Last night was the season finale of Real Housewives of Atlanta. I would say it was a little sweet and a little classy, but it wasn't. It was mostly a lotta ratchet.
See Kenya Moore threw the big end of the season party. And at Kenya's party she wants things her way – or the highway. Well, parking lot at least. Kenya decided her Atlanta "coming out" event would be an Iconic Black Women In Film gala. She assigned all the ladies of RHOA a character because there was to be some sort of performance associated with the role. The only performing I saw was a low-budget runway show in which they all waltzed up on stage did a couple hip pops and sat back down on a folding chair in the audience. Apparently that's how Krayonce defines a play though cause she was two shades of bent out of bootyshape about Porsha Stewart coming in the wrong costume.
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Coming To Atlanta Realness
Things begin with Krayonce meeting with her party planning team. I tuned all of this out because all party planning scenes pale in comparison to She By SheBroke's 'Who gon' check me boo?' greatness. Behold:
Kenya's official debut was called the "Forever Relevant" Gala on the invites and I'm guessing that's exactly what Kenya considers herself to be: forever relevant. She was the first black Miss America USA, lest we forget! All the ladies are invited, even Porsha who cut Kenya to the real booty when she DID NOT invite her to Kordell's birthday party; an act which caused Kenya great, deep shame as she was forced to retired to her room, curtains drawn, to sob in a gallon of Ben & Jerry's for over a week before recovering with the help of wine and workout videos. Anyway, she set aside her hurt to extend an invitation to Porsha in which she was instructed to appear as BAPS, one of Halle Berry's less attractive roles.
Porsha initially seemed like she was going along with it and trying to have fun with it. She went to her salon for a little pre-costume fashion show to try and get her look in order. Porsha certainly is a girl who likes to pageant around – one might think she needs to hit up the Mrs. pageant circuit.
Porsha describes her personality as "I can be classy, I can be sweet, but I like to get a little ratchet." I'm not sure why this wasn't her HW opening line cause it's perfect.
A little ratchet…
While she's flaunting her BAPS costumes, everyone at the salon is wondering aloud if Kenya is possibly trying to set Porsha up. Oh… ya think? One woman astutely compares it to the scene in Legally Blonde where Elle Woods is invited to a party and told it's a Playboy Bunny Costume event. She shows up in full bunny regalia only to have everyone else be in cocktail attire and laugh at her. This got Porsha to thinking… When life hands you BAPS, make Dorothy Dandridge out of a ratchet situation!
Also preparing for the party is Phaedra Parks, who is learning a little about self-defense. Just in case, you understand. Phaedra is producing her own line of stun guns, aptly named Phaedra Sparks. Kandi Burruss goes with her to take a training course in using them effectively. The coaches instruct Phaedra to imagine she is in great danger and go for a soft spot. Phaedra's eyes sparkle like a certain pageant queen's tiara and she imagines a certain pageant queen's fake derriere as she goes in for the kill. 'Oh, I hope I didn't cause a silicone leak…,' she demurs. Cause everybody knows real booties don't deflate!
Before the party Kenya does a lot of deep calming breaths to ease her nerves then she sprays about a gallon of hairspray since the smell calms her – a throwback to the pageant days – and prepares for the guests to arrive. I have to give her credit, I think this is one one of the more fabulous party ideas we've seen on Housewives.
Cynthia Bailey is attending as Diana Ross from Mahogany. I thought the costume was a little meh. She looked fabulous, of course, but I wanted some serious Diana glam and it was a little ordinary for my taste. Cynthia can make anything look sensational though.
Kandi must have gotten her costume at Dollar General because the 'Tina Turner' wig she was sporting was straight up clown attire. It was horrible. Todd didn't even bother with a costume. Kenya was about to throw him out but then she realized she had to save all her psychotic energy for Porsha.
Speaking of Kenya, I was all prepared for her to come as Beyonce, Vanessa Williams, or herself. She pleasantly surprised me when she made her grand entrance as Foxy Brown. And 2 snaps and a werq – she looked amazing! Unfortunately that was her high point for the evening and it was all downhill from there.
As Porsha made her grand entrance, she was certainly NOT in the pre-assigned costume. Oh no… she was dressed as Dorothy Dandridge. She looked stunning, which is exactly what Krayonce was afraid of. As soon as she spotted Porsha in a gold sequined pageant gown and a chic wig, she went off the rails. All of the sudden she had the maturity of Blue Ivy and she got her security in the mix to throw Porsha out. Seriously!
This is when we learn there is apparently some form of entertainment which necessitated a program and a performance all pre-organized by Krayonce. Therefore Porsha was ruining everything and had to go. And if you ever wondered who calls Sccccurrrrrty! on Dorothy Dandridge and escorts her to the parking lot, the answer is Foxy Brown.
The other ladies are furious and decide this is entirely too ridiculous. Cynthia and Kandi follow Kenya and Porsha outside where Kenya announces this is revenge for Porsha throwing her out of her charity event at the beginning of the season. If you recall Kenya was forced to wait for her car in the parking lot where the smell of manure was offending her delicate sensibilities and Little Miss Ratchet was owed some uppencommence ever since. Kenya was not about to let BAPs forget her sins, even if it meant Dorothy had to pay in her stead.
The other ladies decide to stage a revolt – if Kenya is going to go all out of control they're also going to leave with Porsha. I was surprised and also impressed. A HW revolt. More please! Porsha and Kenya argue back and forth for a bit, Porsha wants an apology. Kenya wants her to leave and flounces back inside. Porsha believes Kenya inviting her as BAPS was "malicious content" and she planned the whole thing to embarrass her which is why she was not taking the bait.
NeNe Leakes and Phaedra haven't even arrived yet, so Cynthia gets on the phone to let NeNe know what's happening. And even NeNe who wouldn't let people come inside for dinner is like oh no – that is beyond this lady is a straight up nut. Somewhere, Walter Jackson was bouncing in his seat yelling 'I told you so!' at the TV.
Kenya says Porsha can come back because if Kandi leaves to get food and Cynthia leaves cause she's bored, the camera crews will likely follow. Porsha agrees to come back if Kenya apologizes.
Kordell, who was meek as church mouse while security was escorting his wife outside, all of the sudden gets into some shrieking match with Kenya's production partner Brandon while Kenya is inside presiding over the entertainment portion of the evening. Kontroll mad. When Kontroll mad, he start kontrolling. Porsha is beaming. She seems to find this exciting.
While all this bitch fighting is happening, NeNe arrives. NeNe stole the show. Her Grace Jones was amazing! She looked great. She is soon joined by Eartha Kitt, aka Phaedra who is also toting along her phaser and a serious donkeybooty. She also looked fantastic.
NeNe decides it is her duty to instill the order. She pulls her whip tight and lets Foxy know what's what. I've been waiting alllll season for a NeNe vs. Krayonce showdown and it was a big ol' yawn. NeNe tells Kenya about how she's expected to behave and why. Kenya bats her eyelashes, kisses NeNe's feet, and totally agrees. Kenya definitely knows which side of her bread is buttered – and she knows enough not to make enemies with NeNe. Boring!
Krayonce sidles up to Porsha and offers the least sincere apology ever, but Porsha accepts and the party resumes. The big event (which many, many serious and detailed emails were exchanged over) happens and it's essentially a costume display. NeNe is led down the aisle in a man-drawn chariot and she is cracking her whip. Totally appropriate since she essentially runs this show. And we're out.
The HW updates are announced:
Porsha's said nothing except, "Kordell filed for divorce." Nothing else. Not one other word which I thought was both rude and cold. Especially considering I believe she'll be asked back.
Kenya is apparently dating an "African Oil Tycoon." Is she now? I think I might be also, I mean at least according to all the spam mails I get asking for my checking account information for being a beautiful maiden worthy of a Nigerian prince whose family I can save for just $3,000. She maintains her workout DVD is outselling Phaedra's (Bravo phrased it like that, not me!).
NeNe has arrived – in chariot, costume, and in real life.
Cynthia is still doing pageants. Kandi and Todd are engaged.
And Phaedra is working on a pregnancy workout video – she doesn't expect competition unless Kenya buys a fake bump like Beyonce. I actually think it's a good idea.
And next week is the reunion where it looks like NeNe and Kenya dump on Phaedra over her husband, her attitude and everything else. I'm always confused by this so-called NeNe vs. Phaedra nonsense because they never seem to have issues on camera and both of them seem so impassive towards each other, but apparently there's some drama.
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – KENYA KICKING PORSHA OUT OF THE PARTY: RIDICULOUS OR TOTALLY CALLED FOR? THOUGHTS ON THE FINALE?
