Last week’s episode of Below Deck Mediterranean showed us why a crew of young, good looking people who like to hook up with one another makes for great reality TV. We rejoin the Sirocco mid-blow up, with Chief Stew Hannah Ferrier and Deck Hand Bobby Giancola, continue to go toe-to-toe over what essentially boils down to a really bad case of blue balls for the night. That’s right, Viewers, they are drunkenly fighting over whether or not Hannah ruined Bobby’s chances of possibly hooking up with fellow Deck Hand Malia White.
Ahhh, this reminds me of the good ole days when I was young and carefree, going out and getting wasted with my friends on the Croatian coastline and then coming back to the yacht and arguing about who I get to hook up with. Oh wait, sorry, no that wasn’t me, because that isn’t a real problem or a real lifestyle that anyone can relate to so can these guys please spare me of all the dramatics? I know, I know, I sound bitter and I guess I am but I would like to move on from something so silly at this point. But alas, if we moved on, there wouldn’t be much for Bobby to throw a fit about and BOY, is he ever throwing a fit. My man Bobby really needs to get laid because he is just not letting this issue go and he’s still grumbling about it the next morning.
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Hannah is too but instead of icing down her balls and whining, she goes to tell Lauren Cohen, who is a former Bobby Hook Up and can understand how fragile Bobby and his ego truly are. So this is what the whole issue is really about – Lauren once had a fling with Bobby (we know, we know!) and on one wild night out in New York during the off season, Bobby took Lauren out on a date, but then invited two other girls along. As if that wasn’t enough of a wake up call that he might not be boyfriend material, Bobby and his three dates run into Hannah at a club and Hannah makes a comment to Lauren about how she shouldn’t be treated this way. Or something. The “something” is the issue Bobby can’t seem to let go of and he is busy obsessing over exactly what Hannah said and how it ruined his fling with Lauren and what he thinks are his future chances with Malia.
Bobby decides to emerge from his bunk after he exhausted his brain power playing with his sunglasses and demands the truth from Lauren about what happened with Hannah that night. Hannah isn’t ready to forgive Bobby but she is willing to listen to what his problem is when he confronts her on a smoke break. He does start off with a clear apology, saying he was wrong for attacking her drinking. But it quickly escalates to more stupidity and when Hannah denies she said anything detrimental about him, Bobby calls Lauren to the meeting like she is being called to the Principal’s office. Lauren doesn’t exactly help his case and explains to Bobby (the guy who can’t handle second grade math) that this whole thing happened months ago, after a night of drinking and she can’t remember verbatim what Hannah said about him. Bobby so confused and when Bobby confused and no get his way, Bobby mad! Bobby wanna smash things. Bobby say “go eff Chef Ben.” Huhhhhhh? What’s this new development??
Through Bobby’s little caveman tirade, his true feelings are coming out and we learn that Bobby once took Lauren to an event in Fort Lauderdale, where she came as his date and left with Chef Ben. Oops! So he throws that back in her Lauren’s and decides to go call his mom, the only woman who will understand why Bobby so sad. His mom, a lovely woman who says her heart is breaking seeing her son upset, listens and offers words of comfort and love. Because only a mom can fix her son’s broken ego heart. What’s really going on is that once upon a time, Bobby was just a fireman in love with a girl whose mom didn’t think he made enough money to date her daughter. It broke them up and Bobby has been wandering this planet alone, nursing a broken heart/trying to hump anything that moves, ever since. How tragic and Victorian all at once.
We are facing even more sadness on the boat because Christine “Bugsy” Drake gets the awful news that her Gran died back home. Hannah comforts her while she cries and even Captain Sandy Yawn comes to give her support in whatever she needs. They wonder if she is going home but Bugsy is set on staying because she knows how excited her Gran was to see her take this charter. She decides to continue on through her sadness and I commend her for how she is handling such a difficult time. It couldn’t have been easy.
It’s time to meet our new charter guests and this one is a doozy: it’s Mr. Skin, a guy who runs a celebrity nudie website that offers nude pictures of famous people and naked “news” segments. Now call me naïve, but I didn’t know there was a whole website dedicated to celebrities doing things in the nude, so of course, I checked it out. The main page treats you to rolling porn footage, all while offering a very generous lifetime membership discount, as a promotion for being seen on Below Deck. Tempting, but I’m going to have to pass. I like to get my news from people in clothes, it’s just this weird thing I have.
Once on board the Sirocco, The Skins waste no time getting naked and overtaking the boat with their boobs. The coconut oil is being busted out and naked news segments are being filmed, although it’s not totally clear what exactly they are reporting on. Chef Adam Glick fixes their meals, complete with a raw vegan option, and the Skins give us a glimpse into their world of naked glamorous table manners by talking about why anyone would get a breast reduction over ceviche and exclaiming “Baba Booey” instead of “Bon appetit” when dinner is served.
Lauren and Bobby are awkwardly avoiding each other and the tension rises. Finally, Lauren decides she can’t take it anymore and asks Bobby to talk. She apologizes for hurting his feelings, but then quickly starts yelling at him to grow up and let this whole thing go. Which he can’t, because he is still gossiping about it to fellow Deck Hand Max Hagley, and Lauren catches them. She cries to Hannah about how upset she is and while Hannah is over the whole thing, she knows she needs Lauren and tries to find a way to motivate her so she doesn’t leave over something so childish.
The next day, Captain Sandy wants to treat everyone’s eyes to something other than silicone breast implants and decides to surprise the guests by docking next to some rocks. It’s a tricky yacht maneuver but so is naked jet skiing, so bring it on! Under Captain Sandy’s watchful eye and Wesley Wiz Walton’s expertise, the crew manages to tie the ship to the rocks easily but below deck, we have trouble with an overflowing sink. Adam and the interior crew scramble to drain it successfully before causing too much issue, but now the wind has picked up outside and it looks like the Sirocco is getting dangerously close to the rocks.
The Skins have no idea what’s happening behind the scenes as they use Malia to help them with their hand stands off the side of the boat. But if they were looking for a naked news story to report on, their yacht crashing off the Mediterranean would be it! So take off those bikinis and give a naked gal a mic already!
TELL US – WILL BOBBY EVER GROW UP AND GET OVER HIMSELF?
Photo Credit: Bravo
