Last night the Real Housewives Of Atlanta celebrated their 10 year anniversary by counting down their top ten moments. I cannot believe that I’ve had NeNe Leakes in my life longer than I’ve had my children in my life, but the Bravo universe is vast and all-encompassing!
I was expecting the Real Housewives themselves to weigh in on all the past drama and spill some behind-the-scenes secrets, similar to when other cities have done an anniversary. I was also expecting to get catch-ups from retired cast members like DeShawn Snow or Kim Fields, but instead we were just handed a ton of flashback footage to reminisce over. There were weddings, breakdowns (often those two things combined), walk-offs, shade wars, and vintage footage of Wigs with her Cigs.
Bravo archaeologists also managed to unearth the remains of NeNe and Kim Zolciak‘s season one faces, and OMG – who are these women gracing my screens today!? Let’s just say, I couldn’t pick either one of them out in a line-up based on their first season appearances and I don’t even think NeNe’s dental records could identify her since she definitely used her Trump CHECKS to fix those teeth. She is a “very rich bitch” after all.
Although Kim and NeNe don’t look anything like their original counterparts – you know back when we actually liked them! – Sheree Whitfield looks pretty much exactly the same only older. I guess it’s cause Sheree’s been investing her seven figure divorce settlement hard-earned Bravo checks for playing Kim’s friend into Chateau Sheree instead of She by ShePlasticSurgery! While Sheree’s looks haven’t changed her personality and hubris certainly have! Oh the shade and reads of early Sheree – Thief by Tyrone must have stolen her reads along with her designer wardrobe and cocky attitude.
Since Atlanta has always been known for its colorful language, the Bravo anthropoligists got to work suggesting the most prolific linguistic feats – aka the “Best Catchphrase” to begin the countdown. From “Fix it Jesus!”; to “Close your legs to married men” and “Bloop!”; Cynthia Bailey uttering, “Now, what else is going on?” (which I never even noticed?). Kenya Moore was crowned the winner for her “Gone With The Wind Fabulous” and accompanying “twirl.” It turns out Phaedra Parks actually coined “Twirl,” which I had forgotten, so Kenya was not permitted to wear her former Miss Who-S-A crown to accept this award.
My personal favorite catchphrase will forever Sheree’s infamous deadpan: “Who gonna check me, boo?” That made the list, but sadly it’s pivotal ending note of “Whatever happened to customer service?” didn’t. I could rewatch the party-planner fight endlessly and laugh and laugh and laugh. Sorry Kenya!
Number 9 was all about walk-outs! Originally initiated by NeNe way back in season 2 after she stormed out of a reconnection attempt with Kim! Nothing makes a grand exit like an aquamarine Juicy Couture velour sweatsuit bottom (with flap pockets) paired with a matching tank top. Love those old fashioned Housewives fashions (back from the days when the women were mere upper class Housewives). Well, if it lies like a cheap wig, it’s probably a cheap wig, and NeNe is still turning her back on all that plastic mess!
Also making the walk-out list was the time Phaedra almost slapped Kenya with her giant clutch bag (which undoubtedly contained a prayer cloth and holy water spritzer, as well as a taser) before storming out it in the Mr. Hot Chocolate confrontation, and Porsha Williams “Bye Ashy!” departure from a lunch with Kenya. Not getting mentioned was the time Kenya stormed out of Porsha’s party after being mis-introduced as Miss America and Porsha told her to go wait in the dumpster where she belongs! The Top Walk-Out however, was a very-pregnant Kim storming out of a pre-Africa planning lunch and almost assaulting the Bravo cameras, and then walking right on off of RHOA (we thought permanently). Naturally, Kroy was – as always – waiting outside and helped her flee. When did this guy ever have time to play in the NFL?!
Number 8 was “Biggest Breakdown,” which reminded us that Kenya almost got divorced before the ink was even dry on Marc’s tax debt check her marriage license, and featured the very real and tragic moment from last season where Bob admitted to abusing Sheree. Lucky Kandi Burruss won the most emotionally messy title, courtesy of allllll her crying about Mama Joyce, beginning way back in season two before Mama Joyce had discovered Derek J hair! Oh MJ – the gift that keeps on giving (to us because she’s all taketh away for Kandi).
Any talk of Mama Joyce must spiral into another No 7 on the list: “Wedding Woes.” Like all the faux weddings with faux grooms (including Question Marc?) Kenya has attempted! Actually RHOA has enough real weddings (and re-weddings) that they didn’t even need Kenya’s fiascos.
Who could forget that Cynthia almost didn’t get to marry Peter underneath a giant T-Rex skeleton wearing a glorified garbage bag for a dress – the best unintentional irony and foreshadowing ever – because her mom and sister tried to hide the marriage license? That’s amateur compared Mama Joyce‘s long-game sabotage attempts! From the word on the streets that Todd and Carmon were having an affair and the subsequent bridal boutique shoe assault, to allegations that Todd’s mother Sharon was a prostitute (that rumor came from the gutters – actually the sewers of Mama Joyce’s brain), to her threats to always keep her eye on Todd… Prenup signed or not, we know there is no OLG fried chicken crispy enough to keep Mama Joyce’s hands off how Todd spends Kandi’s money!
Number 6 was all about the best ‘Friends of…’ Housewives. Some of these people I had actually forgotten – meaning I had blocked their insanity out of my mind (sorry Tami of the blonde braids and insane asylum socks! Or SWEEEEEEEETIEEEEE!, Kim’s much-terrorized former assistant); some of these friends we can’t get rid of if we try – ahem, Marlo Hampton! – and some I mourn deeply, like Dwight Eubanks! Dwight for all his eccentricities was obviously dubbed the Bestest Housewives friend ever, a title most certainly deserved because we’re still asking, “Who was that fabulous woman who had a fashion show with no fashions?”
Since Atlanta is at its core all about family, number 5 resisted all the family dramas, and left A LOT out. Really honestly, they just needed a separate Mama Joyce category, like craziest MJ Moments, because here again she dominated. We were also reminded of Porsha’s many issues taking advantage of her sister Lauren, Sheree encouraging her children to do as she and Bob say, not as they do, and NeNe’s many problems with Bryson. I would’ve assumed the number one moment would be Kenya’s mother refusing to open the door when she came to visit in Detroit, or any of Phaedra and Apollo’s serious issues (!), but it was handed again to Mama Joyce – this time for threatening Todd over dessert.
My favorite moment was actually NeNe and Gregg effectively pausing ending their marriage when she banished him to the basement after his scandalous radio tell-all. NeNe reminding Gregg, “I put on a unified front for your ass!” before storming out of the kitchen was so raw and authentic. Scenes like that remind me of why we once loved this show before Kenya was cast it became a producer-contrived mess.
Number 4 centered around “Biggest Beefs” – which is basically the premise of this entire show, so I don’t know why it needed its own separate category? And indeed there was moment after moment. They could’ve just played scenes of Porsha vs. Kenya or Phaedra vs. Kenya or basically Porsha vs. everyone, because honestly other than NeNe vs. Kim who even remembers the other arguments?
There was that time Porsha dragged Kenya across a reunion stage. Or that time NeNe screamed into Kandi’s peacock hair at a Don’t Be Tardy listening party (which started their issues), and Marlo and Sheree speaking in high-pitched animal noises in South Africa, then Kandi almost got physical on Peter at NeNe’s pajama orgy gone to the dark side with no nightlight. Or Sheree tugging Kim’s Party City wig outside a restaurant way back in season two. Too bad Kim didn’t have that bicycle helmet on! There was Mama Joyce‘s attempted beat-down of Carmon at the bridal boutique when she whipped off her wedge sandals – talk about the streets! Also Marlo reattaching NeNe’s bun while she screamed at Porsha over dinner this season, and of course, Porsha and Cynthia’s kicking fight on the yacht…
However the top moment in this category is one I agree with – when NeNe and Kim got into it on the tour bus to Miami for the performance of Don’t Be Tardy For The Party that would launch Kim’s “career.” Don Juan actually had to restrain NeNe while she threatened to “Bloop” Kim’s eyes out! Old NeNe and Kim is still the best ATL TV.
They left out so many good moments here! Like Kenya wearing the thong and fake butt pads to mock Phaedra at a charity event?!
Number 3 was “Best event” featuring Kenya kicking Porsha out of her Black Hollywood Royalty party for refusing to come in a shady BAPS costume (thankfully Marlo has since complied), the She By Sheree Fashion extravaganza … with no clothes, but $30,000 worth of photocopies, and Phaedra’s Boughetto baby shower (actually all of Phaedra’s events). The number one moment was the party to celebrate the final opening of Chateau Sheree, which found Kenya lost in the horror story basement worrying that she’d never see daylight or humanity again. I personally thought the best event was Cynthia’s pageant where Phaedra and Kenya got INTO it over the work-out booty DVD. Just me?
The Number 2 category was dedicated to “Biggest Lies.” The should’ve just named this entire category “Kenya Files” “Apollo Files” for all his lies about, well, everything – including the nature of his relationship with Kenya. But, then of course, we were reminded that Phaedra started her Housewives career with a lie about her due date and ended her Housewife career with the massive lie about Kandi supposedly plotting to drug and rape Porsha. Everything else pales in comparison, but Kim Z has certainly also told some serious whoppers, as has Ms. Krayonce from lying about her relationship with Walter – and all her boyfriends, to the many, many, many other things, like rumors about Kim Fields’s marriage and the supposed world premiere of Life Twirls On.
Since RHOA is known unequivocally for its reads and shades, the countdown ends with “Shadiest Reads.” There is no shade like Shaedra Parks, bury you with a Phuneral By Phaedra shade, so while Phaedra is also the queen of liars, she also, quite literally, wrote the book on reads. Kenya has tried (and failed) to come for Phaedra, and many others have also quelled in her wake, although NeNe has certainly provided some epic reads! Most notably when she dubbed Peachter, Peachter Bank Account Eater “Patricia” and told him not to be a bitch. Poor Cynthia.
As for those who managed to read NeNe the filth, Claudia Jordan reminded us of her existence with a brief recapping of her epic (although I still don’t understand why they had beef) trashing of NeNe, her edges, and her everything else.
Well, thanks for ten years of drama ATL! I suppose we look forward to many more, but hopefully all this counting down of the epic moments will inspire the producers to do a little soul-searching on how to bring this show back to its former glory.
TELL US – WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE RHOA MOMENT?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
