Welcome back for our The Valley Episode 6 recap, “Congrats on Your Hair Loss.” In last week’s episode, Kristen acted like a mob boss, declaring she would always protect Michelle’s secrets. Now, was this a threat? Absolutely. Michelle was left shaken but still firm in her belief that she would most likely be divorcing her husband, Jesse.
Jax is Jax
The latest episode starts a little slower, with Kristen and Luke discussing their baby-making skills. Evidently, practice makes perfect. Also, Luke has been taking Kristen’s prenatal vitamins. Um ew? My heart breaks for Kristen, who worries about seeing a “permanent negative pregnancy test forever.” But I do like how they are willing to see a premarital counselor. But these two are undoubtedly made for one another. Crazy is as crazy does.
Thankfully, Jax knows how to break the ice and brings the humor to Episode 6. In a very relatable moment, the OG struggled to determine if he had WhatsApp to speak with Jason. While sitting on his child’s swing set, he gets annoyed with the echo on the phone. In a Mr. Magoo moment, he wondered if the issue was because Jason had an Android. Jax notes, “My two-year-old son is better at this than I am. Sorry, I’m new to this.” Jax, technology doesn’t work like that. And thus ended the funniest part of the episode.
Jax’s Studio
Jax and Brittany drive down to their unopened bar in their golf cart. Surely, there are vehicle laws in Los Angeles that prohibit this because nothing about it looked safe. Jax mentions that he is haunted by how badly Schwartz & Sandy’s launch went and decides he is a soft opening for football season. Brittany isn’t thrilled but is once again gaslit.
We see a side to Jax that could be genuine or a well-played-out cry. Brittany has baby fever and wants a second child. But Jax is overwhelmed and ready to check out of being an adult. Hell he is one step away from putting in his two-week notice on adulting all together.
As Brittany walks around the location, Jax notes, “It’s so hard to be married sometimes.” Sir, don’t do that. Brittany is a saint for putting up with your BS. Jax says he “doesn’t know how to manage it all. Raising a child, starting a business, raising a family.” Brittany begs for a romantic partner, but Jax can’t commit, telling the cameras, “It’s a struggle.”
Psychedelic trip
Jesse thinks the answer to his marriage issues is taking crazy mushrooms and ayahuasca. While Danny was trying to push therapy for the alpha male syndrome, the Boston native thought that plant-based alternative thinking was his best shot at luring Michelle back in. Danny said that we all were thinking, that the therapy was “ridiculous.” And what about “more actual couples therapy? Might not be a bad idea.”
Jesse, who, mind you, I am rooting for, states, “ I want to step outside of myself to see my ego on the inside.” Excuse me, what? But Jesse is aware he uses his aggression to shut the whole table up, which we see come back into play at the end of the episode.
Hairless, not balding party
Let me say that Jax is not going bald. The man has a cowlick that he should probably comb better. In a harrowing story, Jax regales the partygoers about how he felt he was forming a bald spot, so he spray-painted his scalp with black hairspray. Here is a PSA: kids do not do this at home. A special thanks to production, who placed an arrow on the offending bald spot for all to see.
Jax knows how to get his money. If he has to say he is losing his hair to make a bit of money, Jax will do it. Jax is no longer using black spray paint and barely remembers the name of the product he is pushing, which is Xyon. Don’t ask him what it stands for because he doesn’t know.
Kristen goes rogue
The party moves into the night at the Mondrian (the birthplace of Scandoval), and nothing good can come from this. Jesse is having a rough day. He is caught chatting with the Burning Man pop-up vendor, much to Michelle’s chagrin. The gang moves into dinner, and all hell breaks loose. Everyone keeps poking Jesse for being too quiet until he shares that his trip session made him realize his marriage was over. It’s a no-win for Jesse, who is damned if he talks and damned if he doesn’t.
Jesse once again bangs the table, and Kristen is triggered. What proceeds is a hot mic moment between Kristen and producers. Kristen says she won’t be around Jesse, who is “a really horrific human.” Kristen is playing with fire as she continues to state that she is still in the vault for the Lally family secrets. Jesse literally appears out of nowhere to say, “If you bring out any skeletons that I don’t know about my wife, I will bury you.”
The last five minutes of the episode are a blur as viewers see most of the cast congregate in the hallway. Cameras catch Luke and Jesse starting to tussle as Zack is physically pushed into the wall. Brittany’s physical prowess seemed to be the only thing standing between the two men. Good for you, B!
The Valley continues Tuesdays at 9/8c on Bravo.
TELL US – WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THE VALLEY EPISODE 6? COULD YOU BELIEVE THE DRAMA IN THE HALLWAY?
