Last night on Real Housewives of Atlanta it was the great booty show-down. Really. Kenya Moore decided to twirl all over Phaedra Parks' workout video and co-opt it as her own based purely on the fact that she thinks her butt is hotter and that she is more recognizable. Mind you, this is her opinion.
Things begin with Cynthia Bailey judging a hair show. And because she's contractually obligated to spend time with Kenya, Kenya shows up to "support" her. Kenya smizes at the camera, pretends to be earnest, and claims that she and Cynthia have started to become friends. Meanwhile Cynthia is shooting her a wicked stink eye and looking like the last booty she wants to see walk through the door belongs to Kenya.
Speaking of booties… it would appear there's a new horse in the OK get crazy and twirl corral. Chatting show-side with Lawrence and Derek J (bitchy step-sisters 1 & 2), it is revealed that the ever-humble, never wacky Kenya is coming out with her own booty workout video. A Stallion Workout video to be precise and that stallion aims to usurp Phaedra's donkey booty project.
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Everyone cackles about the amazingness of a stallion's rearend and it is unanimously decided by all that a stallion booty is preferable to a donkey one. And yes, a stallion is more regal and majestic looking than a donkey. But a stallion is also a MALE HORSE.
Let's talk about that fact… So I'm guessing Kenya isn't trying to do a workout booty video for men and I'm guessing she's not trying to have workouts where one tries to look like they have boy parts, but Kenya misses a lot of obvious points. She later claims she's aware of the anatomy of a stallion, but it just sounds good.
Kenya slams Phaedra's booty claiming it's hardly aspirational unlike her own enhanced, implanted, and superior model – the one she bought from Kim Kardashian's Brazilian plastic surgeon when she was telling people everyone confused J.Lo. You know, before Beyonce was the big thing. Kenya's been around a while…
Then Kenya brays like a donkey and explains that she, a former pageant queen who has changed history like Obama, is regal and superior. She twirls off the stage, imagining people are watching her and she was crowned Miss Universe. "I just don't understand who would want to look like a donkey?" Kenya wonders.
Kenya oughta know she already looks like a donkey on every episode of RHOA. And by that I mean she looks like an ass with her behavior!
Over at NeNe Leakes house she is playing glam-ma to glambaby Bri'Asia. Gregg is challenged with setting up the crib, but NeNe tells us he's not exactly handy in that department. It's really cute seeing NeNe and Gregg fuss and coo all over that sweet little girl.
And then Kandi Burruss is led to the lion's den – or should I say the stallion pen. She shows up at Derek J's for a hair style and Derek shares a little juicy gossip he just heard about Kenya's new career direction. Everybody knows… don't trust a hairdresser with gossip unless you want it repeated, which something tells me was exactly Kenya's point.
Kandi is speechless and immediately gets on the phone with Phaedra. "Where's my dayum purse?" she demands. Those are fighting words for a lady – when you grab your purse to get on the phone and impart some gossip, heads are gonna roll – or someone is going to go hamburger on somebody else's ass.
Derek failed to mention he was talking crap about Phaedra as well and pretended to be shocked that Phaedra and Kandi didn't know about Kenya's intentions. Phaedra is furious. People want a real booty, not a "Six Flags scream machine with all those lumps and bumps."
"I knew heffa was thirsty, but I didn't know she was starving," Phaedra snaps. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink! Even a thirsty heffa who's starving, I s'pose. And the war of booties has begun.
PHAEDRA REVEALS WHY SHE DIDN'T DO BUSINESS WITH KENYA!
And Phaedra, who has been playing nice with Kenya to appease the crazy, is calling it quits on be the gentle with the inmate mentality, although she recognizes this vodka swilling, delusional, former queen wants more than Phaedra's man, she also wants her booty empire!
While everyone is in a tailspin about the runaway race horse gone mad and foaming at the mouth, one person is feeling vindicated. Porsha Stewart realizes she now has leverage and she shows up to Cynthia's modeling practice for a children's fashion show waving a big ol' flag that reads "I Told You So!"
Ayden is supposed to walk in the show so Phaedra and Apollo arrive to help coach him. Phaedra Parks, stage mom. After practice, Cynthia, Porsha, and Phaedra convene outside where inevitably Kenya comes up.
Cynthia thinks it's OK for both women to do the same product, just like she and NeNe are both in the wine business, but consents that Kenya's motives are wrong. She chalks it up to Kenya's prowess a businesswoman and is supportive of her pursuing an opening in the market.
I personally find it suspect given that Phaedra came up with an original idea of a booty workout video and Kenya knowing the concept straight-up jacked it and is doing the same thing with a different name. I believe we refer to that as knock-off. For instance, Phaedra is carrying Gucci, but Kenya is rocking Coochie (hopefully not with crack!).
Phaedra, not feeling so generous with her ideas in turn questions Kenya's mental sanity and wonders if perhaps her chemical imbalance makes her twirl around acting crazy and quoting Gone With The Wind when she's clearly never seen the movie. She points out that we are talking about a woman who expects them to believe she needs security because she is always mistaken for Beyonce. Mmmm-hmmm.
I mean it's either that she's mentally unstable or that she drinks like fish and acts like fool. I mean she has been seen yanking a flask of vodka out of that Coochie purse and then twirling around the White House lawn…
Porsha seizes the moment to remind Phaedra that she once liked Kenya, and defended her even when Kenya did rude things to both her and Cynthia.
With Kenya and Phaedra very on the rocks, Porsha carpe diems and tries to buddy-up to Phaedra. They go out for coffee and are both wearing the same colored shirt – which appears to be the only thing they have in common besides hating Kenya. Nothing bonds a friendship like mutual dislike of another person who you can judiciously gossip about!
Other than complaining about Kenya's crazy behavior, they discuss family and husbands. Porsha reveals that the first year of marriage has been a struggle for her.
Meanwhile, Kandi is on an ulterior motives outing with Kenya. Who also seems to be on an ulterior motives outing with Kandi. She probably wants to recruit her onto Team Stallion. Maybe Kandi can sing on Kenya's workout video?!
Kenya introduces her to her production manager so he can build some things for Kandi's new house. Kandi decides she has to confront her "friend" Kenya about what she's doing to Phaedra. Kenya says she was in "pre-production" for 4 weeks before Phaedra cut her out of the deal ruthlessly because she didn't want to pay her for a cut of the distribution deal.
I just have one question: How are you in pre-production WITHOUT A CONTRACT?!
Kenya claims that since the distribution deal was still available and that deal was with her, the company wanted to go ahead with the contract with or without donkeys so Kenya's lumps and bumps leaped into fill the considerable void. Kandi sums it up as "bootlegging" Phaedra's idea.
Kenya denies that she is knocking off anything insisting the stallion workout (oh, now it 's a workout not a booty video) is different. Kandi wonders if she's going to try and market Bedroom Kenya next. Kenya tries to turn on the sob story about how Phaedra hurt her feelings and Kandi is like, 'No, you are Kim Zolciak Jr and this is Don't Be Tardy For The Party where you're gonna try to use and manipulate before twirling on over to the next victim.'
Unfortunately for Kenya, Kandi is definitely on Team Phaedra. Kenya is really racking up the enemies among the RHOA set…
And I think we know why Phaedra ditched Kenya's distribution deal! She is working with the company that produced Jane Fonda's videos and Madonna's latest project instead. Who's broke-down now Miss WHO-S-A, Phaedra wonders?
While the producers seem slightly afraid, they are on-board if only because Phaedra and Jane are close friends, a relationship Phaedra doesn't hesitate to play up. Apparently Jane inspired her to marry Apollo and is the "god mother" of the donkey booty workout. And I guess that's why Phine Body is in stores while Stallion Booty is invisible…
All of the booty mess comes to an end at Cynthia's fashion show which is to raise money for children living with HIV. All the ladies of RHOA are in attendance, which means drama is surely going to happen. Phaedra arrives and she and Cynthia engage in the first-ever Housewives spelling bee.
Funny… I always thought a RHOA spelling bee would include words like Louboutin, Wine, and Louis Vuitton, not s-i-p-p-y-c-u-p.
As Ayden is carried down the runway by Apollo it becomes apparent to Kenya that tides have changed and Phaedra has now joined ranks with Porsha. Backstage Kenya scrambles to procure NeNe, goddess et al of RHOA, to her side which isn't exactly difficult given that NeNe dubs Phaedra as "shady" and feels she tried to screw Kenya by making her work for free. Did we ever clear up what actual work Kenya did on the Donkey Booty video despite lofty ideas, a big budget, and a distribution deal all of which she had no paperwork for?
Furthermore, since she is on a chocolate and alcohol fueled diet for her new Hollywood lifestyle, NeNe doesn't understand who on earth wants to look like a donkey. “It’s very wide, honey, very big, child. I don’t see anybody wanting to walk around with a donkey ass,” NeNe explains. She thinks Kenya's idea has a more enticing name and approach, and perhaps Phaedra did too as she is now calling her video Phine Body.
In the middle of NeNe and Kenya's discussion Phaedra, she ambles over with Apollo close behind. Phaedra explains that although imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, she doesn't appreciate the gesture. Apollo straight up calls Kenya out on being a "biter," or a copycat.
Kenya decides that Phaedra suffers from a rare disease called "full-of-shititis." I think she may have caught it from Kenya. "If I wanna make a video because I'm hot, I'm gonna make a video because I'm hot," says Kenyonce. "Let the consumer decide if they want to be a stallion or a donkey."
NeNe is loving all the drama and stoking the fires as she does best. I just can't wait until Kenya does something shady to NeNe next…
And there we have it, Kenya feels Phaedra walked away from her deal leaving it wide open for her to grab and go for, and Phaedra seems suddenly shocked by the entertainment business being so shady and capricious. Or perhaps, she was just surprised that a so-called friend would be so duplicitous. Read Phaedra's blog from last week for her version of why she opted out of business with Kenya – it's interesting.
Kenya twirls away tootling about cashing checks in the bank. Well, unless they're Trump checks they don't count!
Next Week: Kenya really snaps as she mimics Phaedra at a public event and furthers speculation that a chemical imbalance exists.
TELL US – TEAM STALLION OR TEAM DONKEY?
