Last week on The Real Housewives of Potomac, we left Grand Dame Karen Huger in the middle of an off camera (but not off mic) tirade about vacation planning nemesis Charrisse Jackson-Jordan. Like most tirades, it didn’t make a hell of a lot of sense – something about screwing firemen and New Jersey harlots. Either way, Karen is pretty fired up at Charrisse, even though Robyn Dixon is the one who prompted this by calling Karen a hypocrite for preaching unity on this trip and then excluding half of the women on her sailboat excursion earlier that day. Why anyone would be upset that they missed out on clinging to some netting on the side of a damn plastic boat in the middle of the ocean is beyond me, but I guess it was the principal.
Despite the snub, Charrisse is determined to make her day of hosting a success and has arranged a sunset cruise for all. According to Cha Cha, she “made some calls” and determined that cruises are how the Bermudan elite spend their time so ummm, where are the Bermudan elite you speak of? The boat is filled with random dudes and I can’t tell if they are just some guys production offered a free boat ride to or Cha Cha also placed a call to a local escort agency. One of them immediately eyes up Robyn and like a true gentleman, has Charrisse call her over to him while he stays planted in his seat, shaved legs firmly crossed. No surprise that Robyn isn’t into him.
Pot stirrer Ashley Darby doesn’t need to bother flirting with these lugs when she has that gem of a daddy figure husband at home, so instead she decides to poke the bear – Karen, that is. Ashley wants to know why Karen didn’t include everyone in their little boating excursion earlier and much like the hard efforts of Karen’s hairdresser, this conversation is a big waste of time. Karen is as unapologetic as her hair is frizzy right now and she dismisses Ashley pretty quickly. But Gizelle Bryant isn’t going to let this one go and decides forces Karen and Charrisse to talk. Scratch that, argue. Karen pretends to offer up an apology, saying she is sorry if Charrisse was offended but of course, that isn’t good enough and they end up shouting out insults about each other’s party planning skills, net worth and overall dustiness.
Later that night, Charrisse, Robyn, Gizelle and Ashley are stuffing their faces back in their hotel room and reliving the argument when Charrisse drops the bomb on them: years ago, the Grand Dame herself purchased that home she just sold as a foreclosure! Now this is getting good. Karen has been so busy turning her nose up at open houses and prospective buyers when all this time, she got a deal on a foreclosure house. Now in reality, buying a house that was in foreclosure, especially with the busted real estate bubble of the last decade, isn’t really that big of a deal. But the fact that Karen has gone to great lengths to toot that ugly old house’s horn, well, that’s what makes this piece of gossip so mouth-watering. Throw in some Rent-A-Center furniture and an outdated kitchen and of course everyone is going to question the true nature of Karen and the BBG’s net worth. Is he even worthy of the title BBG? So many questions.
Another outing is planned for the housewives and this time, it’s a cricket match, which Ashley confuses with croquet. And she wonders why her husband doesn’t trust her with running a restaurant. As they sit down to watch the match, they are surrounded by men – tank topped men, shirtless men, gold chained men, men doing shots of what looks like Nyquil. For Gizelle, all this eye candy is making her realize she should probably break up with Kevin when she gets back home. For Robyn, the one who is supposed to try dating as homework from her therapist? Not so much. All it’s doing is making her realize that she wants what’s easy at home. Ugh, Robyn is such a snoozefest this season.
After the cricket match, Karen decides that she’s going to extend her version of an olive branch by giving Charrisse a half-assed sort of apology by saying that they need to be a united front and set a good example for the other women with their friendship. Why the sudden change of heart? Karen explains she misses her friend and is ultra-sensitive because she is going through a lot time in her personal life. Ummm is she talking about moving? Is that “a lot” to go through, especially when you’re lounging in Bermuda and your husband is at home packing up your house and moving you out under a shroud of secrecy? I guess so, if you’re Karen Huger, the Grand Dame of Dustiness.
The rest of the housewives show up to Karen’s room for the last night of vacation pajama party, which is probably the only kind of party that Karen is equipped to plan. Now it’s time to pause and ask what the eff is Ashley wearing? Where on earth does she find her clothes – a time capsule buried by Jane Fonda circa 1985? While the rest of the women are in standard, two piece pajama sets, Ashley claims she doesn’t have pajamas and is clad in a fringed crop top, spandex leggings and socks pulled up to her knees. Gizelle knows this is why Ashley’s husband has dried up pancake penis (her words, not mine, although I wish my descriptors were that funny).
Just as the fun is about to start, Monique FIVE HOUSES Samuels comes in, asking for the ladies to please brighten her evening. She is trying to transfer to utilities from her fourth house to her fifth house and it’s a huge mess! I thought she had an assistant/family member for that? I guess not but then she makes sure to ask all the ladies if they will help her move and Karen sits off to the side, tight lipped as ever, with Gizelle vowing to get to the bottom of Karen’s own move.
Over chicken wings, Ashley asks Monique whatever happened to her rap deal and while I was previously under the impression that she decided to scrap her recording career (what a loss for the rap game, ammirite?) to marry Big Drawers, she gives us a new reason: her record deals fell through when she was solicited to have sex in order to make them happen. Clearly, Monique misses sharing her lyrical talents because the second Ashley suggests she treat them to something again, Miss Mo only puts up the slightest peep of a protest before launching into a rhyme. The rest of the ladies try and add to its pretty brutal. No one quit your day job! Oh right, no one has a day job. Nevermind! And with that, the Bermuda trip has come to an end.
Back in Potomac, Robyn visits her therapist and shares that her homework of trying to date other men failed miserably because she didn’t even try it made her understand that she wants to make things work with Juan. Without telling him her feelings. Or working on her trust issues. So basically, she wants everything to stay frozen in time, like it has been. Even the therapist knows this is a losing battle and doesn’t waste her time offering much more than asking Robyn is she wants to just keep existing or actually start living. Robyn gives her answer by staring off into space.
Ashley comes to Michael’s office to have a meeting about Oz with him and the rest of the staff. Once in his office, he excuses the other staff members so he can speak with Ashley privately before their meeting. He then offers her a seat as he sits behind his desk, like he actually is her boss. Good lord, with these two. Ashley is so riled up all the time about it not being a true partnership and then she practically hands him her time slip for approval of overtime. Michael says he wants to modify her role from owner and manager to just owner because he wants to get back to a good place in their marriage. Ashley agrees and then they allude to having sex on his desk. I would rather eat an emu burger than have to hear that again.
Charrisse is having her Champagne Room Reveal Party (how is this even a thing???) and has dressed up like she’s going to get married at Coachella, complete with a white bejeweled kaftan from the Kyle Richards bridal collection and a beaded headband.
As the ladies gather to partake in this nonsense, questions about Karen’s recent move grow when Gizelle shares that Karen moved out of Potomac and into her new house immediately upon her return from Bermuda. Of course everyone is surprised and confused, especially given that they just spend days with Karen acting like she didn’t even know where she was going to go. But we have to wait to get to the bottom of this because Cha Cha has her dumb champagne room to reveal.
She cuts a banner across the room with some giant gold scissors, like a ribbon cutting ceremony for a new royal ship that’s been commissioned and the room is finally revealed. I mean, OK, it is really nice but did she really need to spend thousands and thousands of dollars to make up a room she will be getting drunk in alone? Jeez, now that I said it, is there anything more sad than that? But Cha Cha thinks stepping into this new room is like stepping into a new life so ummm whatever, enjoy your new life surrounded by champagne bottles and white vinyl chairs that Monique thinks are perfect for having sex on.
It’s finally time to confront Karen and her curly bangs. She tries to be proactive and tell the ladies that she has 1) moved to Great Falls 2) is not renting a house but rather “test driving it” to see if she likes it 3) if she doesn’t, she will just build another house that she does like in Potomac. So that is her little spin. Yeah, I’m buying that like I’m buying Cha Cha starting a new life through a damn champagne room. You know who else isn’t buying it? The other women and anyone watching.
Ashley decides to kick off the shade and tells Karen she can no longer call herself the Grand Dame of Potomac. You can see Karen’s curly bangs about to BOING right off her head she is so mad! She calls Ashley an idiot and next week, it looks like feathers are going to fly.
Hang on to your curly bangs, everyone!
TELL US – IS KAREN HIDING SOMETHING ABOUT HER HOME SALE/MOVING SITUATION?
Photo Credit: Bravo TV
