’s house with a bouquet of tissue paper as big as her own body is Kathy, coming to kiss the feet and beg forgiveness from The Queen of NJ because she embarrassed her at the ball. You could feel Kathy’s nerves through the TV. Caroline knowing the impression she gives off, was loving every second of making Kathy squirm. Trying to demonstrate that she is a lower human being than the almighty Caroline, Kathy wore her most ripped-up, oldest, holiest jeans. After Kathy lays all her cards on the table and humbly apologizes, Caroline blindly takes Teresa’s side because they’re TV family friends. Caroline lets Kathy know she doesn’t care about her intentions and she doesn’t want to know anything that goes on in the Gorga family. Caroline instead wants to focus on how Teresa and her brother need to fix their own family.
Back at Casa de Sex Cavern, All about ME!Melissa is singing a different tune after hearing the results of Kathy’s convo with Queen Bee Caroline. Melissa, who wants everyone to take her side, doesn’t want the other HW to think she causes drama. She now thinks the feud should end and everything should be hunky dory with thrice weekly play dates between the G&G (Guidice & Gorga) cousins. There is a cute scene of Melissa bathing her kiddies which was interrupted by porno-dad Non-Juicy Joe threatening to molest his wife and letting us know about a very disgusting special Gorga family gene: their super sex drive. Actually Non-Juicy we’ve been listening to Teresa describe this to us for two seasons now. Later to further demonstrate his desperate need to eradicate toxic poisons form his body, Non-Juicy chases his wife around her closet. Bravo really needs to stop with the almost porn bits – or they need to get some less repulsive cast members. Should I send Monsieur Cohen a “cease and desist” comment on the Bravo boards?
At Kathy’s house she is still upset that Caroline put her in timeout for being a troublemaker. To put a band-aid on her emotional wound husband Rich lets us know that his queen needs a special chariot and he bought her a white Mercedes SUV so she can keep up with the Gorgas, Manzos, & Lauritas to make her feel better. Kathy lets us know she is not spoiled because when something is spoiled you want to throw it away; instead she is “well taken care of.”
Proving that anyone who is anyone in Jersey drives a white Mercedes SUV, Caroline, Jacqueline, and Teresa show up in one to meet Kim “dah-rama” D at her friend’s showroom, because she is dying to get the gossip on the G&G feud show her friends how much she appreciates them. In the middle of Teresa describing that her family will not be joining her for Thanksgiving so she will be having a “friend Thanksgiving,” Caroline drops the bomb that Kathy visited her the other day. Putting Teresa’s mouth in check Caroline tells her to shut up and listen to her advice about reuniting her family. Since Teresa is incapable of shutting her mouth for three seconds Caroline can’t get a word in edgewise and neither can anyone else when dealing with Tre, Caroline suggests she write her brother a letter to try and fix things. Jacqueline decides she will help, because Teresa can’t write – only scream – which is why it is even more surprising that she published two books!
At Jacqueline’s house Teresa arrives, Gucci stationary in tow, to practice her letters. Cracking open a bottle of wine so she won’t get tipsy and say something she might regret, Teresa and Jac get down to business. Teresa’s reasons for writing the letter are because she is older than her brother she obviously has more brains than him and she is going to try and reach out. Teresa reads Jacqueline what she has written so far and surprisingly, she took Caroline’s advice and doesn’t attack. Whoever she hired to write this did a good job. Jacqueline points out that the one itty-bitty detail that Teresa left out is a little hurdle named Melissa. Oh, her. Instantly Teresa is defensive and refuses to take accountability for any part of this feud. Her rationale is, like, God forgives those for being stupid and so does she. After being completely ignored Jacqueline decides to pay attention her buddy Chardonnay, who is a great listener, and she starts guzzling wine. Truthfully she was extraordinarily patient. I would have lost it. Desperate to throw her out of her house, Jacqueline drives the letter over to Non-Juicy’s with her.
After arriving in her Mercedes, ringing the bell over and over and looking through the window, Teresa decides they are not home and leaves the letter. Returning from a jog, the Gorgas are greeted by a beautiful and articulate hand-written note from Teresa. Trying to disguise that he cannot read, Non-Juicy makes his wife read it aloud to him. Too bad there weren’t accompanying pictures. Melissa wants Joe to tawk to Teresa or at least hear her out. Really – where did this Melissa come from? Wasn’t she just blaming Teresa for everything? Regardless, Melissa thinks it is now time to bury the hatchet and the show ends with Joe pondering if he knows how to work that phone-thingy to call his sister.
Next Week: THANKSGIVING! And Friendsgiving! More family drama! And Albie tells Ashley like it is!
So do you think the Giudices and the Gorgas will mend fences? Is there any hope for Ashley? Was Caroline too hard on Kathy or did Kathy deserve it?
