Since we were gifted with a supersized episode of 90 Day Fiancé: Happily Ever After for last night’s season finale, there’s a lot of dirty, filthy, stinking laundry to unpack. We haven’t quite seen the last of our six very troubled couples since they’ll be back next week and the week after for the Tell All Reunion, parts one and two. But this is possibly the last time the TLC camera crew will catch them in their natural habitats – from warehouses to flophouses to Moroccan sidewalk scenes where Nicole is about to get locked up abroad. Ah, memories.
Given the length of the episode (with many a flashback) – and my desire to not make you read a Moby Dick length recap – I’ve distilled each couples’ story down to their personal highlights reels. Or, um, lowlights – as the case may be. Here we go!
Russ and Paola go to dinner to discuss their issues. THE END. Okay, kidding again. But seriously – here’s the nutshell: Paola thinks Russ won’t talk to her about painful things. Her miscarriage and grandmother’s death have hit her hard, and she’s feeling depressed. Russ has been working a ton, and he knows it’s tough to talk to Pao when cameras aren’t rolling. He’s sad too, though, and claims Pao pushed him away when he tried to reach out emotionally.
Back home, Paola escalates the fight by accusing Russ of being gone too much – even though he’s the only one with a job. This fact is not lost on Russ, nor is the fact that these two seem to be overacting SO COMICALLY that they can barely contain their giggles as they “fight.” For extra dramatic effect, Russ even turns to the camera crew to demand they stop filming. “Just stop!” he fake-yells, wishing he had someone as legit crazy as Jorge to get him more camera time.
They argue for a while before finally running out of lines steam. Paola cries that she’s sacrificed “everything” for Russ, but she’ll go home to Colombia if he can’t be there for her. Russ thinks Paola is blowing everything out of proportion, which she is. Oh well, there’s no fixing this tonight.
Bottom line: These two will be fine. But Paola and Russ, can you please be fine OFF of television from now on? We’re done. And one more time just because it bears repeating: GET A HAIRCUT, RUSS!
Molly and her youngest daughter, Kensley, are out roller skating and pretending that Mommy didn’t just blow up their entire lives. Molly mailed divorce papers to Luis, who she hopes just signs the damn thing and gets out of her life for good. Olivia, who Molly hasn’t seen in ages, shows up for skating – and to immediately get barked at about helping her sister with her skates. Damn, Molly! Give the poor girl a hug.
Olivia, who is the obviously most mature of the bunch, already knows that Molly won’t likely acknowledge what a huge mistake she made bringing a stranger into their lives and expecting him to be an insta-father figure. Molly apologizes, but it’s going to take a long time for Olivia to trust her again. “I loved him!” Molly defends when Olivia questions her sincerity. Even though Luis is gone (for good, let’s hope), Olivia still needs time before she comes home. At least she and Molly hug it out, which is a start.
Since Molly has retained the services of Toupee, Toupee & Toupee, she hopes her divorce will be the start of her new life too. Luis has signed the divorce papers! As Molly signs, she reflects on the doomed girls’ trip she took to the Dominican Republic, which resulted in accusations of voodoo and dance-offs in Space Jam shirts. This long, strange trip has been no bueno. Now she just has to attend Luis’s green card appointment to make sure he doesn’t get to stay in the country on her dime for the next ten years.
Okay – let’s get to the good stuff! With Nicole’s hair extensions still warm in her hand and River’s face and neck scratched up like a ratty cat tower, Mother Chantel goes on her tirade. As she waves the weave around like a prize, she decries Family Pedro – in Spanish – to the English speaking camera crew. (Um…???) They “are very bad for my family” she monotone-yells. While Chantel wails and moans in the background, the cameras pan to the table of food that Pedro donkey-kicked before fleeing the scene. Also, River got bit! By Nicole? He doesn’t seem fazed, more worried about checking his phone than checking his blood for rabies.
Chantel thinks Pedro and Nicole planned this attack on her brother, even though it was River who seemed ready to rumble once tensions rose. “Nobody puts their hands on my family,” says Chantel while her mother shows us Nicole’s hair and calls her a “heathen.” Meanwhile, Pedro and Nicole are likely back home changing locks and harvesting American dollars.
Sometime later, Chantel cries and tells us she’s not speaking to River because he’s cut her off. “I just really wanted our families to get along!” moans Chantel, who’s been stirring the sh*t between Pedro and her family from DAY ONE. She meets with her friend, Gege, to discuss the nightmare she’s created. After telling her tale of woe, Gege’s advice is to talk to Pedro. When she finally texts him back, Chantel finds out Pedro bought his sister a ticket home – and that he wants to smooth things over. “I want justice for my brother,” says Chantel, obviously still seeing Pedro as the lone instigator of the fight. Hmm.
At home later, Chantel and Pedro finally talk. They both took their siblings’ sides over one another, but neither of them thinks they’re wrong. Pedro sent his sister back to the DR, which frees up a lot of couch space, but doesn’t solve the root issue. Pedro blames The Family Chantel, while Chantel blames Pedro and Nicole. Their families hate each other; they hate each other’s family. Pedro never wants to see The Family Chantel again! He stands by that karate kick too.
Chantel tells Pedro her family will never talk to him again. He’s like, SWEET! He’d rather move back to the DR anyway. But since he does love Chantel, he’ll hang around for now…hoping River isn’t waiting with a knife outside his window at night.
Since there’s no fixing this obscene clusterf**k, I’ll say it again: Pedro and Chantel need to cut their families off for ONE YEAR. No cabins, no flat screen TVs, no chicken feet. Come on, people! It’s time to get a little bit more smarter. If not, life will continue to be a prelude to the tragic Family Chantel Dateline episode – and more than hair will be murdered in that show.
Until they make a decent decision, Chantel and Pedro need some time apart. So Pedro will go to the DR to visit his family, and Chantel will stay in Atlanta taking daily trips in the family van.
The moment of truth arrives after Nicole and Azan leave the marriage licensing office. At home, they tell Robbalee about the missing paperwork and, naturally, she blames her inept daughter. Inside she’s celebrating, but Robbalee pretends to be super bummed that her daughter won’t be officially catfished in a matter of days. “I don’t know what to saaaaaaaay!” whines Nicole, who doesn’t even want to tell her family back home what’s happened. Azan says he’s disappointed too…with a GIANT grin on his face.
When Nicole calls her father to deliver the blessed news, he openly smiles and practically does a fist pump knowing his daughter’s terrible decision has been delayed yet again. He does promise to research the paperwork Nicole needs, if by “research” he means continuing to sit in his recliner and wait for Nicole’s money to run out.
The harder task of telling Azan’s family (who planned and paid for most of the wedding) is up next. Nicole totally flakes out, forcing Azan to deliver the news while she buries her head in her hands and letting her greasy hair cover her face. Um, didn’t this very dense American check her paperwork? they wonder. Azan’s sister is particularly upset, telling Azan that the family will lose $6,000 in deposits because of this mistake. Nicole won’t even look at anyone, let alone take responsibility. I guess it’s back to Starbucks for her! She needs to start funneling money to these people again, STAT. That’s truly all they need her for if we’re gonna get 100% real. Also, question: Where is Azan’s father?
*We must take a break in this recap to acknowledge the 100 Doctor Pimple Popper commercials with which TLC is torturing us. OH MY GOOD GOD WHAT THE HELL AM I LOOKING AT?!?!? Okay, be strong guys. Back to the show…
At the park later, Azan and Robbalee have a heart to heart. Robbalee shoots straight: Is Azan still messing with a whole slew of trifling chicks around the globe? And is he still playing her daughter? Azan claims that no – he really, truly did want to marry Nicole after only TWO WEEKS of meeting her online. At least he admits there were “many” other women he was wooing too, but that shady voicemail wasn’t incriminating. No way, no how! Azan is squeaky clean these days, so much so that he’s even paying for his very own hair gel and fuzzy sweaters.
BUT WAIT – plot twist! Under Robbalee’s questioning, Azan finally cracks and admits that voicemail was real, not a prank. He was texting and calling girls right up until Nicole came over to Morocco weeks ago. Of course, he says NOW he’s totally faithful. There are definitely not 42 women in his phone ready to send their Starbucks paychecks to him. Mmm hmm.
Robbalee obviously knows Azan is a dirtbag, but she needs Nicole to know it too. So Azan says he’ll tell her the truth.
The day she leaves, Robbalee hugs May goodbye, hoping random Moroccan citizens care for her granddaughter when she leaves, given the fact that Nicole is obviously not capable. Back home, Azan decides to come clean by telling Nicole about the other women. Nicole cries, perhaps letting the truth sink in for the first time in years. Azan doesn’t seem particularly sorry, but he is either 1) worried about not getting his citizenship now, or 2) worried that he actually has to marry Nicole if he doesn’t blow this sh*t up now.
“I guarantee it won’t happen again,” says Azan, who’s literally cheated on Nicole since the day they met. Nicole being Nicole, she wants to believe him. But her tourist visa expires in two months, so maybe she’ll head back to Florida to harvest more dollars before making a final decision.
In even more depressing news, David and Annie are still married. “At least we have a roof over our head,” David pathetically tells Annie as a selling point of the warehouse he wants her to live in. Annie is not about this f**ked up life in public buildings, threatening to move back to Thailand if David drags her ass to even worse digs than this firehouse.
Because he has no other cards left, David just decides to bawl his head off. With his face the exact color of his maroon turtleneck, David BEGS Annie to continue living like an American Hobo with him. She’s all, FINE! I’ll pack up. But I’m not unpacking there. Annie, girlfriend: You’re going from firehouse to warehouse, yo. Next stop is OUTHOUSE. #Truth
“I want to die,” says Annie on her way to the warehouse. Yup, that about sums it up girl! David knows Annie has no choice but to stay with his sorry carcass, despite him having no plans of creating a decent life for her. “I will do whatever it takes to turn things around,” David swears, even deigning to work in the warehouse for one whole day. Although Annie is in hell, she can’t buy her own ticket back to Thailand. And those two water buffalo certainly aren’t going to fund her journey.
Anfisa is a cold-hearted grifter and Jorge is a terrible liar. THE END. Okay, we’ll dive into the details, but couldn’t that truly be the only line in their story? So, last seen, Jorge was at an outdoor café being forced to call his ex-girlfriend and alleged baby mama by his wife. This week, Jorge has been allowed indoors to do the very same task. Progress!
When he gets her on the phone, Jorge acts like he has no idea what this ex is accusing him of, nor why she’d reach out to Anfisa. AS IF. The ex contends that Jorge knows VERY WELL why she’s been stalking him for nearly a decade, and he has yet to cop to the truth about it. He’s the father of her child, and she claims Jorge knows it. Jorge has even bought presents for this child before, joking that “she’s his kid, after all.” Whaaaaaaaaaaa?
Anfisa sits dead-eyed, wondering just how deep Jorge will dig this grave before f**king jumping in for good. Answer: Much deeper. He says he’ll get a DNA test, which the ex-girlfriend says she’s BEGGED him to do multiple times in the past. But Jorge wasn’t on TV with a mail order bride before, so…
After he hangs up, Jorge just mouth-breathes for a while as Anfisa begins thinking about the only person who matters to her: Herself. Why didn’t Jorge defend HER more? she berates. Why didn’t he stand up for his WIFE? Jorge’s one remaining brain cell is working overtime, but not fully capable of handling this level of complexity. He hasn’t so much spun a web of lies; it’s more like a city dump of lies. He will NEVER clean this sh*t up. Also, can we just get Maury up in here and end this ONCE AND FOR ALL?!?
Alas, Maury cannot be reached, nor can we get the DNA results after Jorge’s test, because HE GETS ARRESTED. Yup, the Jorge done a bad thing. And he done it in Arizona, where drug laws are strict and they don’t cotton to folks transporting many (MANY) pounds of marijuana across state lines with the intention to sell. Cameras follow Jorge and Anfisa heading into court to face his felony charge, for which he’s now awaiting trial. It’s important to note that Anfisa let Jorge rot in jail for two days before bailing him out, which I guess could be considered a silver lining…?
Well, folks, WE DID IT! Another season in the books. Another white binder of being FRAUDED ahead of us. Next week’s Tell All looks sufficiently batsh*t, so meet me back here to see what nightmares may come.
Writer’s Note: Check out my podcast Pink Shade With Erin Martin for more Reality TV talk (Housewives, 90 Day Fiance, Exclusive Interviews & more!). Available on Acast, Stitcher, and iTunes! Visit pinkshadewitherinmartin.com for all links.
TELL US: WHAT’S NEXT FOR EACH OF THESE COUPLES? WHO’S MOST/LEAST LIKELY TO SUCCEED?
Photo Credit: TLC
