Scandoval captivated the world like no other Bravo drama before. As Vanderpump Rules Season 10 reached mythical levels of television, it’s no wonder the internet began fancasting a Scandoval movie. Sure, many cast members have acting ambitions, but let’s just say some can’t convincingly play themselves (cough, Tom Sandoval‘s crying scene, cough cough). After giving it possibly too much thought, we’ve come up with a cast who could do this story justice.
Ariana Madix
Ariana Madix will be the role of a lifetime for any actress (and she’s herself an actress, but let’s not put her through it again). Florence Pugh seems to be a popular choice, due to her breakout role as a woman getting revenge on her bad boyfriend in Midsommar. Brie Larson, who hasn’t had a chance to show off her dramatic chops in some time, certainly looks like Ariana.
Elizabeth Olsen’s performance in WandaVision shows she could pull off Ariana’s grief, rage, and ultimate rise from the ashes better than anyone. Just imagine her line readings of “I regret ever loving you” or “I hope Charlotte haunts you.” Frankly, they should engrave the Oscar right now.
Raquel Leviss
How do you cast someone like Raquel Leviss, an enigma with loads of identity issues and no conscience? The role needs an actor who can go from meek and sweet to scary and diabolical in an instant.
If anyone can pull off a character like that, it’s chameleon scream queen Mia Goth. Just look at her tour-de-force performance as Pearl, the seemingly naive farm girl who holds some very, very dark secrets and wants to be famous more than anything. Plus, Mia’s already got that Bambi-eyed stare.
Tom Sandoval
Honestly, Tom Sandoval was the most difficult role to cast. Cole Sprouse has the right look and attitude, but he’s too young (lest we forget, Sandoval is in his forties). Ryan Gosling would be hilarious, but he’s too charming and likable.
Ultimately, for our Scandoval movie dream casting we went with Adam Driver. Maybe that’s because Sandoval’s finale conversation with Ariana reminded us of Marriage Story. But can’t you just picture him getting defensive over wearing white nail polish? He certainly has experience playing villains. Also, have you seen how funny he is hosting SNL? His comedy skills will come in handy for recreating Tom Sandoval & The Most Extras concerts.
Tom Schwartz
The role of Tom Schwartz needs someone who will act like a puppy dog to hide the fact that he’s actually quite a jerk. The actor in question also needs to do a perfect recreation of his disastrous Watch What Happens Live appearance (Andy Cohen and John Owen Lowe can play themselves).
Evan Peters’ boyish good looks and charm made him a top celebrity crush, no matter how horrible his American Horror Story characters were. After playing serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer, he’d be perfect as Schwartz.
Katie Maloney
Whoever plays Katie Maloney needs to capture her “call it like I see it” attitude and cutting remarks. Enter Mila Kunis, who is always great at playing sharp-tongued women.
As Jackie on That 70’s Show, her character was stuck in a relationship with a dopey good looking guy who cheated on her a lot. Sounds pretty familiar to Katie! Actually, Mila’s husband Ashton Kutcher could also play Schwartz, but he may not be menacing enough.
Scheana Shay
Scheana Shay is the most over-the-top in the Vanderpump Rules cast, which is really saying something. Whoever plays her has to be larger than life. So, what about one of the biggest stars in the world?
In addition to her skills as an actress, Lady Gaga is so expressive, she’s been made into gifs and reaction images her whole career. She would nail (no talon pun intended) Scheana’s incredible facial expressions in that trailer during the reunion.
And speaking of those nails, Gaga has often talked about how much she loves Marisa Tomei’s performance in My Cousin Vinny. Scheana’s explanation of not being able to make a fist was essentially the VPR equivalent of that movie’s witness stand scene. Also, we’d kill to hear Gaga’s cover of Good As Gold.
Lala Kent
Lala Kent had a public feud with a certain Oscar winner a few years ago. Frankly, we hope they’ve made amends, because Jennifer Lawerence could really give them Lala.
JLaw is a celebrity Bravo superfan, who already hates Sandoval as much as Lala does. Keep in mind, most of her Oscar-winning and nominated roles included a lot of scenes where she yelled insults.
DJ James Kennedy
As great as Jon Hamm’s James Kennedy impression was, Daniel Radcliffe would be just as hilarious.
Anyone who could play Weird Al absolutely has the right kind of energy for the DJ who once called himself White Kanye West. And it would add a fun meta touch to the Season 10 reunion moment where Ariana mocks Raquel for liking Harry Potter.
Ally Lewber
James Kennedy’s girlfriend, Ally Lewber, was a refreshing addition to the cast this year. She’s already shown potential to be a Vanderpump Rules all-timer.
She’d be perfectly matched by rising star Rachel Zegler, who has that same down-to-earth personality and natural charisma.
Charli Burnett
Fan favorite Charli Burnett always leaves viewers wanting more, due to her one-liners, amazing looks, and no-bs attitude.
Between Riverdale and the Netflix movie, Do Revenge, Camilla Mendes has perfected that kind of role.
Lisa Vanderpump
This one’s pretty obvious to us. Lisa Vanderpump already reminds us of legendary British star Jane Seymour. If Schwartz reveals he’s into Lisa because he had a crush on Doctor Quinn Medicine Woman, we wouldn’t be surprised.
Also, since this is dream casting, imagine someone like Mick Jagger popping in to play Ken Todd for one scene, just to say, “I can’t believe Tom Sandoval had Raquel over while Ariana’s away…in the ja-jacuzzi.”
Kristen Doute
Some fired cast members used Scandoval to launch comebacks, but the only one who is really relevant to the story is Kristen Doute. We also think a Scandoval movie has to include flashbacks of the Season 2 love triangle for important context.
Maybe it’s just because she and Elizabeth Olsen played frenemies before, but we think Aubrey Plaza could perfectly convey both the chaos of early seasons “Krazy Kristen” and the witchy zen Kristen who returned in Season 10.
Satchel
It’s gotta be Timothee Chalamet. Come on. There’s no other answer.
TELL US – WHO WOULD YOU CAST IN THE SCANDOVAL MOVIE? WHAT DO YOU THINK OF OUR PICKS?
