Last night's Vanderpump Rules reunion only "surved" to prove that Kristen Doute is totally, certifiable, crazypants! Like, absolutely so! I believe Ariana Madix described it as "borderline personality disorder," and while Ariana is by no means a doctor (oh God no!) working at SUR she's certainly come into contact with her fair share of insanity.
So, Tom 1 is still not over the total sham that was his five-year flirtation with the devil because one never gets over something like that – luckily Ariana is helping him cope, Kristen needs help, Stassi Schroeder quit SUR without notice and likely quit the show, Jax Taylor admits to hooking up with married women and pretends he's over Stassi. Katie Maloney was predictable basically not there except to be Stassi's Anonymous Sycophant No 1, Peter Madrigal was unfortunately not there (WAAAH!), and Scheana Marie has turned into a Kardashian. Lisa Vanderpump was annoyed with all of them.
K – see you next season!
Kidding, Kidding… I've got to recap this joint! Andy Cohen was also present and he was so giddy he needed an adult diaper because he was peeing himself with glee. It was… disturbing.
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Tom and Kristen are officially dunzo (although she clearly doesn't want to be. HUH?!) and the levels of bizarre that was their dysfunctionship is, like, astounding. While she was throwing herself, martyr style, into the ovens of SUR over Tom's drunken kiss with Ariana in Vegas – YEARS AGO – she was apparently carrying on multiple long-term flings including a three-month cheat with a fellow SUR co-worker. And also she slept with Jax. Twice.
In the midst of her affairs, Kristen was so distant with Tom she wouldn't let him touch her and even slept on the couch on Valentine's Day. Tom had never felt so alone in his life. At that point the thing to do is like, actually BE ALONE by leaving the relationship. I won't charge Tom 1 for the advice.
Kristen and Tom broke up because he could no longer handle the lying that had become his life. Now Kristen has taken up with a 21-year-old SUR busboy named James who seriously looks pre-pubescent (is this legal?!) and is friends with Lisa's son Max. Lisa is appalled.
James was also a bandmate of Tom's – they were in the process of producing music together and becoming roommates when Tom came home to the apartment he was moving out of with Kristen to discover Kristen and infantile fling "banging" in his bed, using his condoms. Apparently this neophyte's clothing was destroyed in the process (HUH?) because Tom was forced to loan him pants? I was having trouble concentrating on all the details. Andy bounced in his chair clapping his hands until Lisa reprimanded him. Even Andy fears the sting of our fair Beverly Hills queen.
Kristen is impressed with her rebound, "I'm having the time of my life!" she crows. Although she spends the remainder of the reunion crying. So yeah… maybe that's Kristen on joy?
It's apparently entirely appropriate that Kristen is now with Tom's friend. Not appropriate is Tom and Ariana being an item. Kristen freaks out. It's not allowed because 1) she still loves Tom 1. 2) This is the person he cheated on her with. 3) Kristen is krazy. 4) Kristen creates her own laws. Long, long arguments about whether or not Kristen is crazy engulfed the reunion. I don't have time for this ish. Because I don't need to argue. The proof is in the pudding: the pudding flavor is winesanity, ergo Kristen is insane. I got degree'd up from Vanderpump University. Mary and Ariana: Class of '14!
Lisa is affronted that Tom 1 and Ariana lied to her about kissing when she asked them. Lisa feels she was owed the truth. Why, I don't know? Maybe because she would have fired Kristen? Or perhaps hired better security? Or at least given Ariana a taser behind the bar. Honestly, it seemed silly.
Lisa is rightfully annoyed that Stassi ditched her to move to NYC and be in love. Stassi turned in her uniform and then started getting her shifts covered. Then was basically no call, no show – for weeks. She needed to escape the toxicity. Lisa is hurt. Stassi says there is nothing left for her at SUR and she has no friends there. She laser eyes Kristen.
Jax is still doing Jax. Which means doing women and casually shrugging that yeah, he "probably" is a sex addict. Probably? Or definitely? Dr. Ariana…? Jax also admits to hooking up with "maybe two" married women – including one of the women he brought to Stassi's Cabo birthday party. It was just a kiss! Dr. Ariana is not OK with THIS cheating – even though she was OK with "just a kiss" when Tom was entangled with Krazy K-Bangs! Maybe Ariana was giving him mouth-to-mouth?
Speaking of which, Tom claims they definitely did not do more than kiss that fateful night in a Vegas pool. Scheana Marie is the only person who believes them. I frankly don't care. Yeah, cheating is wrong and you should just break up with the person. Unfortunately I don't even know what to think of Tom 1 and Kristen's relationship because it was pretty much an open relationship it's just that Kristen was the only one who felt she had the right to be open.
Kristen thinks Ariana is dating Tom to get on the show. Which, probably, but they do seem happy.
Kristen confronts Katie about why she stopped being friends with her. It was because Kristen is too nuts and she's also a pathological liar. Makes sense… to everyone but Kristen! Kristen and Tom both don't agree that Jax should have been given a pass while she was villified, but there is something about Jax that makes him forgivable. He's like an adult-sized Dennis The Menace.
Jax getting Stassi's name tattooed on his arm is covered and Stassi says it makes her feel sad. Jax claims he is over Stassi. No one believes him. Why do I always feel slightly sorry for Jax, he's like the lost puppy and I can't hate him. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! Lisa has enough disgust for the both of us, luckily!
Scheana Marie has kicked Stassi out of her bridal party and admits she definitely cared more about her friendship with Stassi than Stassi cared about their friendship. At least she can admit it. Oddly Scheana is far and away the most sane and mature person at the reunion – including Andy.
Scheana's pop star aspirations are discussed and she admits she can't sing, doesn't really want to be a singer, but she wants to be a singer becuase she's a famewhore. Um… please no one buy her travesty of a single. Really – just don't, but you didn't hear that from me.
And that's pretty much it! Next week Tom 1 and Stassi get into it and Stassi storms off stage in a velvet mumu. Is Kaftans Richards dressing her now?
[Photo Credits: Evans Vestal Ward/Bravo & BravoTV.com]
TELL US – WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE REUNION AND ALL OF KRISTEN'S SCANDALOUS BEHAVIOR?
