Well, Real Housewives Of Miami may have been boring, but bringing the Real Housewives Of Atlanta to Miami rarely is!
In a bizarre twist of well, everything Real Housewives Of Atlanta has stood for these long seasons, Kenya Moore and Porsha Williams planned the trip together. As co-conspirators.
The fight on the boat was a reality check for these two, so despite their constant animosity, Kenya and Porsha decided to come together to plan a re-do of Cynthia Bailey‘s redone bachelorette party. Or whatever because Cynthia and Peachter are just great now. So uh… congrats!
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Porsha and Kenya both arrive at the airport wearing white dresses and carrying matching Louis Vuitton luggage from the Mystery African Sugar Daddy collection in order to present a united front. Letting these two lead an activity is like having a devil and a devil on each shoulder – which must explain all the hideous thong-wearing this trip!
In other new revelations Kim Fields is rocking Bride Of Frankenstein hair in her new confessional. I blame the shock of witnessing grown women act worse than toddlers.
Prior to the fake-out friends trips, Phaedra invites Sheree Whitfield and Kandi Burruss to tour the very uncompleted “Moore Manor”. Moore Manor appears to be a giant concrete box, and resembles the outside of a prison. Seems fitting! Sheree is not impressed with the “Six Flags roller coaster of a driveway” or Kenya’s shady comment that after two weeks of construction she has more done than Sheree managed in 4 years.
Moving on… to Miami, Cynthia insisted on inviting Tammy Browning, who, let’s be honest, her main contribution to this show are those braids. Luckily Tammy smuggled her Coronas along. Cynthia describes Tammy as “kooky” and would rather deal with kooky than mean or shady. Would she now?
This is Kim’s first time like, ever, ever, being away from her children and husband. Now I might be praising Jesus and rejoicing in freedom, but Kim is bawling into her bible about how the Lord blessed her with the perfect marriage and it’s not fair that she has to be unyoked for a weekend. Kim should have left the bible at home and brought the Xanax instead. Then joined Co-Dependents Anonymous. Also, lady, maybe have a drink?
The ladies meet at the airport dressed as if they are attending a ladies luncheon (except for Phaedra Parks, who is dressed like Laser Tag). Once in Miami Shamea Morton greets them wearing a leopard-print string bikini and gold heels. Honey – this ain’t the Playboy Mansion!
Kenya is not pleased to see Shamea, who she snidely dubs “The Help,” the details for “Shimmy-Shimmy CoCo Puffs” what she ain’t (i.e. a person befitting of Kenya’s esteemed friendship and exalted Real Housewives status). Kenya just can’t seem to pronounce She-she-sliced cheese or She-She-shaggy and Scooby’s name, but Kenya can certainly pronounce “shade.”
The group decides Kandi, who is “sleeping for two,” gets the master. It’s also partially a parting gift knowing this will likely be Kandi’s last girls trip of the season. I’m sure Kandi is crying into her fried chicken dinner over that. Oh – can she afford a fried chicken dinner since Phaedra owes her all that money and everything?
Then everyone else scrambles around seeking the best room to rest their juicy Georgia peach in. Kim decides to set up camp right on the living room sofa. Tammy offers to loan Kim her mini fridge, which is fully-stocked with ice cold Rolling Rocks.
It takes approximately 6 seconds for Kenya to start making messes in the pristine white house, situated on the pristine waterfront of Miami. Kenya tells Sheree about Tammy, the “best friend” of Bob Whitfield, disliking her and warning Bob not to marry her. Oh, Tammy also called She By SheBroke a gold digger who only married Bob for his NFL contract. Cynthia, ostensibly a friend of Tammy’s, sits idly by while Kenya gossips.
Sheree retorts that Bob had an affair with Tammy, whom he slept with in their house. ESCANDALE! Question: People want Bob? Kenya is so excited by this reveal she spills tea all over herself. Kandi rolls her eyes. Cynthia falls asleep until someone to prods her when it’s time to discuss how Peter is the fibroid to her needs.
The ladies reconvene for dinner at a restaurant that is just as weird as Tammy’s hair, and Kenya’s idea of entertaining her guests. Toasters come out, and giant chicken sculptures bearing chicken nuggets, and a cheese slicer shoved into the mac and cheese. Then Sheree leans over, all casual, as if she’s going to say, ‘Oh could you please pass the Decapitated Telephone Split Pea Soup?” but instead she asks if Tammy remembers all her nasty shit-talking.
Tammy, belching out a Budweiser and chasing that with a giant chug of PBR, shrugs her braids nonchalantly and admits she suuuure did say all that, because Bob is her friend and Tammy didn’t like the way he was being portrayed on RHOA as a deadbeat dad. Sheree deadpans, “Have you seen the canceled checks?” Do not mess with Sheree and her checks. Ka-CHING.
Then Sheree wonders if Tammy had an affair with Bob. Tammy almost spews beer on Kenya’s Chicken-A-La-Shade, which is coincidentally stuffed into an umbrella with rubber chicken feet. Tammy denies it. I was impressed the ladies didn’t go flying at each other across the table prompting the waiter to emerge with marzipan battle axes. Cynthia stutters to life to label this bad blood all in the past.
But Porsha artfully wonders just how Sheree knew all the things Tammy said. I mean, where on EARTH would Sheree get this information? Kenya insists she was just trying to be helpful!
The most bothered person at the table was Kim, who astutely figured out that Kenya intentionally baited Sheree hoping she’d cause issues with Tammy. You can take the mom out of Atlanta, but you can’t take the mom out of Kim as she chastises, “There’s a difference between information and instigation.” Then Kim just shoots Kenya a look that delivers cleanly and clearly, “I see YOU.” Kenya, meanwhile, grabs fast hold of her hair to prevent her head from spinning around Exorcist-style and obfuscates about how she was “opening a dialogue.”
Well! This is an interesting feud I never saw coming. But one I desperately want. It’s a shame because I think Kim will go down spectacularly by nature of lacking the emotional tenacity to withstand Kenya’s lack of scruples, but I think Kenya could be afraid to truly go in on Kim given her celebrity (and A+ connections). Or perhaps that will be Kenya’s motivation… Kim better prepare now for the reunion.
Back to Miami!
The next day, Kenya is bothered by Kim ‘coming for her’ when she didn’t twirl for Kim. Kim, on the other hand, is appalled by Kenya’s way of operating. Phaedra is not surprised because Kenya is hardly the Good Witch and instead a “bitch” in Thomas The Tank Engine “beep beep” language. I’m sure Kim speaks it fluently, being that she’s a mom and all. A mom who lives for her children and cannot bear to be separated from them. Kim probably goes to sleep to the Chuggington theme song. DO NOT GOOGLE THAT IT WILL BE STUCK IN YOUR HEAD UNTIL KENYA GETS MARRIED (re: ETERNITY!).
Next it’s time for a boat trip, but before boarding the ladies put on a hoochie fashion show ranging from least to most hoochie. Least: Kim, most: Porsha, unsurprisingly. Maybe Porsha and Phaedra are majorly on a budget and can only afford strings for clothing? Maybe they lost a Project Runway bet about repurposing a basketball hoop and a crochet potholder into a beach outfit? But thong bikinis covered by string-skirts is a look only a THOT could love. Kenya wonders where this “hooker outlet mall” is. It’s right next to the African Sugar Daddy Super-Store, in the abandoned Chateau Sheree Building.
Kandi wants “church lady” Phaedra to put it away. Then makes the executive decision to skip the boat outing citing heat. Kim should have stayed with her, but Kim is trying get out more. Unsuccessfully.
On the boat there is mysteriously a choreographed dance routine? Then they are off the boat in different clothes and at a bar picking up men, doing shots, and booty shaking. Well, except for Kim – she’s drinking cranberry juice and crying. A) Maybe Kim has a UTI B) I would cry too after seeing Phaedra in that thong.
Porsha wants to embrace multiculturalism by hooking up with a Latino man she meets. He and a friend join the group for dinner.
As the ladies sit down for dinner, Kim rushes away, shuffling down the dock while wiping tears. Phaedra, now wearing actual clothing, follows her. Kim sniffles about being away from her husband. She has been blessed with the world’s most perfect marriage and would rather be sharing this trip with him than messy bitches shaking their over-the-hill booties.
Phaedra reminds Kim that she is supposed to be finding herself, but Kim doesn’t understand having fun or girlfriends. Phaedra likens it to her situation in which she had a man she loved, but he threw it all away. It resulted in a nice moment and I was impressed to see Phaedra drop her guard and her annoying Mizzzzz Southrnnn Belle accent to connect with Kim. Cynthia is wistful because Kim’s husband wants to be near her – I mean Peachter finds it too demanding to have to share a state, let alone a bedroom.
While Phaedra and Kim were crying on the docks, the Coast Guard standing by, Kenya grills Porsha’s potential hookup. When Phaedra and Kim return to the table, everyone is annoyed over Kim’s constant emotional breakdowns. Their annoyance is demonstrated when Kim and Phaedra realize there are no seats for them. Oops!
Just as everyone realizes Tammy is missing she reappears with two young men. One strapping young fellow is an NBA player named Glen (aged 22) and Kenya is instantly smitten. Tammy introduces Glen as her nephew. Kenya pronounces him “her type.” Hmmm… given that he’s a real-live boy, and actually appearing on this show, I doubt that!
Kenya, Porsha, and Shamea invite all the guys back to their house, so Cynthia decides it’s time to switch to water lest she wants to be the subject of her own cheating video. On the boat back to the house, Kenya makes her first faux pas in her foray to snare Glen, when she snaps in his face to get his attention. He rudely bites her head off over the snapping, and when she tries to coyly explain, he brusquely tells her to “find another way.”
Something about this Glen is … off. He’s perfect for Kenya!
TELL US – IS KIM OVER-REACTING TO BEING AWAY FROM HER HUSBAND FOR 3 DAYS? IS GLEN AN A-HOLE?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
