Something curious has happened to Tom 1 over the course of Vanderpump Rules. He's grown from a boy to a man. He has freed himself from the shackles of Kristen Doute's psychotic tyranny and Stassi Schroeder's emotional manipulations and terrible party planning. He has flourished from a sad, aimless emotional wrecking ball to a proud manish metrosexual.
Last night Tom 1 let his anger roar as he took down Stassi, put Kristen in her place, and practically ground Jax Taylor's aging meathead under his boot heel. And never did a hair bend out of shape! Is Ariana Madix responsible for this surge in testosterone – as if releasing himself from Kristen has allowed Tom 1's poor shriveled manliness to blossom Phoenix-style.
Whatever – I was impressed. Take no prisoners Tom. Actually, no, do take Jax prisoner and lock him away from the rest of us because boy deserves to do hard time not these puny 'you can keep your designer sweater' jail stints!
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So Scheana Marie is still butt-hurt that Stassi doesn't love her. Look Scheana – I know you envisioned a life playing My Little Ponies together, prank calling boys on your princess phone, and goo-ing over Tiger Beat photos of Jonathan Taylor Thomas but listen: Stassi was playing you like a Barbie Dream House and once she got what she wanted from you, she threw you away like the Barbie you do hair experiments on. You know, the one who ends up with Kate Gosselin hair.
I get it – Scheana is hurt. After some yelling and crying about her teeth, she starts sulking about what a good person she is. Not according to Brandi Glanville, as she is reminded, to which Lisa Vanderpump patiently explains that to Brandi, Scheana will always be "the other woman." Scheana sulks petulantly. "That was like 7 and a half years ago," she huffs.
Now it's time for Tom 1 to shine. And shine like a pearl just freed from an oyster, he does. He throws his spiky hair back with aplomb and launches on Stassi about her need to control everyone and constantly be the center of attention. Basically he calls her a manipulative wench who imposes her treachery on the masses. He is disgusted that she planned a "surprise party" with the intent to out Kristen's sextyimes with Jax and gleefully announced it in front of everyone. "Off with your terribly coiffed white-blonde head," he bellows as Stassi storms off stage in her Kaftan by Kyle velvet mumu.
Lisa shushes Tom 1, imploring him to calm down and be gentle. But Tom 1 is a man unleashed and cannot be quelled. Ariana glows with proximity prowess and when Kristen unfurls herself on Ariana, she too is reprimanded and dissolves into tears.
Because next Tom 1 takes on Kristen. If you recall the reunion picked up where last week's left off: with Kristen storming off stage in a flood of tears. Kristen returns in the middle of Scheana's tale of pay attention to me woe and then demanded Tom and Ariana stop touching each other and, like, just, like, spontaneously combust right there on the spot.
Tom and Ariana call her crazy and Kristen blames all her craziness on her dysfunctional relationship with Tom. "I'm good now," she snips, through tears. No, Kristen – your crazy is not because of your relationship. Your crazy is because you're crazy! Tom said during their relationship he begged Kristen to get help, but she quibbles that she was Tom's mother and maid and chef and did everything. Everything except… Tom, that is.
Stassi and Kristen recount their decimated friendship. Stassi is not contrite about slapping Kristen, who kowtows desperately that she deserved it. Stassi is furious that she never got a true apology from Kristen who claims she wrote a 4-page letter that she never sent. She offers to send it now, but Stassi is dismissive. "I shouldn't have to ask," she snaps. They will never be friends again, but Stassi "claims" she has forgiven Kristen and moved on. Just like Jax has gotten over Stassi and moved on. Uh-huh.
Kristen really has nothing to say for herself about what led her to sleep with Jax, save for the fact that Tom was apparently ruining her life, but she was afraid to break up with him. Everyone wonders how Lisa has not fired Kristen. An empathetic Lisa explains that she did not want to kick Kristen while she was down knowing all the emotional turmoil she has been in this year.
And finally we get to Jax. Oh man is this guy a doozy! Apparently Jax has spent many an off day in jail for various offenses related to public indecency and intoxication. Katie Maloney, who is wearing some sort of circus outfit it appears – what were those pants – pipes up that she thinks Jax did something big that he is hiding. No duh!
I just wonder how Jax got hired by Bravo without anyone running a background check? Maybe he can ditch his plans to create a sweater line and focus on stylish prison garb for menz?
Apparently all Jax's time investigating the slammer has robbed him of human emotion. Was he part of a science experiment that rendered him a robot? Perhaps, because he has literally ZERO emotion over jaxing over his BFF Tomly.
After Lisa, Andy, and the entire stage harangue him about his inability to feel empathy (is he The Terminator? Switched at birth with A Schwartz?), Jax admits that he does like kinda feel bad but he didn't want to let himself feel bad because he didn't know what to say. Tom reveals he hit Jax just hoping he would feel something. And Jax does that nervous shruggy-tic he does and is like, "sorry man." So relationships decimated all around.
And speaking of feeling something – Tom let the emotion out with an on-stage booty pop and twerk in the homage to Scheana.
[Photo Credits: BravoTV & Evans Vestal Ward/Bravo]
TELL US – WILL TOM EVER RECOVER FROM THE BETRAYAL? SHOULD TOM FORGIVE JAX?
