Welcome back to the rebooted Real Housewives of New York City. Let’s meet the players, through the eyes of their new castmates.
Brynn Whitfield, West Village Brand Marketing Consultant
New cast member Jenna Lyons described Brynn Whitfield as “the fun girl.”
“I’ve never seen anyone weave flirting into everything they do,” said Jenna.
Another new cast member, Erin Lichy, added, “Brynn has taken the fun meter from here to here,” using her hand to indicate a needle moving from left to right.
Brynn’s tagline: “I love to laugh, but make me mad, and I’ll date your dad.” All righty then.
Jenna Lyons, Soho Interior Designer/Entrepreneur
“We look in magazines and we see Jenna,” another cast member commented about the interior designer in a voiceover, “and she’s, like, [a] boss bitch.”
“She’s a very unique person,” Jessel Taank said. “There are little quirks here and there.”
“Jenna’s unapologetic for who she is,” Ubah Hassan added. “But I think there’s a lot that we don’t know about Jenna.”
Jenna’s tagline: “My lashes may be fake, but I definitely keep it real.” I’m obsessed with Jenna’s little coffee-drinking dog and can’t wait to see more of him.
Jessel Taank, Chelsea Fashion Publicist
“Jessel [is] the publicist,” commented Sai De Silva, “and she will remind you she is a publicist at all times.”
“Jessel’s a good girl,” said Ubah, “but sometimes [she’ll] say things, [and] you’re like, ‘Jessel just said that?!'”
Jessel’s tagline: “I always bring the flavor. It’s not my fault you don’t have any taste.”
Sai De Silva, Brooklyn Creator/Influencer
“I don’t try to be glam,” Sai says of herself. “It just happens.”
“There is a sexy sort of aloofness to Sai,” added Jenna.
“Sai on Instagram,” commented Erin, making duck lips to illustrate. “She’s not a huge bitch. She can be a bitch, but not to me, so I love her.”
“Sai’s such a boss,” added Ubah, ” and I think it has to do with her height.” I think Ubah’s suggesting that Sai is, shall we say, “vertically challenged.”
Sai’s tagline: “In New York, there’s a lot of bad apples, but I’m the baddest of the bunch.”
Ubah Hassan, Columbus Circle Model/Entrepreneur
“Ubah is vivacious,” said Erin.
“Ubah’s, like, larger than life,” added Brynn. “She could be in another borough, and you can [still] hear her.”
Describing herself in Swahili, the Somali native said, “Ubah’s the kid that’s very pretty.”
Ubah’s tagline: “The secret ingredient? Darling, it’s me.”
Erin Lichy, Tribeca Realtor/Interior Designer
“Erin likes to run the f***ing show,” Jessel claimed about her cast mate.
“Erin is a true New Yorker,” added Ubah. “She’s a straight-shooter, she’s straightforward.”
Brynn said, “Erin’s that friend that you laugh your ass off every time you’re together.”
Erin’s tagline: “I’m a true New Yorker. The only bull I’ll take is by the horns.”
“We’re so eclectic and different,” Erin summed up the new ladies of New York, “but we have so much fun together. If you’re looking for the real representation of New York, this is us.”
Playdate at Sai’s
At Sai’s house, her children, London, 11, and Rio, five, are on their electronic devices, when their mom tells them, “We’re about to have a play date, and Brynn is coming over, too. And Jessel’s coming over with the boys, okay?”
Omg, Sai has a cute dog, too: Yoshi.
Sai’s a Brooklyn girl through and through. “Everything that I had growing up is so different than for the family that I created now,” she said. “I would just walk down tree-lined blocks in Brooklyn and look through the homes and think, ‘How do they live here?'”
“Sometimes I see people looking through my brownstone,” she added, “and lo and behold, look at me now.”
Brynn considers Sai to be 100% “one of my best friends. I just like going to her house, because it’s like that’s what I want. Like, she’s living the life that I want. It’s perfect … Should I kill her and take her life?” Kidding!
Meanwhile, Jessel was in the car with her mom Nilam and her twin toddlers, Kai and Rio (copycat!). According to Jessel, “They’re the human form of coffee. They do not sit still for not one second.” I actually really enjoyed my son at that age, but I can’t imagine having two at the same time.
“Sai’s kids, I’m like, my ovaries are flipping,” Brynn confessed, “I’m ready to get knocked up yesterday. [But] Jessel’s kids, I’m like, ‘Eh.'” That’s the way it works, honey. You’ve got to survive the tough part when they’re fussy babies and crazy toddlers before you can enjoy the actual (hopefully) pleasant humans they eventually turn into.
Jenna comes to Jessel’s
At Jessel’s chic Chelsea apartment, everything is white. Doesn’t Jessel have children? Who has white furniture with toddlers in the house? That’s just inviting disaster.
Jessel’s husband Pavit innocently walked through the room. “Pavit, like, when you see fingerprints on tables and stuff,” she asked him, “can you just clean it up? ‘Cause, like, it just accumulates.” Yup, that’s what happens when you have kids. They touch stuff with their dirty little fingers all the time.
“Every time we see something, we clean, Jessel,” said her mom, who’s visiting from London to help out with the kids.
“Then how come nothing looks clean?” Because you have children, dear. They’re adorable, but they’re grubby little mess-makers.
Pavit sat at the table and opened his laptop, but Jessel wasn’t having it. “Isn’t there somewhere else you can work?” she asked. Apparently, she has friends coming and can’t have her hubby working at the table.
Jenna arrived and it must have been her first visit to Jessel’s because she exclaimed about how pretty it was, before telling Pavit, “I’ve heard many nice things about you. Not from [Jessel], by the way.” Ha ha.
Jenna and Jessel were looking forward to a party Jenna was having at her place on Friday night. They’re hoping it will be a pleasant evening and not a repeat of “Cheesegate,” when Sai turned her nose up at the cheese on Erin’s charcuterie board, calling it “weird.” And that’s all I can say about that ridiculous subject because I refuse to recap a fight about cheese.
Erin’s Shabbat dinner with her family
Erin has three children, but she also has a white apartment. She also has a housekeeper and a sister to help her out.
“Most people would think raising three kids in New York City is crazy and I’m a lunatic,” Erin said. “But the trick to parenting is figuring out ways for your kids to leave you the f*ck alone. That’s why we buy a million toys, arts and crafts, like, how do I get my kids to not talk to me for a couple of hours?” Sounds like a great plan.
Even though she was born and raised in Manhattan, she grew up in a big Israeli family, and they cook a lot. Her whole family has come to her apartment for Shabbat dinner.
“We are a very close family,” Erin shared. “We literally talk maybe ten times a day.”
Erin’s three beautiful children are Levi, seven, Layla, five, and Elijah, two. In the middle of dinner, Erin’s youngest, little Elijah, shuffles into the room with his pants around his ankles, announcing, “I have poop.” Everybody laughs. Just a day in the life of a family with small children.
Getting ready for Jenna’s party
Jenna used to work for J.Crew, where every Friday they dressed according to a theme. So Jenna’s having a get-together for the girls and has asked everyone to wear either black, khaki (which Jessel pronounces as “cocky”), metal or leopard print. Erin phoned Jessel, who was trying to decide what to wear.
And once again, they started with the Cheesegate thing. I just can’t. Erin says it never happened. Evidently, it was Brynn who brought it up at Sai’s.
“That is so obnoxious of Brynn,” Erin said. “Like, she literally makes sh*t up.”
“Bryn and I definitely have an up-and-down relationship,” Erin admitted in a confessional. “We have the most fun together, but I just feel, like, Brynn is just such a sh*t stirrer.”
Jessel urged Erin to hash it out with Brynn at Jenna’s party. Ugh. That sounds like an argument in the making.
“She can apologize,” Erin told Jessel, “and then we’ll hash it out.”
Jenna’s J.Crew-themed party
At Jenna’s, the table was laid with candles and party snacks. I don’t see a charcuterie board anywhere, thankfully. Jenna’s chef/friend Brandon is feeding cheese to her adorable chihuahua Popeye. He’s so cute (the dog), and I immediately hear Olive Oyl’s voice in my head, “Oh, Popeye!”
Jenna left her job at J.Crew in order to spend more time with her son Beckett, 15. “I have joint custody, so I haven’t really hosted people in my home in a really long time,” Jenna said.
Uh, oh, I spoke too soon. There’s a beautiful cheese plate sitting on the counter. “I mean, with cheese,” Jenna added, “it’s the perfect conversation piece … It’s kind of a hot-button issue.”
“I’m well aware that there’s been some ‘cheese tension,'” Jenna confessed. “Like, cheese is my friend. And it’s my house.” Go, Jenna. And she’s serving fondue! I haven’t seen fondue since the 70s! Yummy!!!
Erin arrived via private elevator, apologizing that she’s come empty-handed, but Jenna said it’s fine. She has plenty of food.
“Jenna’s a new friend,” Erin voiceovered. “Most girls in this group think that Jenna Lyons is a total enigma. She does weird, like, quirky things … She’s a little bit of an oddball.”
“Guess what we’re having!” Jenna told Erin. “Cheese! And fondue!”
“Yeah, cheese platter,” Erin agreed. “It’s what people do. It’s not weird.”
As more guests arrived, Sai commented, “There’s so much cheese at Jenna’s house. It’s everywhere: it’s on the table, it’s fondue.” You can never have too much cheese. I love all of it.
Brynn’s scared to face Erin
The last to arrive at Jenna’s party was Brynn, who admitted to Jenna that she was scared. Apparently, she and Sai ditched a dinner with Erin and went somewhere else because the restaurant Erin chose wasn’t chic enough for them. And Brynn was dumb enough to post on social media about it. Sai already admitted her guilt and apologized to Erin, but Brynn is afraid to face her.
“I’m just literally so scared right now,” Brynn confessed. “I think Erin takes a lot of things personally. The only thing at this point that is comforting me is the fact that I don’t think that Erin will commit any sort of crime or homicide in Jenna Lyon’s home.” Just admit you were wrong and apologize. That’s all you have to do.
Like a spider studying the fly struck in her web, Erin took her time with Brynn. “I am not going to get into it with Brynn immediately,” she voiceovered. “I’m gonna give it some time. I’m gonna eat some cheese. And then I’m gonna f*ck her up.” Seriously? Just let it go, girls. It’s not that important.
All conversations lead to Cheesegate
In order to avoid the curse of small talk, which Jenna claimed is her “kryptonite,” she passed out envelopes with everyone’s name on them. “I don’t know everyone equally as well, so this game is like … my get out of jail free card.”
Each woman’s card contained a question devised to stimulate conversation, mostly about sexual subjects: what’s your ideal porn, are you submissive in bed, what are you addicted to, etc.
When Ubah’s love of bananas brings up the subject of diarrhea (I know, gross!), Brynn accused Erin of having “diarrhea of the mouth,” prompting Erin to fire back, “No, you actually have diarrhea of the mouth, because I had a cheese platter and you decided to tell [Sai] a stupid, silly story.”
“Oh, yeah,” Sai agreed. “That was a f*cking asshole move.”
“What was the asshole move?” Erin asked. “Serving cheese?”
“No, what you said about me,” Sai answered.
“But I didn’t say that,” Erin told her. “It wasn’t true. [Brynn] was lying.”
As the three-way argument continued in circles, Ubah recognized the elephant in the room. “It’s mind-boggling to me. These girls are fighting over cheese!” Exactly. Ubah and I are on the same page.
“This has got to be the stupidest thing,” Sai interjected. “I love cheese!”
As the cheesy squabble persisted, Jenna also saw how ridiculous it was. “Who in their right mind wants to drop the conversation about sex and talk about cheese? Like, no.”
Finally, Jenna told her guests, “I love you all. Let’s move on.” I think that’s a gouda idea.
Brynn’s convinced she’s going to die
But Erin’s not done with Brynn and suggests that they take their conversation private. “Let’s go talk,” she told Brynn. “Let’s go finish this off.”
“Are you like afraid?” Erin asked Brynn. “Come.”
“Bitch, I’m not afraid,” Brynn claimed, but yeah, she was terrified.
“As I’m marching through the corridor of Jenna Lyons’ house,” Brynn interviewed, “[I feel like I’m] marching to my death.” So yeah, scared to death. But then Brynn got distracted by all the beautiful things in Jenna’s home. “Focus, focus. You’re gonna die … Oh, it’s so pretty! What is that? Look at the crown molding. Oh, my God!”
Back in the living room, Jenna was saying, “I can’t talk about cheese for another second.” I’m right there with you, girl. I was tired of this subject the first time they brought it up. I didn’t think we were going to have to discuss it ad infinitum.
Back in Jenna’s bedroom, Erin assured Brynn that she wasn’t offended about the cheese. “The issue, though, that I have with you,” Erin continued, “I don’t like the wishy-washy thing. I felt like you decided who you were gonna align yourself with, and then you got weird with me. And you did.”
Finally, they came to the conclusion that they should just move on and hugged it out. Brynn realized that it wasn’t about the cheese, it was more about Erin “wanting to spend quality time” with her.
For her part, Erin admitted, “It’s hard to stay mad at Brynn. She’s fun, she’s sweet, she’s bubbly.”
Brynn and Erin ended the night with a bonding moment, trying on clothes and shoes from Jenna’s closet. “Let’s see if she notices [we’re wearing her clothes],” Brynn said.
It was all fun and games until the sequins and the lace jacket went in for a hug, and, to Jenna’s horror, the two friends got stuck together like velcro.
Real Housewives of New York City Season 14 continues Sundays at 9/8c on Bravo.
TELL US – WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE NEW CAST? IS ANYBODY ELSE SUDDENLY CRAVING A NICE WEDGE OF BRIE?
