Was last night not one of the most boring Real Housewives Of Orange County finales ever?! At least Vicki Gunvalson and Tamra Judge completely gave up the pretense of trying to fix their friendship – which was refreshing. Other than that the only drama was some weird mythical uproar Shannon Beador suddenly developed for Peggy Sulahian who is literally a walking coma. Diko has definitely done all the heavy-lifting in the drama department with those two.
I get that Shannon and Peggy don’t like each other, but this drama erupted over some old news and seemed like drama for drama’s sake. Sort of like Shannon herself!
This all predicated around a candle party. Yes, a candle party. A candle party to celebrate all the haaaaard difficult work we never saw Meghan Edmonds actually DO to launch her signature collection.
Since when is sniffing a few candles and pointing to some color swatches while your nanny jostles the baby considered “hard work”? That’s not even first world problems, that’s delusional pampered princess problems when pampered princess has grown bored of reading Nancy Drew and has started whining that her husband isn’t home enough so hubby bought her a business. Jimmy Dad Jeans, like all good parental figures was very proud of Meghan’s baby steps to adulthood, but not more proud than Meghan was of herself. Look she did something! She really did something! (Said in a Shannon Beador voice).
The episode started out with Vicki’s big announcement: Michael, long-suffering, patient, pseudo-Donn, Michael is being promoted to a spot on the Coto Insurance board. There was a vote among the 3 members (are there more but we didn’t see them?) who decided Michael should replace someone. Probably Vicki, who is literally nuts. She also asked the board if they could vote on the next person she marries because she wants no more whammies! Is that even legal? I mean even if you own the company, isn’t it a little… I dunno… Mad [Wo]Men to interject your personal life so liberally onto your poor co-workers. Or maybe not since Vicki is a public figure and Brooks probably doesn’t do wonders for boosting a company’s image and income, but everyone agrees Steve is a good one. Too good of a one for Vicki. His one glaring flaw is, well, the peroxide, surgically altered Whoop It Up machine anchored to his right elbow.
Tamra has finally scored an invite into Sidney’s life. It’s her own milestone! YAAAY. She and Ryan get to attend her estranged daughter’s graduation, and Tamra is nervous. I have NO idea why Tamra was wearing cocktail attire for this – and even worse, trampy Vegas cougar cocktail attire, but there ya’ go! When RYAN manages to look more appropriate, you should probably go right back inside and put on something a little more MOM and less attention-seeking. Except this is Tamra, so everything is about Tamra and the attention she seeks (see RHOC seasons: 3 – 12).
Kelly Dodd really wants her mom Bobbi to do something with herself. Like be part of a PRIV commercial! All very exciting! Kelly hires PRIV to give Bobbi a makeover. I can’t even remember what Bobbi looked like (apparently face-lifted) because I spent the entire segment trying to figure out what the hell Kelly was wearing. Did she WANT to look like she had no shirt on? Why would you choose a skin-toned bodysuit with one-sleeve that was just one shade different from your spraytanned skin tone? Like Barbie Crotch and Boob Syndrome (you know…). It reminded me of the Silence Of the Lambs flesh suit. Also she paired it with weird high-waisted track pants with fake accompanying flesh stripes. It was a super bizarro-cannibal like outfit. The nasty socialite version. Kinda perfect for Kelly, though, who absolutely is a person-eater. Especially when drunk. Like Barbies, she needs to come with her own Surgeon General’s Warning: small dangerous parts not suitable for children (or highly excitable middle-aged women).
But look at that Kelly and Shannon are now friends! Two insanes make a sane?! Or at least a good book of idiots idioms.
Meghan is treating her party like a candle wedding – she actually hosted the event at the place where Tamra and Eddie got married. Everyone will love the candles if they are reminded of how much they love Tamra, right?! I, like Vicki, believe a candle party should be a little more multi-level market-y and contain cheap brochures proclaiming how candles save marriages and cure psoriasis, scent demonstrations, and cheap cheese trays. But alas, I guess Jimmy Dad Jeans’s passion is candles. It’s the only thing I’ve ever seen him get remotely Jazz Handsy about except for when he’s yelling at Meghan.
Kelly was supposed to ride with Vicki, who is – as always – criminally late and stuck in her own self-obsession, but since Kelly and Shannon are neighbors and now partners in misery friends, Shannon proposes Kelly and Michael squeeze into their limo. Put nine lemon-faces in a limo… And sour it was! Neither David nor Michael wanted to be there, and neither Shannon nor Kelly wanted them there. Or at least Kelly definitely didn’t want Michael to attend. Michael almost bailed, but then, regrettably for Kelly, changed his mind at the last minute and put on a hot pink tie with a Sears suit.
Michael’s bad attitude is because he does not want to spend 30 minutes in a limo with David! I don’t blame him! David has crazy eyes and otherwise is stale crackers, crumbling in their little packet and wanting to be left alone to squish into oblivion. Michael tried to call an Uber, which made Kelly really angry.
Kelly lectured Michael that he better be polite, since he’s always embarrassing her. This is hilarious. Kelly is literally the definition of mortifying! Maybe Michael is also awful, but he comes across like all the husbands who are not Diko: ancillary background static whose only purpose is provide the Housewives lifestyle and occasionally interject when things are too stupid. Kelly complains to her makeup artists that she can’t take anymore of him. She is DONE. Like Shannon Beador is always DONE. Except Shannon is never done with David (so we thought!).
In their limo before picking up Kelly, Shannon attempts to make conversation with David Of The Dead. She chatters on about how people like her the more they get to know her. Like scotch! Or McDonald’s! Shannon is wowed by her budding friendship with Kelly; two women who know how to speak their minds! David, zombie-like, stares out the window. Once Kelly and Michael get in the car, David and Michael sit in silence while Shannon and Kelly drown their sorrows in vodka.
Getting into the party is also a trial. There’s a long staircase and Shannon is convinced she’ll wipe out, ruining her grandmother’s vintage cocktail dress (which was both aging and unflattering). The first thing Shannon does after she surviving the stairs is to fret that there may not be vodka! Only anti-freeze-blue signature cocktails. Which I dunno… anyone ever watch Heathers?
The moment Tamra scuttles into the party she informs Meghan that her friendship with Vicki – over. Again. Like for real over. Again. Meghan looks bored. I’m bored. Do the blue cocktails contain poison? Are they worse than Tamra’s desperate dress. Was was unflattering in the opposite way Shannon’s was. Too youthful, therefore unintentionally aging.
Apparently Vicki committed the cardinal sin of NOT calling Tamra the moment they returned from Iceland. Which proved their makeup wasn’t sincere. Did Tamra call Vicki? Then, not 18 hours after they returned, a negative story emerged in the press about Tamra’s family – and it came from a good fiend of Vicki’s. Vicki denied culpability, but Tamra knows it was her which is proof that Vicki will never change. That new development is so weird and random. For once I am actually GLAD Vicki didn’t dignify that with a response. Also, Tamra will never change.
For instance, there Tamra was meddling with Peggy and Diko over something past and appropriately ignored, stirring up problems to try and provoke Shannon into over-reacting, so she could complain about Shannon over-reacting. It was the stupid drama about how David supposedly doubted Peggy’s cancer. Diko, who I actually liked this episode, did his due-diligence by apologizing to David for how out-of-hand the whole thing got.
Then Tamra apologized to Diko for calling him a “little bitch” in Iceland. And suddenly Peggy and Shannon started arguing about Diko’s confrontation with Shannon at the anniversary party and if Peggy attempted to manipulate the whole thing by blaming Shannon for David hurting her. This was all instigated by Tamra, who out-of-the-blue-cocktails sidled over to Peggy to inquire if Shannon had flipped for no reason at that party.
It was all confusing as hell.
First Peggy denied telling Shannon she was hurt by David and claims Shannon made that up, which Tamra wholeheartedly believed! When Shannon came over, Tamra accused her supposed BEST FRIEND of lying about Peggy and over-reacting. True to form, Shannon went all InShannity (again) in which resulted in Peggy confusingly admitting that she actually did tell Shannon she was hurt. “YOU MAKE NO SENSE!” bellowed Shannon. Which is true, Peggy doesn’t make any sense. So, just so you know, Shannon is (again) DONE with Peggy, but this time Peggy is also done with Shannon!
The actual terrible thing is how Tamra gaslights Shannon and takes advantage of her weaknesses. Yes, Shannon should have a better grip on her emotions, but Tamra totally orchestrated this showdown to make Shannon go ballistic, then tired to play the consoling soothing friend, just trying to peace-make with the crazy woman. She actually called Peggy and Shannon back together and Peggy half-heartedly Vicki’d through an apology, which Shannon socially accepted.
Peggy also complained to Meghan that Shannon always has to have drama, so she starts it. Which is true. Then she told all of us that no wonder David doesn’t want to deal with Shannon with her behavior. Peggy is always so full of judgments about why the other women’s marriages are doomed. Perhaps if they were all more Armenian!
Lydia McLaughlin, whom I don’t recall even being there except for her My Little Pony braid, opined that if someone is always acting insane at a party, they’re probably also insane. She hasn’t confirmed this with Jesus, but I’ll go with it. Also citing Tamra and Vicki as examples. #Inshannity
At least Kelly and Peggy managed to have a civil conversation. Kelly apologized for Iceland in a way that was polite, yet detached. Kelly isn’t sweating Peggy though, that was producer-mandated due-diligence. Instead she’s pondering how to extract herself from her marriage. The final straw was Michael complaining to the other women that he wasn’t allowed to “play” with Kelly’s new boobs and she gave him a look like she had just eaten something Shannon cooked.
Kelly confides to Vicki that she literally cannot take another moment with him. She and Michael no longer have sex, and haven’t in a long time. Vicki admits that when she and Donn stopped being intimate their marriage fell apart, and though she initially tells Kelly to try to fix things. Kelly is done. Emotionally that is. She’s decided to sell their house so she can get divorced and move on, on her own. Didn’t Michael pay for the house? Regardless, with the proceeds Kelly won’t need his money. And she did just that!
Did I mention Tamra is also mad because Vicki never apologized to Eddie. Which she was supposed to do at the party? Tamra and Vicki spent the entire party avoiding each other until it was time to do a final shot. Half-hearted fights finished, animosity too long-stewed to overcome, they got together for some booze which is what they do best. It was truly a kind of nothing finale. I blame Peggy.
The best moment was Kelly and Shannon reliving their 70’s party fight and hooting at each other in a cued-WHOOO and HOOOT recall. They are fun together! Let’s hope Shannon ditches Tamra for Kelly! They could be divorcee roommates! I actually think all the women are fun together, but alas Tamra just can’t for real stop instigating with Vicki.
As the last candles were blown out, their scented wicks flickering toxins into the night sky, Jim, sated by cheese platters and the dessert buffet, and whatever the hell was in that blue cocktail, was happy. And speaking of blue, Meghan leaned over and whispered that since she’d so excelled at this whole mommy thing, which she has loved every moment of so much, she’s ready for another round of IVF to try for a boy. Jim agrees, then makes a note to call his agent about a lot of trips to St. Louis.
In the updates we learn that Shannon and David had to move when their rental was sold, so they moved into separate residences. Kelly and Michael are also divorcing. Again. And Vicki is ready to be Steve’s wife. Once witness protection locates Steve and the board approves the marriage, that is… (I kid!)
TELL US – IS TAMRA A BAD FRIEND TO SHANNON? IS SHE TRYING TO CAUSE FIGHTS WITH VICKI? DO YOU WANT PEGGY BACK NEXT SEASON?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
