Last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County redefined naked wasted. It was the Golden Girls meets The Hangover and Tamra Judge baptized herself in tequila and got a broken foot for her sins.
I apologize in advance if this recap makes no sense – I guzzled two glasses of wine to cope with the second-hand embarrassment of all the shenanigans and now I feel like Tamra in a hot tub at 2 am: completely lacking in judgement and doing slip and sad reminiscent of an 80’s rock video back when MTV and Tamra were young and their misbehavior funny.
It’s always nice when the RHOC take us out of the church to remind us that no Housewife, no matter how much she protests, can ever truly turn her back on her satanic impulses. Where there be tequila, there be whoop it up and a turn to temptation that delivers Tamra straight back to evil. There’s a certain relief in such consistency, but I applaud Tamra for trying to pretend she wants to do the right thing (no I don’t. I’m over her fake Christian routine, although I am glad she has Eddie whom she seems to sincerely love and cherish.)
Speaking of two-faced, Vicki Gunvalson just can’t help herself. Just as she’s betraying Kelly Dodd in the most obviously obvious way possible by going on a double-date with Kelly’s ex, then pretending she’s never heard of this thing called “Girl Code,” the true Bible of Bravo, Vicki cries in a sombrero with empathy over Shannon Beador‘s divorce. Kelly is the new Shannon and Vicki’s bonehead move – in an attempt to appease Steve’s friendship with Micheal (cause Vicki will always stand by her man at the expense of her more loyal girlfriend) – means we’re going to be reliving this Kelly/Vicki fight for the next 3 seasons until I’d almost welcome the return of Brooks just for some different demons.
Anyway, it’s a cold day in hell because I agree with Tamra that Vicki knew she was being sneaky when she set Michael up and the reason she’s so defensive about Kelly’s reaction is because she’s well aware that she was wrong. Kelly is an emotional mess as she tells Tamra about Vicki’s betrayal, clearly expectant Tamra to turn on Vicki, but Tamra still goes to Puerto Vallarta. Because she’s contractually obligated, but also because a whoop it up is a whoop it up and who is Tamra to have principles and morals? Even if the so-called “new Vicki’ is still wearing the same old two-faced sombrero!
In the category of definitely NOT Kelly’s friend is her 12-year-old daughter, Jolie. Kelly reads aloud Vicki’s shitty apology text and Jolie simply reminds her mom that friends don’t go behind your back but furthermore God doesn’t want people to be fake. What I take that to mean is that God doesn’t want people to be Real Housewives. Further proof being that a tween has more relationship savvy than a 45-year-old and a 55-year-old combined. This is your brain on Bravo, kids!
No wonder Jolie wants to go to boarding school – if only to escape that crumbling 80’s apartment!
In the car on the way to the airport at least Tamra had the decency to call Vicki out and she acknowledged that double-dating with Michael without telling Kelly – even if Michael asked her not to – was the wrong move. Tamra is sympathetic to the fact that Steve and Michael are still friends, and again, Tamra, an expert in both betrayal and bad ex-wifedom, is correct that Vicki should encourage Steve to have his own relationship with Michael while she stays out of it. After all, that’s what she’s doing with Eddie and David who are strapping on their spandex bike shorts and rolling around in the mud together in the name of fitness. And still, Shannon is mad. Except Vicki’s life code is FOMO, so she’d never be able to gracefully extract herself from anything.
Let’s take a moment to discuss that bizarre spy commercial starring Vicki and Tamra as so-called best friends playing pop the boob implants balloons with a laser gun to figure out some movie clue. The answer was obviously Alexis “Jesus Jugs” Bellino, so don’t listen to whatever Mila Kunis had to say.
In Mexico, Shannon ships her kids back to the states so she can get her granny panties out of their bunch and properly whoop it up. After filling their suitcase with the nannycam she used to trap David, healing crystals, a soda defibrillator, and 99 lemons, Shannon prepares to the next phase in her Get Single-cation by ordering three double shots and to greet the arrival of Tamra and Vicki. This momentous occasion marks the return of the Three Amigas, a troupe of geriatric fun bus conductresses on a mission to wreck themselves before they check themselves (into the hospital). Literally.
Within seconds Shannon and Vicki have crashed to the ground in a flood of tequila, lime, and broken good intentions. It was a shotski, sombrero, Shannon sandwich and I’m guessing it wasn’t Vicki’s fault at all. Nothing ever is. Also, Shannon made Vicki pee her pants!
This entire trip was a calamity of people falling and flopping and being in denial about both their age and their physical abilities. Just because you teach aerobics or tumble off a bench during a suburban fitness ropes course, or bend and tuck to pick up dog poop while wearing stilettos, doesn’t mean you’re equipped for the tequila drinking and hot tub diving of a spring breaker.
I suppose nothing re-bonds a mistrustful friend like nearly killing yourself over tequila, because thus began a literal marathon of shots followed by the many faces of a possessed Beetlejuice. 15 in all! Predictably they wind up at Vicki’s Mecca – Andales, a debauched cesspool of the failed dreams of Vicki’s early 20’s. Did that place get worse in the years since Bravo last visited? It’s like the chicken or the egg – did Andales get trashier because of Bravo; or was it always trashy AF? Because now there is a woman blowing gym coach whistles in your face while you take shots, then grabbing your boobs. How do you say “sexual harassment” in Spanish?
Bravo segues away from all this debauchery for us to join Gina Kefluflflekuffenheimerishernameo and Emily Simpson at strollercize, some sort of suburban fitness nightmare that involves small children crashing into their mothers while they try to exercise, then being fed donuts and candy. Gina and Emily, much like their names, could not be more opposite. For some odd reason, Emily’s children were dressed in business casual wear, while Gina’s were wearing whatever smelled cleanish. Gina’s behave though, while she seamlessly squats and sit-ups, and sprints, while Gina complains that her children are so bad she needs therapy and medication to cope. Yet she still wants another one? Meanwhile, Gina is super mommy, with totally bionic laser vision, I imagine.
Back in Mexico Tamra is ready wants to go “full throttle.” Which are famous last words, especially considering that last time she went full throttle she crashed a dune buggy and nearly killed off her friend group. This time Tamra nearly killed off her fitness career by diving into a thot tub at 2 am. David is gonna have to start teaching classes at CUT since both Tamra and Eddie are down for the count with injuries and ailments.
But first, there is drunken dancing on the bar where Tamra flashes her pasties at all the poor patrons using tequila as eye bleach. What would Sidney Jesus think? Vicki promised Steve she’d be good though because as he helpfully reminded her – she is a grandmother after all. Wise words, my friend, and he didn’t need a Hallmark card to convey them!
After dancing on the bar Tamra gives Shannon a lap dance and complains that no potential Mexican STDs hotties will be able to penetrate the 3 layers of Spanx preventing Shannon from bringing her sexy back. Shannon protests that she is “Classic and old school.” Sexy is for the 30-year-olds dating David, apparently.
After drinking their weight in tequila the ladies stumble to a taco stand where Vicki orders el pastor and Shannon gives Vicki a come to Jesus talk about how she’ll never get over Brooks and Steve isn’t really the one. It takes an el pastor to know one, I suppose!
Back at the hotel, Tamra is literally and totally naked wasted. And since inappropriate bathtub moments are kinda her thing, she strips off all her clothes and belly flops into the tub, then slips running across the hotel room to try and convince Shannon to join her. Instead of putting on the matching PJs Vicki gave her and went to bed, Tamra again launched herself into the hot tub, this time with Shannon wearing a too-small bra with her cup literally spilling over, and Tamra manages to breaks her foot. Didn’t Tammy Sue ever learn “No jumping or diving into the shallow end”? Vicki, meanwhile, sat chastely in her bathrobe sulking over the day she ever let Steve be her voice of reason.
How did Vicki, the OG of the Whoop it up, became such a buzzkill? Tamra is right – Steve isn’t the one. Vicki doesn’t really want to behave and grow-up. And she certainly doesn’t want to chance. Nope! Nope! Nope!
The next morning we learn that Tamra had to get a cab to the hospital at 4 am and she did indeed break her foot. Because they’re good friends Vicki and Shannon carry her to the beach, first in a wheelchair, then on their backs, nearly dropping her down the stairs. Who would trust Vicki Clumsolton with their life?! Especially After the 15+ shots and cocktails they imbibed the night before still haven’t digested?!
“We’re middle-aged women – we cannot act this way anymore!” proclaims this new Steve-ized Vicki, ordering more cocktails. Shannon disagrees. She’s ready to take off the control-top panties and get her sexy-ish back. Last time she was single was 20 years ago and David has certainly been making up for lost time!
Proof that Vicki’s new mature outlook is faker than Tamra’s boobs, she expresses zero sympathy or empathy for going behind Kelly’s back to double-date with Michael. In fact, Vicki’s actually tired of everything being about Kelly Dodd! The second Shannon and Tamra welcomed Vicki back into the fold, she was done with Kelly. Maybe Vicki is a little more self-aware, the way Emergen-C slightly brightens your senses because she at least considers Shannon’s advice to explain to Kelly that she didn’t mean to hurt her feelings and that she made the wrong decision while learning to navigate Kelly’s divorce.
That night Tamra passes out at dinner after combining painkillers with more booze (and no sleep) so Shannon and Vicki whoop it up with MORE tequila for a tasting in their hotel room. If Shannon’s belt tells us anything it’s that she plans to be heavyweight tequila champion of the universe. Even if tequila brings back terrible memories of the last time Shannon went to Puerto Vallarta, which happened to be with Brooks and David, shortly before she learned David was having THE AFFAIR. Apparently David and the mistress bonded over tequila while Shannon was chugging all the vodka on the western seaboard. She won’t make that mistake again!
Does that not sound like the worst trip ever? And does it also not sound like Shannon is determined to conquer tequila as a F-U to David to prove she’s over him and doesn’t care? Whatever – at least she’s being fun again, Spanx or no Spanx!
After tasting anejo, a tequila-drunk Shannon cries over David moving on just months after they split. Although she knows ending her marriage was the right thing she’s still heartbroken. Thankfully she has Vicki and Tamra (and Vicki’s fish tongue) to rely on for support. Oh Shannon – so naive and always putting her trust in the wrong basket. Just ask Kelly!
Jim Bellino Sues Tamra & Shannon For Emotional Distress Over Comments They Made About His Divorce!
TELL US – DID VICKI BETRAY KELLY?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
