Last night’s Below Deck Mediterranean was a delight, let me tell you! When the Queen of Versailles comes on board everything must be top notch. Let the commoners eat leftover cake. Literally.
Sirocco is a ship of change and fools. The number one fool being Joao Franco who could only keep his dark side hidden for so long. All those tears he cried to Captain Sandy Yawn about being a changed man were swiftly undone by a few errant shots of vodka. Jezabob returns and comes out swinging! YUCK.
First Joao starts with Anastasia Surmava. In Joao’s esteemed opinion beacuse Anastasia is not a 7-star chef she had no business accepting the promotion. OK, exactly what is a 7-star chef and what type of professional of this caliber would be working on a reality TV charter yacht for people like Jackie Siegel? [Crickets]
Joao’s problem is that Anastasia “thought with her ego” instead of considering what’s best for the entire crew. Isn’t Joao thinking with his ego every time he berates Jack Stirrup for being lazy? (OK, not really a great example, but still I just can’t stand this guy!)
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Unfortunately, Hannah Ferrier secretly agrees with Joao. Hannah is annoyed that she’s forced to train a new third stew. Although I do understand Hannah’s legitimate concern that a new stew concurring with a new charter could quickly turn into a nightmare. Still the way Hannah treats the new stew signals that the old self-involved Hannah is back, just like the old Joao is!
Then Joao calls Aesha Scott “whorish and disgusting” for bumping and grinding with Jack. Aesha handled this amazingly well because I would’ve ripped Joao’s second face right off for speaking to me like that. Instead she just looked sad for a second then went about her merry way. But Jack has not forgotten and Jack vows to seek vengeance by making Joao’s life miserable. Also, this coming from Joao who was two-timing women last season. Who’s whorish and disgusting, again?!
Lastly, Joao starts with Travis Michalzik and it nearly gets physical before Jack intervenes. Poor Colin Macy-O’Toole was so scared! All these people are speaking with their strange accents and he can’t even understand their growling and hissing and spitting – he just wants to go home to a place where people eat things he can pronounce, like “Spaghetti.”
And poor Travis. He had just been having a great time flirting his ass off with Hannah. Jezabob is clearly jealous that everyone watched his antics last season and wouldn’t touch his pole with blow up doll!
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The next morning Joao doesn’t remember the specifics, but he knows his behavior was bad. Joao also knows he’s in trouble deep with this crew. Colin warns him that it wasn’t good. To make up for it Joao lets Jack and Travis sleep in until 10am! Joao also decides he should stop drinking if he wants the deckhands to respect him. Oh, is that all he has to do?
Once Jack rolls out of bed and leisurely fries some sausages, Joao hands him a Post-It note with a list of chores. Which totally reminded me of the time Carrie Bradshaw got dumped via sticky note. Joao is just washing his hands of the entire situation with as much disconnect as possible. It’s probably the best approach! Jack decides he’ll spend all day, until the very moment the guests arrive, working on his list. But he does a great job!
To his credit, Joao also apologizes to Aesha. Who forgives him. But just this once. Travis, on the other hand, is going to keep it cordial and professional but in the back of his mind he’s waiting for Joao to slip again. Travis possibly might even give him that extra push to position himself as being promoted to boson. Diabolical! (And I love it.)
All of this is happening right as the new third stew June Foster arrives. June is from Arizona, but her father was a chef so she’s lived all over America, and has spent the last few months working charters in France, pretending that everyone there speaks English. Just like another little friend we know named Colin!
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June is also gorgeous! Hannah immediately doesn’t like June, and decides there’s something ‘off’ about her. Especially the way June reacts when Hannah asks if she has a boyfriend. Since Hannah is pissed about having to train someone new while also dealing with the charter guests she basically ignores June and leaves her to her own devices (re: hoping she’ll screw up so Hannah can berate her).
Or maybe Hannah genuinely does not have time because then Sandy calls them in for a preference sheet meeting and announces that Jackie wants blow-up dolls brought on board to celebrate her stepson’s 30something birthday party. Oh and his wife will also be there. All trash, no class out of America’s French queen of excess. Hannah is visibly disgusted by Jackie’s ostentatious lifestyle and arrogance, and even more so once Jackie arrives. Seriously though – blow up dolls for your stepson is beyond weird.
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Hilariously with June’s dad being a chef maybe she can start assisting in the kitchen instead of Travis. Then Hannah would lose TWO third stews to the galley. Not to be confused with the gallows which is where Jack got his humor and Jackie Siegel got her entire life.
Colin is immediately smitten with June. Mostly because she speaks this American English stuff so they can like understand each other by having long talks about Walmart, Budweiser, and how Little Debbie never won a James Beard award for Twinkies, or the amazing nuanced dialogue of CSI: Miami. Colin is seeing stars and this time it’s not from hitting his head after falling in the tender.
Anastasia has a bad feeling about this charter. Maybe it’s nerves; maybe it’s hangover, maybe it’s Joao’s comments, but she’s just not feeling settled and she can’t figure out why. I’m just shocked we saw Anastasia shopping for REAL food in a French market. Like no CheezeWhiz left behind by Mila instead of fresh cheese?!
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Minutes after coming on board, Jackie invites herself into the crow’s nest because no one has unpacked her yet. Um, who does Jackie think she is: Ramona Singer? Instead of Taj (rhymes with rage) Aesha is forced to sort through Jackie’s lace unmentionables. Then Jackie begins complaining about the boat having stairs… As if Jackie has literally forgotten how these things work. Do her legs still move in that motion?
Despite Anastasia’s worry, everyone loved her Mediterranean lunch spread. I’m sure it was amazing but I was more focused on the step-son’s wife swimsuit. WTF was the Stripping With The Stars costume she wore? To go on a three-story water slide!? It was like 19 pounds of glued on rhinestones that Hannah was itching to snatch off and repurpose into a centerpiece. Instead the centerpiece for the formal dinner will be rubber inflatable sex toys.
Colin got his first education in the private parts of the opposite sex when Joao shoved a package of “Russian Love Dolls” (which Jack instantly names “Mila“) and asks him to blow them up. Using his mouth. You just know Colin told his mommy about this experience and she filed a sexual harassment claim with OSHA.
Realizing that Hannah can’t be bothered with June, Aesha takes the new girl under her wing for cabins. June isn’t entirely confident, though, and seems to sense this could be a trap in which Hannah then storms in and demands she do it differently. After all every chief stew has her own requirements. For the moment, Hannah’s seems to be making sure Anastasia still sees herself as Hannah’s underling – not the chef – and for the time being Anastasia is still respecting the status quo.
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But after another successful meal, Anastasia’s confidence is growing. This time Anastasia served lamb. Jackie had requested mint jelly on the side, but Anastasia can’t work Google under the sea and didn’t know what it was so she salvaged things with a mint yogurt sauce which even Jackie agreed was better. Of course the blow-up bonanza was a HUGE success — according to Jackie. But the son, and especially his wife, looked considerably less enthused.
But someone was happy! Actually two people. Jack decides to ask Aesha on a date and to make it less weird proposes that Travis also ask Hannah out to make it a double. After dinner service, they call the unsuspecting girls up to the crows nest and pop the question. Aesha is overjoyed. Hannah says ‘yes’ with reservations, but is secretly pleased. And Travis… he looks like he has even MORE reservations. #RunTravisRun #CallConrad
After spending hours wandering around wondering where time went as she scrubbed cabins with these ziplock bags full of lace scraps that she found, June is famished. No one even let her know when the crew eats, or where, or what. So she literally inhales an entire leftover abandoned cake while standing in the crew mess wearing PJs. Hannah catches her and poor June is forced to admit that she ate the cake. All the cake. Hey – June is my kinda girl. Cake is my Achilles heel and the reason I’ll never be back to my pre-baby weight again.
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Jackie’s most annoying request wasn’t food from Mila’s pantry of American pre-made concoctions, or inflatable dinner guests, but a picnic on the top of Eze, an ancient fortress on top of a mountain. A strange request for a gal who doesn’t do steps, because Jackie DOES realize that they didn’t have elevators in the Middle Ages, right? Or maybe she expects a crane to deposit her there? Or for Joao to carry her up the mountain top on a litter?
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Literally minutes after breakfast ends at 11am, when everyone is planning for a 2pm picnic with 1 pm departure, Jackie wanders into the galley to talk endlessly about the food, and then drops it on Hannah that they want to leave the boat by noon to walk around town and eat lunch no later than 1. Aesha and June had already been packing up some of the supplies. Hannah is in a tailspin and doesn’t double-check the provisions. While the crew is running around like chickens with their heads cut off, Jackie and her party sit on the starboard complaining that they want to leave NOW. Literally.
Colin tenders the guests to Eze, then returns to pick up the supplies. Hannah sends Aesha and June to set up and serve the picnic. Joao trusts only himself and Colin to do the job of bringing the supplies. And what a job it is! The trek to Eze is ruinous. A treacherous climb with the crew treated like mountain goats hauling chairs, and tables, and linens, and dishes, and booze, and food… but, not silverware! All the way at the top, Aesha realizes they have no cutlery and they’re not sure why it isn’t packed. Even though June told Hannah she had already put in the bag!
Aesha races down to the tender to radio Hannah to have someone bring it over, but Hannah’s not answering … because Captain Sandy chose that time to have the remaining crew ‘practice’ using all the water toys and jet skis as part of a so-called training exercise. So while Jackie might be forced to eat with her fingers, Hannah is frolicking in the water, posing for swimsuit selfies, and flirting with Travis. See — Jack has it right: sometimes it pays to be lazy!
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TELL US – IS JUNE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE FORGOTTEN CUTLERY? IS HANNAH BEING RUDE TO THE NEW STEW?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
