It’s finale time for Game of Crowns. This season we laughed, we cried, we watched Lynne try to cry without actually manufacturing human tears. We toughed it out through talk of cuchinis and butt glue. We stuck by this crazy-train of a show like a tacky matching jumpsuit. So if (well, when) the show is not renewed for another season, we can at least say we bore witness to it all. Let us now recap what may be the final moments of lukewarm fame for Vanassa Sebastian, Lynne Diamante, Shelley Carbone, Susanna Paliotta, Leha Guilmette, and Lori-Ann Marchese.
Last week left us at the Legends of the Crown pageant at Foxwoods Resort & Casino, with the final spot for the Top 5 still open. Four spots have already been filled by Shelley, Lori-Ann, and two other non-GOC cast members. Susanna, Vanassa, and Lynne wait in the wings for the announcer to say their names. But only one name can prevail! And that name is…Van-ASS-a. Yes, she wormed her way into the Top 5. Now Susanna and Lynne can go eat the loser buffet together backstage and talk about their best-friend sleepover tonight.
The Top 5 finalists are asked a question next: “Are you someone with whom others would want to be friends with?” (and this leaves me wondering what brainiac writes these language-mangled questions). Vanassa considers herself a top-notch friend, of course, and the ladies backstage gag at her answer. Shelley answers the same question in a cute and polished sound bite. Lori-Ann’s answer is bumbling, but honest. I just want to hug that girl, man. She’s a little rough, but she’s got moxy.
The Top 3 are as follows: Lori-Ann comes in third, leaving Vanassa and Shelley to duke it out head to head. They hold hands in that pageant death-grip that all Final Two beauty queens do and the winner is…SHELLEY!!! Duh. Vanassa got beat on her own sovereign nation soil. Boo yah! Shelley interviews that she’s happy and proud and she may be old, but she’s still “got it.” Word. Vanassa says if she’s going to lose to anyone, it should be Shelley.
Back in Lori-Ann’s “real” world, she and her hubby John are discussing kids for the umpteenth time. In an abrupt twist, Lori-Ann suddenly agrees with John that she’s ready for babies and they should start having them ASAP. This entire conversation was predicated on the fact that John had a dream the night before in which they had 6 kids, all boys. Hmmm. Lori-Ann predicts that she will have 6-pack abs even while preggo, thereby looking like a bulging turtle, or as she says, “the cutest pregnant lady ever.”
Vanassa is ready to have reconstructive surgery on her breasts since she’s cancer free and has the ok from her docs to move forward. She wants her boobies “tight and right with the nipples up in the air.” She interviews that her breasts need to be big enough to “poke the judges’ eyes right out” in pageants. Judges: you’ve been warned. I’ll say no more on this subject.
Now back to the drama, a la Lynne and Leha’s restraining order debacle. It’s court day! Leha must take the stand in court to accuse Lynne of many things (unbeknownst to us) that warrant her request for a restraining order. Lynne must defend herself armed only with a law degree (allegedly), blue hair, and a blood pressure cuff. After the hearing, Lynne interviews that the judge threw out the case due to lack of evidence on Leha’s part. Leha interviews that although the judge threw the case out, it was only because she didn’t have enough physical evidence on Lynne. Lynne says that the slander caused by the restraining order was damaging enough, but she is glad “justice prevailed.” Leha cries in her kitchen about the loss. And I wonder: what the hell is this even about at this point? We are so far removed from what the actual root issue is, the restraining order itself seems like a Ghost of Christmas Past. The outcome of this case simply falls flat, as does most of the drama on this show, because it’s just so far removed from anything genuinely important or real. Someone should also send that poor judge a fruit basket for even listening to this crap during his/her otherwise valuable time.
Susanna’s back to her “real” life using her crown as a platform for her anti-bullying initiatives. She takes her daughter Victoria to a local high school to share the story of Victoria’s violent incident at the hands of high school bullies. Lori-Ann tags along to share an awesome story of scaring the SH** out of would-be bullies of her past by, well, just being bas ass Lori-Ann. The high school girls listen to her, look a bit scared themselves, and – yet again – I just want to high five Lori-Ann and wish her well in life with her six boy babies, six-pack abs, and red robin bikini. She’s gonna be just fine.
Back in Leha’s world, she’s conniving to get all of the ladies together one last time (#beforecancellation) so she can face Lynne and “say her piece.” She ropes Vanassa into helping her coordinate things, which she handily does. The night of the dinner, Susanna and Lynne roll up together in…I can hardly even type this anymore…matching capes. Please, Bravo, put us out of our misery already!! No more nasty matching outerwear allowed on this or any other damn show!!!
The dinner goes a little something like this: Leha and Lynne face off about who hired-or-didn’t-hire a private investigator. Shelley brings up the fact that Leha has a stalker (what the HELL?!?!) and that the person posing as a private investigator may just be her stalker (again – what the HELL?!?!). I absolutely love how everyone just totally accepts the fact that Leha’s stalker exists and is practically a 7th cast member at this point in the conversation. Susanna whines that she wants her food during the entire argument while Shelley straight-up confronts Lynne on the real issue here: Did Nick threaten Lynne’s life in the first place? Lynne evades the answer yet again. Then we get a flashback of Nick’s dad threatening Susanna’s husband (which the cameras actually caught, so why isn’t anyone addressing this issue?).
Leha is incensed that Lynne has since started rumors about Nick being abusive at home, which Leha claims he is not. Vanassa redirects the convo toward Susanna, who, she reminds them, is actually the person who started the Abuser Nick comments in the first place (finally, Susanna is getting called out for this!). Susanna denies spreading the rumors. Shelley gets very honest and tells Leha that all of the ladies were legitimately scared for her because Nick acted like a volatile toddler at the Mrs. America pageant, thereby scaring the bejeezus out of everyone. Bottom line: Nick acted like a d-bag, which set off a chain of events during which a good portion of the ladies scratched each other’s eyes out over the “he said, she said” aftermath. Lynne and Leha agree to be cordial to each other and put their issues to rest for now.
In the end, Shelley comes out the winner just like she started. Lori-Ann is ready to make babies and to be herself – which is awesome. Vanassa is ready for some new boobies and Botox. Lynne, Leha, and Susanna are ready to compete in some more back-room IHOP state sash contests. And Andy Cohen owes somebody somewhere a huge refund check.
Ah, pageantry. Ah, the humanity.
TELL US – WOULD YOU WATCH ANOTHER SEASON OF GAME OF CROWNS?
Recap Author: Erin M.
Photo Credit: Bravo TV
