Aaaahhh… Couples Therapy. I was promised a trainwreck and a trainwreck we shall have. Oh goody!
Kelsey Nykole saunters out onto the patio where a slurry Taylor Armstrong and a messy, sloppy Liz and Jon Gosselin are talking. Kelsey drops the bomb that she's never masturbated.
Liz and Taylor are shocked. "That's part of my repertoire," announces Taylor. Lovely. "I'm an expert," says Liz who decimated Jon in an earlier episode for "beating off". Hypocrite much?
The next day Liz and Jon have a little gift for Kelsey – it's her very first vibrator! Surprisingly it did not come from Farrah Abraham's line of sex toys. She wasn't passing out goody bags?! Oh but wait – she was forced to make those vaj-molds and videotape herself doing it! Cause we all want a keek of Farrah's crotchal region covered in plaster! I don't know what's a grosser vibrator association: Jon or Farrah.
Moving on, Taylor is struggling with parenting. "I don't parent," she slurs at the camera before course correcting to explain she doesn't set boundaries. #FreudianSlip Kennedy comes to the house the next day for some quality time with this woman who people say is her mom. Taylor greets Kennedy with villainous laugh that lasts about 5 minutes. In return, Kennedy shoots Taylor dirty looks that could melt a lip-plant.
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Taylor and John Bluher take Kennedy out for breakfast where she ignores them completely, rolls her eyes, and sulks while Taylor whines at her. Basically she acts like Farrah. Just wanting to eat her mimosa in peace, Taylor waves a white napkin frantically at the nanny "I surrender! Help! SOS!" John stares off into the distance – I swear he just ignores things he doesn't want to see by pretending they don't exist.
In therapy Taylor cries to Dr. Jenn Berman that she's like sooooo anxious about Kennedy all the time and that's making Kennedy anxious. Taylor says Kennedy can be an absolute angel on Sunday morning when she's cracking out in front of the TV but then can turn into a tyrant. So basically when Kennedy is getting her way, she's good but when she doesn't she flips out. Who does that sound like… Ahem – TAYLOR!
Dr. Jenn's ingenious suggestion: Taylor should spend at least 20 minutes a day playing with her daughter. "MMmmmmmmmmmmm… kids are so much work! I knew I should've gotten a cat instead," Taylor whines. "You are the parent," Dr. Jenn slowly explains. John sniffles and cries about believing in Taylor.
Taylor sobs that she is so lucky she's found John who is like the best dad in all the world, which translates into, 'Thank God he can do all the work while Mommy has some wine.' Taylor promises she's gonna try real, real hard at this mommy thing – right after she goes shopping, gets her nails done, meets the girls for a drink, and makes more guest appearances on reality shows in order to beg for her job back.
Farrah has been challenged to go on a date. And lemme tell you – it is a challenge to get Farrah on a date. Anyone that has seen Teen Mom (Backdoor or Original Flavor) knows this! Case in point: Farrah gets matched to Cartwright from Southpark, who is wearing his dad's clothes and has slicked down hair. And he's also a teen dad whose primary interest is "f–king bitches" – and he's seen that Farrah is a girl who likes to do just that! On film. Something tells me Farrah's date is working an angle – hopefully she'll get behind it.
Dr. Jenn and Farrah watch the footage of the date and analyze it. Farrah did nothing wrong except be too nice and not leave early enough when she felt disrespected. Farrah smiles – finally Dr. Jenn gets it! Farrah does nothing wrong, nope not ever, never, never, never and everyone else is judging her and being mean. Farrah 101, Dr. Jenn!
Dr. Jenn says Farrah needs to let guys see "the real Farrah" if she wants success in relationship. Oops – I guess I was wrong – Dr. Jenn did NOT pass Farrah 101 – she failed. If Farrah lets guys see the real her they would need more than Dr. Jenn's services. They'd need like Dr. Phil level help! Personally, I don't think there is a 'Real Farrah'. There are so many Farrah's, however, that it's hard to pick the worst one!
Kelsey and Ghostface have blessedly decided to breakup. Rather Kelsey has decided to dump him for being a two-timing, disgusting misogynist a-hole but Ghost is resentful that she saw his true colors (which are about as ugly as that neon-colored plaid shirt he keeps wearing). He tells her he "forgives her" for bringing him to Couples Therapy. Ghost also thinks Kelsey should have just accepted the status quo. "Shoulda, Woulda, F–kin, Coulda!" Kelsy snaps. Then she throws something at him and walks out.
In a session with Dr. Jenn, Kelsey wore her bra but burned her shirt as a symbol of women's empowerment and stands her ground about breaking up with Ghost. She wants an emotionally available man who appreciates her. Ghost hopes they can remain friends. Kelsey gently tells him that's not gonna happen – except on Facebook.
I started out thinking Kelsey was a gold-digger but now I realize she's a genuine person who seems to have truly learned and grown from this experience!
Jon has decided Liz is the next woman to own his balls and verbally abuse him for life, so he heads to a jewelry store to buy a promise ring. Considering he can't afford child support and is waiting tables for a living, I think he should have gone to Claire's Boutique!
Over dinner, just before Liz stuffs a massive breadstick in her face and shows us more of her genteel manners, Jon plops the promise ring down on the table. "Thanks buddy!" Liz gushes, snatching it up and shoving it on her grubby finger. Did Dr. Jenn impose mandatory shower days with these two ala summer camp? Ugh.
They hug and kiss – I can't avert my eyes from Liz's slept-on hair. Personally I think Kelsey needs to return the vibrator favor by hooking Liz up with some cockatoo doo!
Sada Bettencourt and Whitney Mixter have also grown from the experience. They make-out in the Hollywood Hills and Sada wants them to have a bucket list. Whitney already has one. One goal was to fall in love. Another one: "Eat French bread in France." Both accomplished! Whitney is awesome – can we be friends?
The final night Dr. Jenn takes everyone on a dinner cruise to celebrate their accomplishments. Jon learned to accept beating off is OK and also to embrace his receding hairline. Liz learned that Jon still is under her thumb – and that he can make a lot more money from reality TV than waiting tables.
Farrah learned that she should love herself – and think of all the potential masturbation pornos that could translate into. AVN awards here she comes!
Whitney and Sada learned to communicate and also to really prioritize their marriage. Kelsey thanks Ghost for allowing her to find her self-worth. Ghost is sweet and is thankful he and Kelsey developed such a beautiful friendship.
Finally John stands up to hand Taylor something special. Her heart stopped as she thought it was a pre-nup. When she realized it was adoption papers she breathed a sigh of relief. Congratulations John – you're now a father of two sulky, petulant, spoiled little girls! Only one of them will grow out of it.
[Photo Credits: VH1]
TELL US – WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THIS SEASON OF COUPLES THERAPY? WILL FARRAH, TAYLOR, OR JON EVER CHANGE?
