If someone would’ve told me that Ricky would turn out to be the mastermind player of this season’s 90 Day Fiance: Before The 90 Days crew, I would have laughed straight in their face. Yet somehow, our boy Ricky pulled a straight up Keyser Soze on us last night when he revealed his backup plan for being catfished by Melissa. Because, yo: HE HAS ANOTHER CHICK ON STANDBY! And after witnessing Ricky’s shrewd move to replace Melissa with Ximena (pronounced “Hemena”) as his love interest for the remainder of his time in Colombia, I guess he deserves a slow clap. Or a slap in the face? Maybe both.
We pick up with Ricky contemplating his trip to Colombia thus far, which has amounted to a 12-minute “date” with Melissa the prostitute, followed by a full day of fanny packing it around the city, solo. It’s finally dawned on Ricky that he’s been dumped by the woman of his dreams, a person who he’s been sending money to, and who he fully expected to propose to on this trip. Remember that ring? Yeah, he still has it. But hey – why not just give that thing to somebody else? Ricky has an idea, guys.
He tells us that he hasn’t been totally honest with his friends and family. In fact, he’s been pretty much lying this entire time, claiming that Melissa was “the one.” As it turns out, Ricky has also been communicating with another eligible bachelorette on Colombian Cupid, and she’s driving to meet his trifling ass tonight! One problem – Ximena (who actually looks like a real, human woman in her photos) thinks Ricky made this trip for her. She has no idea that she’s simply a backup plan. And she won’t be finding this news out anytime soon.
Upon her arrival, Ricky greets Ximena with rose petals, three bottles of wine, chocolates, and a huge sh*t-eating grin. He’s also strapped on some platform shoes for the occasion. As soon as he sees Ximena, he’s all, Melissa? Melissa WHO? Ximena is totally into getting U.S. citizenship from him, even bringing him a gift to show her appreciation. She’s so into Ricky, in fact, that she invites Ricky to share a bed with her during their first night together.
Ricky plays dumb, as if this is all SO unexpected. He’s like, gorsh! She wants to be intimate with me? Okay…I guess. Cut to Ricky closing the bedroom door and pouncing on Ximena, who better be okay with playing second fiddle to a grifting teenager with braces.
Do we have to go back to this couple’s nightmare? Don’t make us do it! Haven’t we suffered ENOUGH? <single tear> Okay, fine! Let’s do this. Darcey is excited to have her daughters over for dinner later, especially because Jesse hit it off so well with them during their boat tour in NYC. Despite Darcey continually referring to Jesse as her children’s potential new daddy, we already know Jesse has no intention of becoming a “Step Farter.” (Listen – that’s what I heard, and I’m sticking to it.)
After they bicker at home for a while, Jesse and Darcey head to the grocery store to pick up steaks and fixins’. Darcey loves how “involved” Jesse is in the shopping, and Jesse loves to remind everyone – including the butcher – that he is much younger than this 4-foot tall woman trailing him around the store.
After they pick up the girls later, everyone is getting along just fine. Until (isn’t there always an “until” with these two?) Darcey starts micromanaging Jesse’s cooking. But he doesn’t want to be instructed about how to cut steaks by this pizza-folding heathen! So finally, after bitterly sniping at each other while freely wielding knives everywhere, Jesse just marches out of the house like an overgrown toddler. He shall sit on the porch and post half-naked selfies on Instagram! He shall run his fingers through his serial-killer haircut in despair! And also, he shall stay out there all through dinner, apparently. Darcey calls him immature.
Groan. Another dinner destroyed, courtesy of Jesse and Darcey’s bullsh*t relationship, which is so toxic at this point, we practically need a hazmat suit to witness it. At least Darcey has her daughters, who see Jesse as the lone bad guy in this situation. It’ll take a few more years and some marathon 90DF binge watching for these girls to realize the part their mom plays in this nightmare. Hopefully, at that point, Jesse will have returned to his home coffin country.
Rachel and Jon head out to meet his friends, Daniel and Jack, who are all suited up for the occasion and ready to spill the dirt on their bro, Jon. They’re polite and cordial to Rachel, who they think is a sweet girl, but fumble around hilariously when she grills them about Jon’s past. What have his past girlfriends been like? What’s up with Jon’s arrest record? Did you ever see him fight?
The friends squirm around, not knowing exactly what to say. Then in an instant, they kind of just think “f**k it” and admit that Jon is basically a womanizer who’s punched a sh*t ton of people – although he’s never technically started a fight, they add. “Jon’s burnt himself out in England,” they cackle. “He’s had to go across the pond!”
But now Jon is allegedly some sort of janky karaoke-app singer who seems to have ALL the feelings, so maybe he’s reformed? Rachel certainly hopes so. She also hopes that Mother Jon is taking care of baby Lucy back home since she left her there with instructions to “give her a bottle if she cries hard for ten minutes.” #ParentingGoals
In the end, Daniel and Jack sum it up best: “He’s an absolute mental case.”
During a walk later along the city’s waterfront, Rachel confronts Jon about his past. She needs details, and she needs assurance that his fighting days are behind him. Jon confesses that he’s been in multiple physical fights (telling the cameras that it’s actually been at least FIFTY!) and that he seriously injured one man back in University, which resulted in him being kicked out of school.
“I’ve paid massively for it,” says Jon. Um, so did the guy who lost an eye, I’d imagine. (Allegedly! We don’t know about the eye, but I’m gonna go ahead and bet money that there was some permanent damage involved.) Despite learning these unpleasant details, Rachel still believes Jon is her true unblinking love, and that he’ll be the perfect father to Lucy, who she’s already handed over to his care. Jon just hopes Rachel can trust him. Meanwhile, I hope that the dude with the eye injury got a nice payout. Damn!
It’s mere days before the wedding, yet Paul and Karine are still sadly, RIDICULOUSLY speaking through a translator app. I don’t know whether Siri has facilitated this much arguing between persons of separate languages before, but I feel like she/it should be given some kind of title credit this season for playing a major role.
As they sit at an outdoor cafe, Karine complains that Paul is an angry person who “shuts down” when they disagree. Desperate to wed the only woman who will have him, Paul/Siri swears he’ll change. Karine seems to accept this answer, even though she hasn’t seen any evidence of change during the past year (two years?) that she’s known this dude. I mean, he is still fully capable of running into the forest should a machete attack arise, and we all know it.
Despite these empty promises, Karine decides to tell her parents the hardcore truth when they all meet up for lunch. At the table (this time with a human translator in tow) she breaks down in tears, confessing aloud that Paul is basically an angry, controlling creep who yells at her, gives her the silent treatment, and has forced her to shut down all of her social media. Wait – no mention of the endless pregnancy tests? C’mon Karine – serve it up straight!
Mother and Father Karine are not happy to hear this. They ask if Karine is rushing into things, scared that marrying Paul will spell a lifetime of misery for their daughter. Mother Karine also astutely points out the obvious: THEY CAN’T EVEN COMMUNICATE IN THE SAME LANGUAGE! So, how are they supposed to work on their relationship? It seems doomed.
But, nevermind! Because apparently Karine is marching toward the altar anyway. As she shops for wedding gowns the next day, she repeatedly tells the cameras how freaked out she is, and poor Mother Karine looks like she’s about to pull a Not Without My Daughter and smuggle Karine out of the Amazon to avoid her dismal fate. In fact, she breaks down in tears (which felt very real and very sad), begging Karine to make a smart decision. “I hope you will be happy,” she cries, looking at a visibly depressed Karine in her wedding dress. “But if you aren’t, please come back to me!” Oh my god, you guys – this is actually breaking my heart.
Paul assures Karine later that he will, indeed, become a new Paul – Paul 2.0! What choice does Karine have but to believe him if she wants to escape her life? She/Siri must make the decision to either 1) live in poverty for the remainder of her days, or 2) marry a man who swims in trash bags and carries hairballs around in his dirty windbreaker. It’s a total bummer, no matter how you hack it up with a machete.
Speaking of bummers, Angela is not pleased to hear that her fashion choices in Nigeria are appropriate. Heart-shaped sweat stains notwithstanding. As they get ready to meet Michael’s friends for drinks, Michael tells Angela that she needs to “cover up” more. Her cleavage-baring tank tops are a no-go in his culture. Angela is incensed, claiming that “this don’t look like a hooch where I come from!” – a line that is instantly iconic, and practically begging for a t-shirt. (I’d like to order twelve, please! #ThanksEtsy)
In an effort to quell the Angela storm, Michael nobly picks up a flat iron and attempts to straighten Angela’s mane. She glares at him, then gets into argument #2 when he agrees that not having children is actually a sad thing to contemplate. Where did this topic of conversation even come from? WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE?!?
After they scarf down cold pizza in the car, Angela and Michael arrive at the bar. Angela sits with her cell phone stuffed into her cleavage, hair afrizz, ready to grill Michael’s friends about his past. Soon enough, Michael’s friends show up, greet Angela without bursting into laughter, and sit down with these looks on their faces:
Suffice to say, these dudes’ expressions are ALL of us as we witness the scene before us. Angela immediately asks them how many girlfriends Michael has had? Does he have any side-pieces now? Why is he following so many “beautiful, young women” on social media? Michael’s friends have no words, except to say that Mike is a good person.
One friend, David, speaks up to turn the tables on Angela, though. He tells her flat out that Nigerian men like to be in charge, and she’s not letting Michael take the lead. “That’s not gonna happen!” cackles Angela, smoking a cig, then excusing herself to pee.
Michael is left behind to get verbally b*tch-slapped by his wise friends. Sure, he admits that “Angela is very masculine,” but “she’s going to provide for me – make me very comfortable.” And there we have it, folks: Michael’s plan is laid bare. He’s 100% pulling an Anfisa/Hazel, and making no bones about it. Unfortunately for him, this master plan will include being pinned to a mattress thrice nightly and eating pre-chewed snails out of his betrothed’s mouth.
Sometime later, Michael takes Angela to a nature preserve, where the animals of Lagos can witness Angela up close and personal. In front of their tour guide, Angela starts bickering with Michael once again. She wants Michael to understand that she’ll never be the subservient one in their relationship and that his communication with her needs to improve. Although Michael fundamentally disagrees with everything Angela is saying, he’s not about to kill his dreams of meeting President Trump now. So he apologizes, waiting for Hurricane Angela to calm down. He’s playing a long game, this one.
It’s the night we’ve been waiting for! Tarik and Hazel are wearing matching mesh shirts, and it’s everything I dreamed this moment could be. Okay, some other stuff happened too, but seriously – shouldn’t this be enough? (Thank you TLC, you are too good to us.) Tarik is nervous because his brother, Dean, has arrived in the Philippines, and he knows that a smackdown is right around the corner. I am nervous because this situation is happening when Tarik goes in for a kiss:
Before they meet Dean, Hazel admits she’s nervous. Tarik has warned her that Dean is aggressive, opinionated, and thinks she is a con artist who’s just using him to get a green card. Um…all of which is true. “Don’t worry, I’ve got your back,” consoles Tarik, as he drags Hazel into the restaurant later. She tries not to dry heave.
After they meet, Dean wastes no time in questioning Hazel’s intentions. Does she still have another boyfriend? Where is her child? Why did she give up custody? Wouldn’t a good parent try to keep their child at any cost? How can Hazel be “in love” with a man in a mesh shirt she just met?
Stunned, Hazel just sits in silence, eyes cast downward. “Can’t she SPEAK?!?” yells Dean, which instantly causes Hazel to erupt into sobs. Tarik tries to comfort her as Dean marches out of the restaurant, incensed that Hazel wouldn’t answer him and that Tarik is acting like a clueless fool. Okay – sure, Dean’s delivery is AWFUL. But for real, this crazy man does have a point, doesn’t he?
Tarik doesn’t see it that way though, saying that his decision to bring Dean to the Philippines was a total mistake. Now as he watches Hazel run away down the street into darkness, he wonders how he can fix it.
“A straight-up person can answer a straight up question!” barks Dean afterward, letting the camera crew know that he’s clearly not done questioning this relationship. However, let’s hope he is done allowing Tarik go out in public with that f**king shirt on anymore.
TELL US: WAS DEAN OUT OF LINE OR DOES HE HAVE A POINT? WILL MICHAEL SUCCESSFULLY CATFISH HIS WAY TO THE U.S.? IS RACHEL A FOOL TO OVERLOOK JON’S CRIMINAL PAST? IS RICKY THE BIGGEST PLAYER OF ALL? HOW CAN WE HELP KARINE’S MOM SAVE HER?!?
Photo Credit: TLC
